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i am bossy

A Very Bossy Update

Hello, and welcome to Bossy’s update! Now with 72% more excuses!

As you may know, Bossy moved to the city at the end of the summer and has been reacquainting herself to city life. Truth be told, it’s not that different.

For instance when Bossy lived in her small town and needed groceries, she would buy them. Now Bossy rides an elevator to her bike room where she wrestles her bike from a meat hook hung high on the wall and unhinges her two rear bicycle baskets to accommodate purchases before pedaling on a main thoroughfare’s bike lane, otherwise known to vehicles as I don’t understand why this lane is painted with a bike logo but let’s knock these cyclists off with our hood.

Then Bossy tangles her bike pedals alongside other bike pedals propped against a municipal parking sign, and secures her bike frame with a bike lock before entering the store and filling what she thought was a toddler shopping cart, returning to her bike in order to settle the groceries down into the two bike baskets and unlock the bike and reattach her bike lock before pedaling the distance home and into the bike room where Bossy lifts the groceries from her baskets and places them on the concrete floor where the loose fruit and vegetables roll under adjacent bike tires while Bossy collapses her bike baskets so she can lift her bike that is heavy enough for the mountain trails Philadelphia doesn’t have, once again angling the front tire onto the mounted meat hook without bending the spokes or causing a crashing domino effect down the line of bikes belonging to Bossy’s very young and very fit medical residency neighbors.

See? Easy as one-two-three! One-two-three in arabic.

If you had the stamina to read the above, you may wonder why Bossy thinks her many apartment building neighbors are in a medical residency. The short answer is: their age and propensity to have multiple roommates while maintaing a lifestyle commensurate with their impending income and proximity to a superior ivy league medical school. The long answer is: Clogs. Propped outside their apartment doors.

Other changes in Bossy’s life include a paved river trail in front of her loft building that allows for many miles of safe, unfettered running. Luckily for Bossy, it also allows for many miles of safe, unfettered hobbling while wearing running shoes.

And for those days too cold to run outside — or too rainy or too snowy or too foggy or too unpopulated or too populated or too hot or too dark or otherwise inclement or even clement — Bossy’s apartment building features a gym which features a treadmill next to a window overlooking the running trail. Bossy simply climbs aboard and tunes the nearest television to an international program that stimulates the mind by alternating between English and Spanish, which is to say I Love Lucy.

And Bossy’s thirty minutes of exercise passes by in no time! Which is to say there is no time as excruciating as waiting for her thirty minutes of treadmill time to pass.

As such, Bossy tries to break that thirty minutes into more acceptable chunks of time. For instance Bossy will note to herself that two minutes have passed since she hit the Quick Start button and manually ticked off the many annoying beeps between standstill and her 6.0 miles per hour speed.

And then Bossy will calculate there are only 14 two-minute intervals left, which takes her 60 seconds to calculate, depositing her on Minute Three. At this point Bossy will note there is only one two-minute interval remaining until she will have completed five minutes on the treadmill, and there are only six five-minute intervals in her thirty minutes, meaning she is nearly to the five five-minute interval mark, which is only a two-minute interval from seven minutes, and there are loosely only four seven-minute intervals in the entire workout give or take a minute, a calculation which will deposit Bossy near the ten-minute mark when everybody knows there are only three ten-minute intervals before achieving thirty minutes, and Bossy is approaching the point of only two ten-minute intervals remaining, which is reason to celebrate by allowing herself the treat of counting the number of bull dogs on their way to the dog park. Bossy is a natural athlete.

Bossy then retires to her loft, emphasis on tires, where she showers for her workday and prepares her morning Kale smoothie otherwise known as The World’s Best Marketing Campaign Transformed an Ignored Soul Food Side Dish Into A Breakfast Cereal.

Next Bossy walks to work through her local city park:

Bossy’s walk culminates in the high rise where Bossy works as a money manager, which is to say she manages not to spend all of her money buying artisan coffee at the nearby coffee place where the baristas are so hip they look like the Amish farmers their ancestors tried not to resemble.

Bossy spends her day typing and printing and scanning and emailing but mostly smiling at the collection of coworkers Bossy loves like family.

