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i am bossy

Bossy’s Labor Day Ten Commandments because It’s the 1st Day of the Rest of Her Life and the Holidays are only 103 Days Away.

commandments

  1. I am the Lord Bossy your God Blog. Thou shalt have no other gods blogs before Bossy.

  2. Thou also shalt not fashion idols. Or watch American Idol, especially prostrate with a mouth full of Marie Callender’s Razzleberry Pie.

  3. Thou shalt not work on the Sabbath Day. Thou shalt buy a calendar at Office Max and find out what fooking day that is. Also? Thou shalt not swear falsely by the name of the god blog. But go ahead and swear in truth. Plenty.

  4. Thou shalt honor your father and your mother. Thou shalt honor them with small gifts from Target and phone calls that try not to make mention of the rising cost of living and the fact that they’re pissing away your inheritance.

  5. While we’re at it, thou shalt not murder. Obviously not as important as the whole Razzleberry Pie thing, but just thought it should be thrown in here somewhere.

  6. Neither shalt you commit adultery. Except with that pizza delivery guy – he doesn’t count because he’s like twenty and drives a red BMW.

  7. Thou shalt not steal. The phone number. Of the pizza delivery guy. Who bought the red BMW from your mother.

  8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor. Although it’s perfectly fine to bear false-ish witness – like telling the authorities that raccoons are nesting in your neighbor’s weed trees and the reason you know for certain is because the folks at Animal Welfare leaned out of their truck to warn that if your neighbors didn’t cut down all the weed trees that incidentally block the sun from your garden, as well as all the nasty holly bushes and other overgrown shite that hangs over your house, they will be responsible for a rabies epidemic. The weed trees blocking the sun from your garden: true. The raccoons and Animal Welfare and rabies: false-ish.

  9. Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s wife husband. Which is easy because he’s 4’11” and chain-smokes on his back porch while placing calls to his native Taiwan at four in the morning.

  10. Neither shalt you covet your neighbor’s house. Except for their sunroom addition. Which would look so much better on your house. Painted white.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. O Bossy, there are no other blogs before you. I have even shown the Man your blog and he reads you before ME.

    Yeah. As for me and my household, we shall read BOSSY.

    And then me.

    Did pastor preach on the Big 10 yesterday?)

    Also, thanks for leaving the sabbath part in. Oddly, of all the commandments that’s the longest one…. and least kept these days.

    Reply

  2. Amen! Like any partial religious (oxymoronish, I know) I’ll probably be breaking some of this rules. :p But I always come back. Ehem.

    I don’t need to wait for Sabbath for rest days. I have Sabbath 4 days a week. That should show you how observant I am to tradition. I’m so staunch when it comes to Sabbath! 😀

    Reply

  9. 1. Um, is Pioneer Woman ok, too?
    3. Does working on Labor Day count, because I am… oh, not really working, but reading blogs at work… nevermind, probably ok.
    4. check on the swearing
    7. ewww, the pizza guy? ewwww, not even him, ok? He is balding and has a bigger beergut than I do.
    10. my neighbor, blech, could you tell him to put his shirt on when he mows, please, Bossy, please?

    Reply

  25. Even with the tongue-in-cheek that follows, it’s still hard to read the word “fooking” on Bossy’s blog.

    PS
    If Bossy’s not going to make a play for the neighbor’s husband, she wouldn’t mind if I get his digits… right?

    Reply

  27. I really hate it when a post is so funny I am unable to comment without sounding like a douche, saying something like “too funny!” or “me too!”

    Because, truly, it’s all about me.

    Reply

  29. HAAAAAAAA!

    the visual of your tiny neighbor, on his phone, smoking, at 4am had me rofl! Probably would annoy the heck out of me if I lived there, but from this distance, very funny.

    Reply

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