April 11, 2006
ADVICE OF THE DAY – clean house
You probably guess what Bossy is doing. Correct, she’s embarking on a colon-cleansing diet. After too much Saturday Night, and hours spent lying on the couch avoiding the sunshine on Sunday, Bossy decided her innards needed the equivalent of opening the shutters and throwing up the sash.
So Bossy found an alternative medicine website featuring this kooky little detox screening quiz – sort of like colon catechism meant to determine your digestive sins. Even though Bossy answered only three out of the seventeen humiliating questions detrimentally, the author of the quiz, a certain Cathy Wong ND, said Bossy was the ideal candidate for a cleansing diet. Never mind that Bossy isn’t nearly as judgmental as Cathy Wong ND, whose opinion Bossy now trust even though Bossy’s never heard of an “ND” degree in her whole entire life.
Next Bossy researched foods, and divided them into categories of what she could and could not eat. Great news! The list of what Bossy can consume is longer! Bad news: it’s because they lassoed the food groups so broadly that Bossy’s Don’t Eat list includes the entire food pyramid:
NO salt, dairy, sugars, flours, meats, poultry, caffeine, alcohol, or chocolate.
But, chin up, you get to eat all the cauliflower you want! And Broccoli, beans, and nuts – all foods that empty the fat reserves while filling you with extra energy! And there are all kind of survival tips, for instance dousing your food with lemon instead of salt, or murdering your husband instead of eating a chocolate bar!
And you’ll feel so good you’ll be ending every sentence with an exclamation point!
So Day Three of Bossy’s cleansing diet and how does she feel? Like complete shit. She’s puckered from all this lemon, constipated, bloated and, Bossy doesn’t mind saying, gaseous. She’s also tired as hell with, what’s this? Pain in her right kidney? And Bossy thinks she’s drowning in all the water meant to replace her meat, potatos, and alcohol.
No matter, Bossy’s already planning her falling-off-the-wagon menu – a dinner so buttery it would probably throw prissy-face Cathy Wong ND into epileptic fits.
Cathy Wong ‘ND’