After work Bossy sometimes goes to a bar. Not all of the time, mind you, because sometimes she goes to a different bar.

And you should know Bossy has been dating up a storm, which is a coincidence because sometimes Bossy wishes for a storm so she can cancel her date.

And about that: dating is a strange thing. In fact, it is really surprising that no one has ever tried to write a book or movie or song about the awkwardness of dating, with the exception of everyone. Most often Bossy gets to know these men online, and then schedules a night to meet, typically at a bar, but sometimes at a bar attached to a restaurant. Bossy has met many very interesting men, and yet something is usually missing.

Sometimes the missing thing is Bossy.

In addition to dating, Bossy has been spending a lot of time with her kids in the city, which is convenient since Bossy accommodates her two kids with only one twin bed, one sleeping bag thrown on a short sofa, and no curtains on an East facing view. But really it’s all about togetherness! Unfortunately in this case that togetherness begins at sunrise.

But Bossy has other news too! You see, Bossy is in the process of a blog redesign with a highly esteemed designer Bossy will announce very soon!

Bossy loves her blog like her third born child, and it has been exceedingly sad to watch I Am Bossy bob along in mounting waves, taking on water. But no longer.

So please have patience while all of the necessary improvements are accomplished to make this blog easier to read – and write – again. Please consider leaving a comment detailing things you would like to see, and not see here, moving forward. After all, you have always been Bossy’s esteemed council and you must know Bossy misses you every single day. Trust her.

Cheers to 2014.

If you liked this post, consider reading this one featuring Bossy’s Tutorial on How To Jog.

Or why not read this one about The Time Nina Totenberg was Horny.

Or this timely one about The Many Lookalikes Surrounding Downton Abbey.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. I have been waiting for you to get your act together! Only because one of us has to have it together, and since I can’t seem to manage it myself, it’s up to you! And I’m here and ready to read!

    Reply

  3. I can’t see any of the pictures. sigh. I bet they are spectacular. My son was accepted to Drexel but I think his heart is leading to Northeastern instead. Darn. I would have liked to get to know Philly better.

    Reply

  6. Last night — JUST last night! — I trolled back over here for the umpteenth time looking for a current bit o’ Bossy to no avail.

    In other venues…It’s against my religion to comment on posts that are “public” on Facebook, but I have to tell you how highly I regard your latest post at Babble. (http://tinyurl.com/m3f2huj) So SO well said, every single word! I am of the age to have been raised in the “don’t do as I do, do as I tell you to” era, and let me tell you parents — you want a good relationship with your kids? You *show* them those values you’re preaching at ’em. Happily, my now pretty-much-grow-up kids, like your own two goofs, seem to feel that our family pretty much got things right.

    I’m passing that link along to everyone I can think of who might benefit from The Wisdom That is Bossy. Gonna do my part to get that one onto Upworthy.

    Thank you a bazillion times for finding the words so many people need to hear!

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  8. Waiting patiently for that time when Bossy is excited about blogging again. And when it fits into her life again. No hurry. Not going anywhere. 🙂

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  9. O my god. How I’ve missed your adventures! If your frigging dates are anything like mine, you’re probably huddled in a corner of the couch like me, trying to resist eating all of the food and drinking all of the wine and smoking all of the everything.

    Date #1: Because I am a professional writer and nosy person, I managed to figure out that he was a world-renowned authority on, and professor of, the French Revolution, before I ever met him. And because I live on an island, I was able to learn that he is still married… to another world renowned authority on French Revolution. Who works at the same school, and in fact, is the head of his department. (Oh, and did I mention he was also into BDSM and polyamory?) Canceled four hours before we were supposed to meet.
    Date #2: Genetic scientist with dual British/American citizenship who looked absolutely impeccable on paper but who grabbed my tits while we were snorkeling ON OUR SECOND DATE and who told me he was deeply into spanking ON OUR THIRD DATE o where do i find these people and yeah, why did i agree to a third date? BECAUSE BECAUSE.
    Date #3: An “environmental engineer” who turned out to be a “Nigerian scammer.” No, I sure didn’t give him any money, and never, ever would have… but the creepiest part is that I am a decent researcher, a very savvy and longtime user of the Interwebs, and it took me a few days of exchanges before I realized this guy was a scammer.
    Date #4: An artisanal baker from another Hawaiian island who — again — looked really great until I started snooping around… and realized that his wife had died… two MONTHS before he first contacted me… she died SNORKELING… and she was with HIM. And his big artisanal Popeye muscles gahhhh. (Keep in mind that I’m an avid snorkelhead and talked to him about it a lot, and in my profile. And keep in mind also that I am a writer with a vivid imagination. I broke our date 24 hours before it was supposed to happen, claiming I just wasn’t ready to date even a year after my divorce, and HOW COULD YOU BE LOOKING FOR LOVE TWO MONTHS AFTER YOUR WIFE DROWNS YOU ICKY ICKY MONSTER okay there, I said it, BUT NOT TO HIM.

