This is Debra Lafave, a former middle school teacher convicted three years ago of having sex with a student, even though Bossy isn’t entirely sure she’s not Laurie Partridge:
Debra Lafave was a reading teacher. She got to know her 14-year-old student on a class trip, where she confided in the boy and told him that her marriage was failing and that she was attracted to the student and felt safe with him. They had sex in the classroom. And one time at her apartment. And one time in the back seat of a car. Debra Lafave is back in the news because she violated the terms of her probation—but that’s not what Bossy wants to talk about. What Bossy wants to talk about is this:
His name is Eljo Kuslasik, give or take a Word Jumble.
He was Bossy’s junior high school math teacher, and in the words of Bossy’s friend Diana, Eljo Kuslasik was A Fox. It wasn’t just his piercing blue eyes or the way he whistled Kenny Loggins tunes—you could see the steam emanating from the shirt he rolled up at the sleeves as he scribbled chalky notations about the Surface Area of a Square and Bossy knew he was talking about her:
Bossy was assigned to Eljo Kuslasik’s class three years in a row, which was all the proof of kismet Bossy needed since her inner city school was so enormous. Bossy knew where Eljo Kuslasik was at all times during the day and which hallways he strolled to get to his next destination. He drove a Gran Torino.
Eljo Kuslasik fathered a slew of blonde kids and was married but that didn’t matter much to Bossy because Bossy spied Mrs. Eljo Kuslasik at a school function one time and she was mousy.
Other girls liked Eljo Kuslasik too. Diana of course, but also Lisa and Lauren and Norma Bordley. Bossy passed her junior high school years thus, breaking out in cold Eljo Kuslasik sweats. It didn’t help that Don’t Stand So Close To Me was the most popular song on Bossy’s clock radio.
In September of her last year in the school, Bossy pushed her parents out the door in the direction of the only teacher conference they ever attended, just so they could eye up Eljo Kuslasik. And they liked him—they talked for the entirety of their allotted time about various beach communities and that place to buy seafood straight off the fishing boats.
In June, Bossy sat in Eljo Kuslasik’s classroom for the last time. As the tepid air blew from the barred open windows across the damp curls on his neck, Eljo Kuslasik lectured about fractions. As he erased the chalkboard Bossy thought about how she and Eljo Kuslasik were two parts of a whole, and how their Greatest Common Factor was that Bossy wanted Eljo Kuslasik to denominate her numerator. They said goodbye.
Fast forward two months and 15-year-old Bossy had just returned to her family’s beach house after a day in the surf. Bossy had wild ocean hair, which differentiates it from every other day of her life exactly not at all except it smelled of horseshoe crabs.
Bossy was just about to peel off her sandy bathing suit when what should appear out her bedroom window but Eljo Kuslasik’s Gran Torino and he was climbing out. Turns out Bossy’s parents had exchanged summer addresses with Eljo Kuslasik and. Here. He. Was.
Bossy took off her bathing suit. She threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. She took off the shorts and the t-shirt and put her bathing suit back on. She put the shorts over the bathing suit. She took the shorts off and tied a wrap skirt around her waist. She pinned her hair up. She let her hair down. She brushed her hair. She tousled her hair. She threw a baseball cap on her head. She removed the cap. A total of fifteen seconds had passed.
Bossy flew down the steps and into the kitchen where her mom was preparing gazpacho. “Mr. Kuslasik,” Bossy said. “He’s here. Outside. Here. At the door. Mr. Kuslasik.”
“And?” Bossy’s mom said, drying her hands. “Aren’t you letting him in?”
But Bossy couldn’t decide. On the one hand she wanted 1+1= 2, but on the other hand she didn’t want to be the third side of Eljo Kuslasik’s triangle.
Bossy’s mom let him in. Eljo Kuslasik and Bossy’s mom sipped iced tea and spoke about inexpensive restaurants while Bossy slumped in her chair and choked on her ice and died.
It was all over in twenty minutes. Eljo Kuslasik stood. Eljo Kuslasik left. Eljo Kuslasik drove away. Because no matter the permutations—when considering the total number of possible outcomes, the probability of Eljo Kuslasik sleeping with 15-year-old Bossy was slim from the get-go. Statistically speaking. Because Eljo Kuslasik was no Debra Lafave.
