Dear Bossy

I have bags under my eyes. There are loads of products available that supposedly cure this problem, but I can’t understand how they’re supposed to work. Any insights?

– Eye Claudius
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Dear Claudius,

As we age the delicate skin surrounding the eye loses its elasticity and muscle tone. And as a special bonus, after the age of forty the liver reduces the ability to detoxify itself causing impurities and excess fluids to pool in this area while we sleep.

There are several easy at-home remedies thought to diminish eye puffiness:

* Sleep in an elevated position.

* Apply a cool substance to your eyes for ten minutes – such as chilled cucumber slices, thinly sliced potato, a refrigerated ~~gas mask~~ gel mask, or a damp cloth.

* Gently tap the swollen area under the eye with your fingertips to encourage fluids to flow elsewhere – especially effective when tapped to the beat of When The Saints Go Marching In.

* Never tap the swollen area under the eye.

* Soak two cotton balls in a cup of rosehip tea and place over eyes.

* Soak cotton balls in cold milk and place over eyes.

* Combine the rosehip tea and the cold milk and enjoy with a plate of scones while watching All My Children.

A more controversial cure is Preparation H. This hemorrhoid cream remedy is thought to reduce swelling and tighten up the under-eye area. Additional benefits include the prevention of nasty ass sores from appearing on your face. However in an understated negative testimonial a woman warned, “It can burst the capillaries of your eyes – my sister-in-law’s eyes turned into big balls of blood.”

There are many skin care products available to alleviate baggy eyes such as Paula Dorf’s SimpleSkin Eye Cream.

These products work by blending a few simple ingredients – such as Purified Water, Isopropyl Palmitate, Squalane, Glycerin, Glyceryl Stearate, PEG-100 Stearate, Oryza Sativa Bran Oil, Camellia Senensis Leaf Extract, Phenyl Trimethicone, Cyclomethicone, Glycosaminoglycans, DEA Cetyl Phosphate, Butylene Glycol, Ahnfeltia Concinna Extract, Liposome C&E, Salix Alba (Willow) Bark Extract, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Geranium Maculatum Oil, Canola Oil, Hydrogenated Castor Oil, Silica, Corn Starch, Magnesium Aluminum Silicate, Cetyl Alcohol, PEG-40 Stearate, Sorbitan Stearate, Ceratonia Siliqua, Sodium Hyaluronate, Cholesterol, PEG-20 Methyl Glucose Sesquistearate, Hydroxyethylcellulose, Xanthan Gum, DMDM Hydantoin, Iodopropynyl Butyl Carbamate, Bisdiglyceryl Polyacyladipate-2, BHT, Diazolidinyl Urea, Tetrasodium EDTA, Methylparaben, Propylparaben, and Glyceryl Polymethacrylate.

Some products are assembled with a short, vague list of ingredients – such as EyeBryten from the ~~obscure~~ world famous Woodbridge Labs – which boasts a cure for puffy eyes and dark circles utilizing “A breakthrough formula combining cutting edge peptides and extracts with Hyloxyl™ and Eyeliss™.”

As testimony their website includes this Before & After photo:

Before the police investigation & After fifty-three days residency in the halfway house!

Or there’s Hydroderm Triple Effects Eye Serum which reduces puffiness with Witch Hazel and Chamomile – guaranteed to transform you from a withered white lady

Into a cute young black girl in just minutes a day!

Dr. Brandt Lineless Eye Cream promises a product that not only works against puff but also is an anti-dark circle, anti-aging, anti-inflammatory, anti-bruising, anti-oxidant, hydrating eye cream. But of course what does he know because this is Dr. Brandt:

The touchy feely folks over at Sephora offer products made from more natural ingredients – such as the Bliss Baggage Handler which combines cucumber and cornflower extracts, fine line-whittling wheat proteins, and a 2634 cubic inch capacity with durable wheels.

Also available at Sephora is the Boscia Enlivening Amino-AG Eye Treatment, which is very effective when applied with a gentle patting motion around the orbital bone. Of course the instructions also suggest it is critical to first attend medical school so you know precisely where the orbital bone begins and ends.

Cascading further down the food-chain, CVS offers several products described in complex technical terms meant to distract you from the fact that it’s sold at stupid CVS – such as Spa Sciences Puffy Eye Reduction Gel, which doesn’t just reduce puffiness but “decongests the eye area” with a bio-active ingredient which increases cellular oxygen consumption up to 71%! What does that mean? Who the fuck knows – it costs only $14.99!