I have curves and waves, but I would like about ten pounds less of them. I need a do-able solution, so don’t give me the same-old same-old retort: stop eating, don’t drink anymore, have more sex in strange positions – been there done that, so help.
– Ms. Muffett
So you want to lose weight and you want it done right
You have tried all before but your pants are still tight
And you want something different, a plan less obtuse,
Well here’s food for thought, from me: Dr Seuss.
If you’d like to look crazy, anorexic, and tarty
Like Renée Zellwegger and Calista Flockharty
Then join their plan – Atkins – it left them skin and bones.
They don’t eat, drink, or shit, but they live off Ketones.
For a role model more sane, look to Miss Jodie Foster
Her Beverly Hills Diet lists just fruit on the roster
On the tenth day add carbs; third week in, you eat protein
Sure you’ll have diarrhea – but it makes you quite lean!
Sarah-Michelle Gellar enjoys the Cabbage Soup Diet,
I don’t know who she is, but she sounds like a riot,
I mean WHO ELSE thinks it’s crazy to fart away pounds?
Yes you fit in your jeans, but the SMELL – it abounds!
The Scarsdale Diet – now here’s one that’s old school.
No snacking allowed, but suppressants the rule.
You’ll eat fruit and veggies, we’ll think you’re on meth,
But sadly this diet oft times leads to DEATH.
And what of Weight Watchers? It may disappoint.
All those points, all those points,
all those points points points points.
Points given to fiber and points given to fat,
Points ‘cause you’ve jogged and points ‘cause you’ve sat.
But you’re bound to lose weight if you give it some time,
Of course you won’t see results ‘til you’re a hundred and nine.
If you have a calculator and an advanced science degree,
If you have lots of free time and are way smarter than me,
Then perhaps the Zone diet is perfect for you,
Never mind it’s so hard you won’t find time to chew.
There are others – like South Beach, and Dr. Perricone’s “face lift”,
You can shovel off pounds in a really big snow drift.
there’s the Bite Plan that’s based on French Women Don’t Get Fat
(neither do Zimbabwean gals, yet no bestseller for that)
My friend lost a dress size when she ended her marriage,
And one lost a stone pushing a double-wide carriage.
My friend lost a ton due to pre-surgical restrictions
And I once knew a rail due to cocaine addiction.
Another lost pounds when she couldn’t eat cheese,
Another when a drummer made her weak in the knees.
But in your case – what’s ten pounds, you know, give or take?
Enjoy a basket of bread and a thick fatty steak.