Even though Bossy still thinks they would have made a cute couple, infinity to the infinity power.
Karla saysDecember 5, 2007 at 11:30 am
Ok, I confess to being a big lurker, but this one brought me out of the shadows because Holy Good God you’re funny!
Howard saysDecember 5, 2007 at 11:34 am
So sweet ::sniff:: I’m going to have to go home now as I can’t work with these intense emotional pressure on me from your story. (Yeah, any excuse)
I had a crush on my 8th-grade math teacher. Sigh.
joeinvegas saysDecember 5, 2007 at 11:34 am
You know, you can probably find him on the internets and get back to that old magic.
Avitable saysDecember 5, 2007 at 11:36 am
That was totally not where I thought that was going. Phew!
Dara saysDecember 5, 2007 at 11:39 am
What is it about middle school male math teachers and girls? My teacher was a short, nebbish kinda guy, but he was super cute and totally funny. He used to do Steve Martin impersonations. He even had the arrow head thingy. I worshipped him. I made a “D” in algebra, and I seriously think he gave that to me.
Sigh. “..infinity to the infinity power”.
Me Thinks saysDecember 5, 2007 at 11:41 am
Me Thinks Bossy’s “word jumble” would be more successful if she did not entitle the photo with one of said words un-jumbled….
Love the story! My best friend and I had a crush on our 7th-8th grade math teacher. Only he was most definitely pervy and our flirting was rewarded with a trip to Math Camp (I suck at math!). Looking back now I’m totally grossed out that he would be flirting with girls our age! Eeeewwwwww.
PS- LOVE your feathered ‘do. You should seriously revisit that, Farrah.
Mrs. Cusack saysDecember 5, 2007 at 11:42 am
So let me get this straight. John Cusack AND Cujo Kulpasick? Don’t think so.
we_be_toys saysDecember 5, 2007 at 11:51 am
Ohhhh! Its a good thing bossy and I didn’t go to the same high school – the place might have spontaneously combusted.
I stalked a poor turkish kid in high school – he didn’t speak much english, so my girlfriend and I practiced “the international language of love”, which, since bossy is John Cusack’s secret lover, she will know exactly where that quote came from!
Fabulous pictures – and I loved the dress/undress/dress/undress/dress, all in 15 seconds – so very familiar!
soNOTcool saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:00 pm
I never had a hot teacher. That sucks.
Natalie saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Whooo-eee, I’m really glad you didn’t go THERE.
I really wish I had a hot math teacher, I might have actually done well. I did have a crush on my drama teacher though, his last name was Smouse. I know, totally random fact.
mp saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:09 pm
My high school teacher wanted to make out with me…and everyone knew it… I was 30.. my friends gave me SO much crap..He was NO Eljo Kuslasik
Heather saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:24 pm
At least your crush made school interesting and gave you a reason to attend. I think John C. would be disappointed to know that he was not your first obsession. It could end your relationship.
Biddy saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:26 pm
when will i ever learn to not have any liguids near when reading bossy? hot coffee really hurts coming out your nostrils, in case you were wondering….
Eljo Kuslasik…love it!
slouching mom saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Good God! The resemblance is uncanny!
LOL at flipping numbers on clocks. Yes, I remember.
And my own Eljo was named Mr. Reefer. That is perhaps funny enough even for you.
Jenni saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Oooooooh, Mr. Kim, Mr. Kim. But it was freshman year of college, and I had A LOT of competition.
Momo Fali saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:49 pm
Though, Eljo does resemble a hairy Danny Bonaduce.
Nilsa S. saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Maybe Eljo Kuslasik didn’t sleep with Bossy because Bossy’s mother would have moderated and that would be way uncomfortable.
Grandma J saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:51 pm
My hot science teacher was gay.
Megan saysDecember 5, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Ahh, Mr. Long. I loved Mr. Long. Mr. Long, did you know I was actually good at Spanish?
Thanks for bringing back the memories.
Laurie Foolery saysDecember 5, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Huge donkey laughs and an occasional snort this morning. Muchas gracias, Bossysita!
My life has been a series of inappropriate authority figure crushes, none of which (OH THANK GOD) were ever realized. When I think back on most of them I almost lose my appetite.
C’mon get hap-PEEEE!
meleah rebeccah saysDecember 5, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Oh my god! That IS Laurie Partridge!!!
