Dear Bossy

Last year we had a cute family of House Wrens in the birdhouse right outside our front door. What do I need to do to encourage them to come back? Do I have to clean out the old nest or will they just use it?

B. Watcher
—————-

Dear B,

I can call you B, right? I heard you have some real estate. I was wintering in Norfolk, but I need to relocate. I have family scattered across the map, from British Columbia to New Brunswick, from Montreal to southeastern Arizona – with a little northern Texas, Tennessee, and northern Georgia thrown in. So I’m not finicky about where I end up, although I’m partial to the ‘burbs.

My last summerhouse was a real dive. OK, it wasn’t actually a house – it was a pocket. Of a trench coat. On a clothesline. You should have heard the old lady. I had to kill three other birds for that fucking location – I punctured their eggs and threw their shit in the street! I hauled sticks, more than four hundred, from morning til night to make it all cozy, and still the wife bitched about the lack of southern exposure. But I promised her a dip in the concrete birdbath and she got all sweet-like and lined the nest cup with green leaves and old tinsel.

And just in time for our five kids. I don’t mind telling you we nearly ended up on Dr Phil over the care of those knuckleheads. It was two weeks of regurgitated Caterpillars, Aphids, Grasshoppers, Moths, Beetles, Snails. Up to a thousand frigging meals a day! And after two weeks they flew the coop. No thank you, no kiss my ass, no nothing. Leaving us empty nesters.

So then the old lady starts blabbering about needing to go out and find herself. She always was flighty. But that’s OK because now I got my eye on a cute little number from Mexico. She don’t speak much English – according to her I’m not just a House Wren, I’m a Chivirín Saltapared.

So this year I’m thinking a summerhouse that doesn’t blow in the wind. Maybe a nice little four-square on a quiet residential street. Nothing too fancy. And you don’t have to worry about getting the place broom-ready – I’ll drag the old shit out, even if I turn right around and use that same shit for my nest. I’m just like that.

http://www.birdwatching.com/

http://www.birds.cornell.edu/AllAboutBirds/BirdGuide/House_Wren.html