I have a line of Evergreen trees – Arborvitae I think – that were planted as a buffer between our house and a busy road. The problem is they have a few brown, dead patches here and there which the wife hates and so now she wants the trees removed. But I don’t want to see the road. Help!
Your wife requires way more maintenance than your Arborvitae ever will.
Your Wife: orders a glass of Shiraz at that restaurant and then returns it because it tastes “effervescent”. She then scans the wine list – taking too long – while the waiter stands there shifting from foot to foot. She then settles on a Woodbridge Cabernet but complains the whole time that it tastes nothing like the Woodbridge Cabernet served at your neighbor’s deck party. So she asks the waiter for some seltzer but then lets it sit because she decides instead to appropriate your Black & Tan.
Your Arborvitae: Appreciates moist soil. Their shallow root systems need some extra water during draught conditions and a four-inch layer of organic mulch to contain the moisture. And a nice soaking before winter sets in.
Your Wife: Complained for two years that she couldn’t really “get on with her life” until she had a fourth bedroom large enough to convert into a Scrapbooking Studio. And so you moved into a house with a large fourth bedroom without any indication that the wife would be able to detect faint sounds of the distant interstate from the pantry window between the hours of midnight and 4 AM. Also she hates the kitchen and is slowly building a case against the architect who clearly missed class on the day they studied The Work Triangle Concept.
Your Arborvitae: Enjoys well-drained soil and thrives when the soil has an alkaline pH level. This means throwing some ground lime around in fall or spring.
Your Wife: Looked online for six months until she located the perfect summer rental only three blocks from the ocean. And then every morning she makes you carry not one but two large canvas umbrellas to the beach just so she can avoid romping through the surf and instead sit in the shade and complain about men over fifty who wear Speedos. But only until 10:30 a.m. when she begins to fret over UV Radiation and so eventually leaves the beach in order to buy every sunhat in the county and a really expensive pair of Oakley sunglasses.
Your Arborvitae: Loves full to partial sun.
Your Wife: Gets her hair cut once a month by a man named Giancarlo who charges $225 to cut barely distinguishable “long layers” around the nape of her neck and to discuss his native Italy. Also there’s the “color girl” who, for a fee of $195, will add highlights and lowlights to your wife’s hair until she kind of looks like she spent the summer romping through the surf.
Your Arborvitae: Can be pruned of any brown sections either before the appearance of spring growth or directly after.
Keep the trees, remove the wife.