(do you still have that clock in your possession? )
annie saysDecember 5, 2007 at 1:13 pm
We had one of him in Junior High and damn I forgot is name…Mr. Connely? Maybe? Something like that…he was 22 years old, which of course, we considered ANCIENT and how was it possible an ANCIENT man was SO attractive?
He ended up marrying the only young, pretty teacher in school. He wasn’t willing to wait for us to grow up (or should I say “older”, really, ha-ha!)
People in the Sun saysDecember 5, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Damn. “Me Thinks” got it before me.
That was cute, though. I was in love with my French teacher because she didn’t wear a bra. I got a seat at the side of the class so I could have a better view. I was very crafty.
Noelle saysDecember 5, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Is there a statute of limitations on an old crush? At the time did you ever think, “when I’m and he’s the age difference won’t even matter!”
Jan, Fascinating saysDecember 5, 2007 at 2:11 pm
So here’s an interesting tidbit: when Jan reads BOSSY’s entries in her blog reader, the RED words don’t show up, which left this entry interesting, with phrases like “BOSSY wanted him to ___ her ____ “.
You are hilarious, my dear. For me (and the entire female population of my school and probably half the male) it was my 10th grade history teacher. *swoon*
wreckless saysDecember 5, 2007 at 2:12 pm
As a teacher and student who was also hot for a teacher, and a teacher reading about teachers, THAT WAS HILLARIOUS!
Audubon Ron saysDecember 5, 2007 at 2:39 pm
The picture of the girl under Bossy in the high school yearbook, you wouldn’t happen to have her number would you?
OMSH saysDecember 5, 2007 at 2:44 pm
My 11 year old can do that quick change thing too … and for some reason, right now, that makes me very nervous after reading this.
I felt the same way about Bo Duke. Oh my. If he had showed up at my parents’ place, I would have CERTAINLY gone with the bathing suit.
He would have LOVED my little bud breasts and the 1 pubic hair I had grown by that time.
Criquette saysDecember 5, 2007 at 2:59 pm
I always made C’s and D’s in math…until I took Dr. Thompson’s statistics classes in grad school. We had all female students in the classes, 80% of which had huge crushes on him. I ended up minoring in stats (with straight A’s), which everyone who knew of my math disability thought was hilarious. Funny what blind lust can do to motivate a person.
Suburban Kamikaze saysDecember 5, 2007 at 2:59 pm
If you think Eljo has got it going on – and really who could deny it? – check out Algebra Bob:
He is my current math crush, and, conveniently, married to one of my very best friends. What is the probability of that?
The Domestic Goddess saysDecember 5, 2007 at 3:04 pm
denominate her numerator?
AHAHAHAHAHA! I laughed so hard I cried. But mostly, I cried because it reminded me of Mr. Lincke, MY highschool crush, who now teaches AT OUR LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL and my kids could have him some day. I mean, OMGWTFBBQ!!!!
qt saysDecember 5, 2007 at 3:17 pm
LOL @ Audubon Ron!
And at denominate her numerator. Hey woman, send me your mailing address pronto, will ya?
Manic Mommy saysDecember 5, 2007 at 3:34 pm
The closest I came to a hot teacher were two really cool ones freshman year. Homeroom teacher: Came in every Monday hung over. Algebra I Teacher: Always checked out the girls’ asses when they walked away. He was probably 23 to our 14.
chirky saysDecember 5, 2007 at 3:42 pm
I just want to know how many other people spent an ungodly amount of time trying to un-jumble Kuslasik’s last name, so I could Google him to find out what he’s doing now.
I’m just kind of stalker-ish that way, I guess.
Meg saysDecember 5, 2007 at 4:09 pm
That reminds me of Mr. Sundberg. [wistful sigh]
Sing it with me now – “Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, I’m hot for teacher.” (I wore out my cassette of Van Halen’s 1984 on that one.)
Karen in DE saysDecember 5, 2007 at 5:07 pm
And I thought I was the only one! Mine was the shop teacher, I didn’t take shop, but I sure knew exactly WHERE “shop” was and how many steps it took to get there from homeroom and exactly the times that Mr. Shop Teacher would be standing outside his door. Sigh. Funny thing is, only a year after HS, I was on my way to join the USN and ran into him in a local bar, we went out and I had the best date ever . . . but then I went away . . . sniff sniff.
