What’s the deal with Air Fresheners? They’re everywhere!
– Asking
———–
Dear Ass King,
Hello.
I’m a Glade® Wisp® Scented Oil Fragrancer, but you can call me Glade® Wisp® Scented Oil Fragrancer. I’m the newest in a line of candles, oils, gels, sprays, powders, and plug-ins meant to mask the fact that you’ve never heard of an open window and a fan in your whole entire life.
I am produced by SC Johnson – a mega corporation that can’t talk enough about how it’s actually just a little ol’ family business. And so this is my family’s house:
There are some people – just a few folks like the EPA – who speculate that air fresheners are hazardous to one’s health. But according to my website they absolutely are not “when used according to label instruction, in real life situations.®” But in fantasy situations – such as using the Air Freshener as a parachute when careering off the top of the Empire State Building – not so safe.
There’s also chatter that Glade products – especially plug-ins – have been involved in house fires. Pish! Just because we had to recall one of our Glade® Extra Outlet Scented Oil products after we discovered “an assembly error®”! That was probably just grandpa working without his bifocals again!
How could I be harmful? I may be a “totally new technology®” but really all I do is sit around while my ultrasonic micro pump which is controlled by a computer chip releases a measured puff of fragrance according to the setting on my five-position intensity switch! I’m just a blob of plastic! That releases carcinogens and other agents thought to generate high levels of ozone every nine seconds! Just kidding®. Sometimes I only release every 36 seconds! That’s 2880 times a day! Also I’m now available in a new design:
I come in many invigorating scents, such as Clean Linen. “Nothing spells out freshness like the smell of newly laundered sheets just dried on the line with a touch of gentle breezes®” Also nothing spells out freshness like an F, an R, a couple of E’s, ditto on the S, an H and an N.
Although I will admit there’s one little troubling warning on my label: If inhalation occurs, remove yourself to fresh air.
Exactly®.
Adorable Girlfriend says
June 19, 2006 at 9:49 pmThose chemicals around your house is the Glade Wisp. That stuff has been shown to be harmful to children when inhaled on a routine basis.
Chuckles says
June 20, 2006 at 12:55 pmI thought kids weren’t supposed to inhale until college.