Hello and welcome to the Blind Soccer World Cup Games. As you know, every four years legally blind athletes such as yourselves compete in a ten-nation tournament to determine the winning team. Let’s get started!
My lovely assistant Vesna is handing out the satin eye masks you will wear as eye protection. No, sir, we didn’t steal the blindfolds from Joan Crawford, and sir? That’s not Vesna you’re flirting with – that’s a scoreboard. And you over there – can you wait until Vesna hands the blindfold to you? Because the soft round things you just grabbed are not blindfolds but rather belong to a certain Miss Vesna.
As is the custom, you will be competing on cement courts half the size of a regulation soccer field. To protect against injury Vesna will now hand out foam head protectors. Smart aleck in the back – they may look like Depends diapers but they go on your head. Very funny. Your other head.
Next slip on your wrist protectors and remember to keep one arm extended at all times to avoid unnecessary collisions. Let’s all try it together – one two three, arms out! Oh blimey, sir – but you should have been wearing your protective eye mask! I’m sorry I poked your eye out but look on the bright side: what will it matter really?
OK, let’s familiarize ourselves with the rules of the game. The object is to kick the ball. This ball. This ball right here. This ball you idiot – what are you, blind? Right, sorry. Just a little Blind World Cup humor!
Now: the object is to kick this ball into that net. That net. The net over there. Not there, there! Oh sweet heavens now you’ve gone and tangled yourself in the net. Anyone have a pair of scissors handy?