Thanks for bringing back the memories!
All Adither saysDecember 5, 2007 at 5:26 pm
My dad was a teacher and he was handsome and fair and very popular and I always wondered what girls had crushes on him. That was weird.
Dexter Wexler saysDecember 5, 2007 at 5:32 pm
We had a couple hot teachers in high school but none of them were as hot as Debra Lafave or Laurie Partridge. We always dreamed of “being” with the teacher, and if it actually happened, would we have told our parents like these kids did? I dont think so, those high school hormones were way more in control. Do I sound like a bad person? Why am I suddenly feeling dirty? Ah screw it, who am I kidding, I would have done her.
Mary Alice saysDecember 5, 2007 at 5:43 pm
Maybe the teacher came to check out Bossy’s mother again.
Mr Farty saysDecember 5, 2007 at 5:51 pm
Weirdly, I mentioned Miss Smölka just yesterday. *sigh*
David saysDecember 5, 2007 at 6:00 pm
And then a long came John Cusack.
Gosh, for me there was Mr. Gates in 5th grade, Mr. Wolinski the elementary school gym teacher, and in high school there was Mr. Benvenuto, Mr. Sapa, and Mr. Loeffler (saw him in the gym shower!).
Flipping clock numbers. Ye gods.
Heather B. saysDecember 5, 2007 at 6:14 pm
‘Denominate her numerator’…well played, Bossy. Well played.
Major props for that one.
sparx saysDecember 5, 2007 at 6:30 pm
well, he WAS a fox. I bet he’s still got a twinkle in his eye. My maths teacher was hot too. My best friend’s ex is a maths teacher. He is not hot.
Jeannie saysDecember 5, 2007 at 6:37 pm
We were apparently born the same year. We were rocking the same haircut and alarm clock. I think Eljo looks a little like that Welcome Back Kotter teacher
Mrs. G. saysDecember 5, 2007 at 7:47 pm
Well, thank the lord it ended this way. Bossy’s story was making me VERY nervous. Bossy was a babe.
Mrs. Chicky saysDecember 5, 2007 at 8:53 pm
A Gran Torino. Wow. No wonder you loved him.
Chrissy saysDecember 5, 2007 at 9:10 pm
Oh mercy, I too had a Mr. Kuslasik…but his name was Mr. Vesely. He was my Greek and Roman Mythology teacher…I sat up front and pretended to like the Iliad. My sister the French teacher saw him at a Foreign Language Teacher conference and said that he had gotten very bald and very puffy. But in a sexy way.
Strizz saysDecember 5, 2007 at 10:29 pm
I so wanted to do one of my junior high art teachers. I saw him a year ago and thought, eh, I could still do him but it wouldn’t be as much fun. Momma always said THINKING about it doesn’t make you a slut. Neither does oral. Right?
Suebob saysDecember 5, 2007 at 10:44 pm
Mr. Ranger, the photo teacher. He was the Cutest Man on Earth.
Hotdog saysDecember 5, 2007 at 10:52 pm
this was funny. thank you.
Rachel saysDecember 5, 2007 at 10:56 pm
No hot young high school teachers where I went to HS.
Only dirty old men, sorry to say.
Oh, The Joys saysDecember 5, 2007 at 10:59 pm
I feel so close to you. Like I’m standing so close to you. Heh.
flutter saysDecember 6, 2007 at 12:03 am
Oh just like Namikov
moosh in indy. saysDecember 6, 2007 at 12:50 am
Mine was Mr. Madden.
Jr. High science.
My sister babysat his kids.
Tootsie saysDecember 6, 2007 at 1:33 am
I totally thought you were gonna do him.
jozet at Halushki saysDecember 6, 2007 at 2:30 am
I think he hit on me at Pat’s Steaks a few weeks ago.
He’s driving a Corolla now.
erin saysDecember 6, 2007 at 5:02 am
Bossy had the Farrah Faccet Flip…love that!
The only teacher I remember well, picked his eye bugers and ate them…all while lecturing in front of a class of 30…eeewwww!
Laura saysDecember 6, 2007 at 6:58 am
Me thinks he looks like Mr. Kott-air, Bossy Bobbarino! What school did you go to? Me thinks Central or Masterman???