    I am never ever gonna get laid again.

    Much aloha from your friend Caroline
    Now causing a ruckus on the North Shore of O‘ahu

    Reply

  12. A day without Bossy is like a day without sunshine in the Sunshine State.
    You are a busy, busy woman.

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  15. Happy 2014, Bossy! We’ll find you whenever you are there to be found. So happy this link popped up on FB today. Nothing.

    Dang, you are a busy woman.

    Reply

  17. The website can be all black with DOS pixel text — as long as it contains the wit and wisdom that is Bossy. But pretty will be… prettier.

    Your photography is amazing, so more of that is always welcome. But what your Esteemed Council has missed most is Bossy.

    Link to your Teen Beat blog, too. It’s been carrying us through.

    Can’t wait to see what’s next!

    Reply

  18. BOSSY IS BACK ! This is a good thing for the whole world.
    With writing as insightful and entertaining as yours, how could the world possibly not be a better place with BOSSY BACK IN IT ! Welcome home. bruhva G

    Reply

  19. So far, it appears, we, your esteemed council, aren’t being much help in giving you suggestions . . . but Olivia is part of that crowd . . . we don’t care what you say or how you say it, we are just helpless Bossy groupies who have so missed you.

    Reply

  20. On a whim, after months of not checking to avoid disappointment, I checked this blog yesterday, only to be disappointed. And yet…I checked again today, and I’m agog, because you seem to be back!
    Blog the stuff you like, just more of it. I think you under-rate yourself, Bossy.

    Reply

  24. Yes indeed, the East Bank is to med students what Mauritius was to Dodo birds. Except the med students have a future. A future riddled with debt. Debt and sleeplessness. Perhaps the Dodos were luckier after all.

    Must give props to Caroline (commenter #9) for her outstanding descriptions of date fails. Seems that emotional baggage and B&D are the main things many of today’s fortysomething men bring to a new relationship. Don’t really know what to say about Snorkelman.

    Am hoping a Very Bossy Date-A-Log will follow in a future blog post.

    Cheers.

    Reply

  25. I’m with Jenn @ #24. I’ll take Bossy any way I can get her…thank gah SOMEBODY’S blogging again, because everyone seems to have lost the ability to write in paragraphs, including me. Damn Fbook, Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr!

    Reply

  27. No need for a redesign…it’s your prose that matters, and that’s been terrific–keep it coming. As commenter #24 said, some feedback about your dating adventures would be great…dating is always a surreal experience and your takes on most Kafka-esque things that cross your path are a hoot. Just keep going.

    Reply

  30. You crack me up. Love your Barbie doll stories. My son is a medical student at Drexel. Small world isn’t it. He lives near Logan square. Hope you’re keeping warm during the polar vortex.

    Reply

  33. I return once again, Bossy, as I usually do because i adore your posts when you get around to writing and posting them. Change your blog? Argh! I love your blog AS IS. But what do I know? I do know you posting more often is good for your blog and nice for all of us. So do whatever it takes to make that happen!!

    Reply

  34. we do love us some BOSSY, and like many said above, whatever you want to write about…..your council is hear waiting for you!!!

    Reply

  38. Welcome to 2014, Bossy – looking forward to all of us getting our proverbial together – tis the year to “hop on the horse” so to speak.

    Your bike/running path looks very similar to one in Brisbane. I wonder do they design rivers just so they can put one of them along it?

    Reply

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