Dear Bossy

I’m a lonely guy trying to get back into the dating scene after a long dry spell. It’s tough out there. Got any tips?

– Dateless in Secaucus
—————————

Dear Dateless,

According to David DeAngelo’s book "Double Your Dating", you need to suffocate your inner Nice Guy and become strong, mean, and manipulative. Of course David DeAngelo is the pseudonym for Eban Pagan who I believe is actually a terrorist.

Eban Pagan David Deangelo is only one of many male advisors taking up residence on a website dedicated to helping you become a layer player. And this is great because it is an undisputed fact that guys know exactly what’s going on inside the mind of a female. So here are a few of their helpful tips for securing a woman:

*  Maintain a tidy appearance because a girl will go through her own mental checklist while looking you over, such as “Is his hair washed and styled? Are his fingernails clean? Are his shoes polished? Uh-oh, is he gay?”

*  Apply cologne to the following heat-emitting spots: wrists, neck, arm pits, and behind the ears. Also upper trunk of leg, arch of foot, calves, knuckles, knees, big toes, and between the fifth and sixth thoracic nerves.

*  Always iron your clothes before going out. Wrinkles belong on ninety year old men.

*  Be uber masculine – never engage in activities such as ironing.

*  Players do not wear tennis sneakers or basketball sneakers – players wear classics! Unless that player is Andre Agassi or Michael Jordan.

*  Develop a slightly arrogant, upright walk. Always remember to keep your chest out, shoulders back, and insert a small carrot up your ass.

*  Invent an icebreaking tool, such as a business card inscribed, "Smile if you want to sleep with me" Nine out of ten women won’t be able to hold back that smile – oh wait, that’s puke. Maybe invent another icebreaking tool, such as a pickax.

*  Always appear to be busy, even when you aren’t. Example phone conversation: Girl: “What are you doing?” Uber Man: “Nothing I am performing a tracheotomy on my Shih Tzu.”

*  Be aware of body language. A woman will expose her wrists and the palms of her hands when she is interested. You knew all along a slap on the face was the first sign of foreplay!

*  Check for unintentional signals. A woman’s pupils will dilate while looking at a person she likes. Keep in mind that lighting can greatly affect this. For instance, you may need to put her in the trunk of your car.

*  If you want to find out if a woman is checking you out, look at your watch, count to three, then look at her again. If she looks at her watch, she was checking you out! If she hits you on the head with her beer bottle she was probably also checking you out!

*  Always make her think you like her ten times less than you actually do. Example pillow talk: Girl: “I love you.” Uber Man: “I love you ten times less.”

*  Never act as if her behavior bothers you, even if it does. Save these discussions for after you’re married, preferably accompanied by a left jab/straight right/left hook combination.

Now get your ass on a barstool and Good Luck!

How To Become A Player