Michael Bains saysDecember 6, 2007 at 8:37 am
“On the one hand she wanted 1+1= 2, but on the other hand she didn’t want to be the third side of Eljo Kuslasik’s triangle.”
Is very nice, though no surprise, to learn that Bossy has Always been Brilliant.
Awesome story, and a wonderful moral, Bossy! Peops gots to solve their problems WITHOUT adversely USING our young’ens.
JamesMommy saysDecember 6, 2007 at 9:19 am
Exactly, Bossy, exactly!
Rosie saysDecember 6, 2007 at 9:54 am
Mr. Errjy Alcky – Sophomore year geometry. Oh I had plans for us.
Course, he’s totally bald now and has 5 kids with a woman who graduated a few year before I did. I remember her, too. I always thought she had a big head. Like…Bratz big.
Maybe I *did* have a chance.
davido saysDecember 6, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Doesn’t EVERYBODY know a teacher who married one of his barely adolescent former students? .. and then later was convicted of child molestation? Yep, I knew that guy. Creepy.
Jeanette saysDecember 6, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Brando saysDecember 6, 2007 at 2:59 pm
I think this might be your best ever, and that’s saying a lot. “Denominate her numerator” is the best non-dirty dirty phrase I’ve read in a long time.
And back in my day, my friends and I would have called Mrs. LaFave “Teacher of the Year.”
mountain mama saysDecember 6, 2007 at 3:25 pm
You got lucky with your math teacher.. I had a math teacher that was a pervert, for real!
I bumped into him in the “real world” outside of school where I was all dressed up and 18 then, with a dress that showed cleavage. He saw me and I saw his eyes zoom right to my boobs. He said it was nice to meet me while still staring at my boobs. When I replied I was his old math student he looked at me and recognized me and then went back to staring at my boobs.
Ugh! I walked away quickly!
Wayne saysDecember 7, 2007 at 9:48 am
That took more than a minute.
But I’m ok with that.
Crystal saysDecember 7, 2007 at 5:16 pm
I’m stealing that. I can’t wait to see Mr. McKnob’s face when I tell him to denominate my numerator.
EnnaVic saysDecember 7, 2007 at 8:35 pm
I had a maths teacher like that at school – had him for 3 years and still wonder what happened to him. He got married while I was at high school but it didn’t last. I suspect apart from being cute he was a bit of a prat really. Still like to track him down though.
¿Yh8? saysDecember 14, 2007 at 10:52 am
Thanks Bossy fer the fun story.
This Yh8 entity has found that a fraction is in it’s simplest form when lowest common factor of the numerator and denominator are ONE.
kim at allconsuming saysJanuary 1, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Bossy wanted Eljo Kuslasik to denominate her numeratormwahahahaahahahah
What I could tell you about me and Mr Lindsay, my high school science teacher.
OH how I wanted to be the tripod to his bunsen burner.
Amy saysJuly 11, 2009 at 10:08 am
I LOVE the clothing scene. LOVE IT!
Alpaca Farmgirl saysAugust 6, 2009 at 9:18 am
He looks like the detective from Law & Order – but with more facial hair going on.
perfumes con feromonas saysSeptember 17, 2009 at 10:49 am
Yes who hasn’t had a crush on a teacher? Nice story..what a chock it must have been to see him park outside.
Nine in the Afternoon saysFebruary 17, 2010 at 5:47 pm
This is just SO FUNNY! I’m in love with your whole site.
Allie saysMarch 11, 2010 at 9:55 pm
Oh my God, hilarious. I wish I’d had a hot math teacher because maybe I would have actually learned something. To this day, math is my nemesis.
KLZ saysMarch 16, 2010 at 4:55 pm
This is the perfect description of every secret, treasured, junior high crush I ever had. Bravo!
Rachel saysApril 29, 2010 at 11:16 pm
Man, you’re hilarious! For me, it was junior high social science, but in my dreams he looked like Sting 😉
Roberto Casey saysJuly 2, 2010 at 10:18 pm
I am so glad I met you at the studio. This is absolutely brilliant!
bj saysAugust 29, 2010 at 7:55 am
OMG! That was so funny…..but oh…how I could relate! I had a 6th. grade homeroom/math teacher and I had the biggest crush on him. I had that crush all through high school. He was a gentleman….no hanky panky with him!
artitude saysApril 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm
you are too funny…..this teacher looks familiar to me..lmao..;o)
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