- I am
the LordBossy your GodBlog. Thou shalt have no other godsblogs before Bossy.
- Thou also shalt not fashion idols. Or watch American Idol, especially prostrate with a mouth full of Marie Callender’s Razzleberry Pie.
- Thou shalt not work on the Sabbath Day. Thou shalt buy a calendar at Office Max and find out what fooking day that is. Also? Thou shalt not swear falsely by the name of the
godblog. But go ahead and swear in truth. Plenty.
- Thou shalt honor your father and your mother. Thou shalt honor them with small gifts from Target and phone calls that try not to make mention of the rising cost of living and the fact that they’re pissing away your inheritance.
- While we’re at it, thou shalt not murder. Obviously not as important as the whole Razzleberry Pie thing, but just thought it should be thrown in here somewhere.
- Neither shalt you commit adultery. Except with that pizza delivery guy – he doesn’t count because he’s like twenty and drives a red BMW.
- Thou shalt not steal. The phone number. Of the pizza delivery guy. Who bought the red BMW from your mother.
- Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor. Although it’s perfectly fine to bear false-ish witness – like telling the authorities that raccoons are nesting in your neighbor’s weed trees and the reason you know for certain is because the folks at Animal Welfare leaned out of their truck to warn that if your neighbors didn’t cut down all the weed trees that incidentally block the sun from your garden, as well as all the nasty holly bushes and other overgrown shite that hangs over your house, they will be responsible for a rabies epidemic. The weed trees blocking the sun from your garden: true. The raccoons and Animal Welfare and rabies: false-ish.
- Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s
wifehusband. Which is easy because he’s 4’11” and chain-smokes on his back porch while placing calls to his native Taiwan at four in the morning.
- Neither shalt you covet your neighbor’s house. Except for their sunroom addition. Which would look so much better on your house. Painted white.