I don’t like exercising but I think it’s time to change – whenever I do anything remotely vigorous these days my entire body aches for days. I’m not really into any particular sport or the gym, is there anything left for me?
– Stiff All Over
The older we get the harder we fall. Out of shape. It’s one of those little gifts of aging, like visible nose hairs and giant ear lobes. And the gym is so unforgiving – unless you enjoy floor-to-ceiling mirrors, harsh lighting, and the smell of salt-water fish. How about Yoga?
Yoga is the union between the Jivatman – the spiritual true self – and the Paramatman – the self beyond the permanent self. In other words, it’s very self-involved.
Yoga promotes physical, mental, and spiritual health through its five basic principles: Proper exercise, breathing, relaxation, diet, and positive thinking. And Marika belted Yoga pants make six.
Let’s begin with the physical exercises, or Asanas – which is Sanskrit for, “Stay in one position until you want to hurl yourself from the top of the Temple in Kushinager.”
Asanas focus on the health and flexibility of the spine because the spine is home to the Central Nervous System. A healthy Nervous System translates Neuron-delivered electrical impulses into useful information about surrounding external conditions, while an unhealthy Nervous System trskksksklsllasllsldl adkiwejkmr skkfdoetujdkgfl.
There are twelve Asanas meant to promote Spinal Happiness, but let’s focus on the first of the basic postures, the Headstand. Yes, basic.
Those who practice Yoga believe that when we sit all day the blood empties from our head and settles in our ass. Which no doubt confounds the Neurons who would otherwise be whispering vile things about Jenny in Accounting to our brains. But when we invert our position the heart works with gravity, delivering oxygen-rich blood to the backs of our protruding eyeballs.
Fortunately for 65 billion of us, there’s some recognition of the fact that not everyone will be able to accomplish a basic headstand right away. The Child’s Pose consists of sitting on your heels and bringing your forehead forward to rest on the ground in mental preparation for the Headstand. Another way to mentally prepare for the headstand is to pop a Halcion.
Now you’re ready to stand on your head. This is as simple as falling off your sofa – head first. Sitting on your heels, grab both elbows with the opposite hands and lean forward until your forearms are on the ground beneath your shoulders and then let go of your elbows and instead clasp your hands together while lowering your head until the top of your skull touches the ground with the back of your skull cradled in your hands while straightening your knees and pushing your hips above your head with straight legs and outstretched toes.
How’d we do?
Next explain to the paramedics that you only have eleven remaining Asanas to master, and inquire about their discount rate.