Yesterday the FDA approved over-the-counter sale of Plan B, an emergency morning-after contraceptive pill.
Available without a prescription to women 18 and over, Plan B contains a higher dose of the synthetic hormone levonorgestrel found in routine birth control pills – and if taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex will reduce the chance of pregnancy 89%.
Note to Bossy’s teenage son: This still leaves a whopping 11% pregnancy up for grabs. Also? I’ll kill you.
Meanwhile still awaiting FDA approval is the following sample of Bossy’s Morning-After pills:
The pink pill is to counteract the effects of eating a box of Maple Sugar Candy washed down with a bottle of Pinot Grigio while watching the rebroadcast of Project Runway.
The yellow pill is to quell symptoms of remorse following an encounter where Bossy told her best friends their ideas were stupid. Through a Megaphone. In her dining room.
The red pill is to stave off the many complications associated with wearing $6 flip-flops purchased on the Atlantic City boardwalk.
The blue pill is a synthetic beta-adrenergic receptor blocking agent indicated in the management of tachycardias and arrhythmias resulting from the fact that often when Bossy bends at the waist – or when she thinks about her teenage son and the morning-after pill – her sinoatrial node palpitates so rapidly through her right and left atria the next thing she knows she’s
belly-up for a paramedic. Next time she may even tell him it’s her heart.