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Advent Bossy. December Eleven. Or Whenever In Fook It’s On.

advent-take-home

It seems like every five seconds Bossy is out here with her balls in the wind swooning over some new husband. Well today is different. Because this husband has been around for 18 months. He’s Master Chef Curtis Stone and. This deserves a new sentence: he is from Australia.

curtis-stone

The fact that he’s from Australia allows him to say things like, “I ambush un-say-specting pay-ple and offer to geeve thame a hand weeth their dee-nar.”

Bossy is talking about Take Home Chef, the popular cooking show on The Learning Channel. Here’s how it works: Curtis with his dimples and poky hair approaches women in the grocery store and nslsdfhd nsjdiro dfhdooee. Frankly Bossy isn’t exactly sure what happens next because she’s too busy tabulating how much money it would cost her family to relocate to the West Coast so Bossy can shop in the kind of markets that offer up free Aussies.

All Bossy does know is that before they can count to eh hendred, the googly-eyed women shoppers are throwing strange ingredients in their carts and heading home to their paltry kitchens alone with Curtis Stone and the film crew. Once home the chef prepares specialties from all over the globe, like Steamed Mussels with Chorizo & White Wine, Thai Coconut Rice, Sautéed Foie Gras, and Sashimi of Tuna with Ponzu Dipping Sauce. Bossy doesn’t even know what Ponzu Dipping Sauce is, but if it comes with that nose and those eyes, Bossy is in.

OK. So, blah blah cooking advice and careful instructions, about halfway through the show the woman from the market is excused to go get dressed for the dinner she has been helping to prepare. She disappears from frame and—miraculously—returns with a knockout dress whose neck scoops to Breast City.

And then they flirt flirt flirt while Curtis puts the finishing touches on the chocolate ice cream bon bons. And just in time because soon the unsuspecting husband/boyfriend figure is coming through the door to discover the bank of TV lights and cameras. Smile smile smile, the husband/boyfriend goes, as he flips through his Rolodex of Awkward Situations to figure out how to treat the blonde hunk who just spent the day alone with his wife/girlfriend.

But not to worry, you husband/boyfriends, because women don’t think too highly of men who can roll up their snug dress shirts and rustle up Crêpes à la Normande. Not much.

Here Is Some Curtis Stone Porn. Otherwise Known As His Show Reel.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. We Aussies do alright in the bloke-department, don’t we? But just remember… While they look pretty good, decorating your couch while you get ’em a beer is usually the best you can hope for. 🙂

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  2. If Mr. Aussie Tasty Morsel came to my house… When it was my turn to get dressed, I’d call the hubster to tell him Chik-Fil-A was giving away FREE chicken sandwiches, thus eliminating him from the picture. Then I would return to Mr. ATM, coat him in Ponzu Dipping Sauce (whatever that is) and have him for din-din. Yum!

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  5. Man, it’s good to know I’m not the only one who watches that show. I’m with you, though. I learn not one ounce of anything related to cooking while watching. I’m too busy mentally undressing Curtis and swooning over that accent.
    If you’re looking for another hunk on TV with a sexy accent, check out Man vs. Wild on Discovery Channel. The settings offer more danger and excitement than Curtis’ Whole Foods market, and (bonus!) the host sometimes gets undressed. Yummy!

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  8. I am not the overly empathetic type that feels embarassed for others often, but that show makes me so very uncomfortable because of all that flirting! Did you see the one where the woman’s power went out and she couldn’t open the gate to their gated community house to let the hubby in – I swear I thought she was going to do him in front of the camera men. I am also bothered by the fact that their kitchens are always beyond gorgeous and impeccably clean (I am not a slob but come on, camera crew ready?) Real Housewives of Orange County – now that’s some trashy fun tv watching!

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  9. Sweet Jeebus. Cutie Curtis….mmmmm! But really now? There is something going on and I think we need to put our heads together on this one. I somehow managed to escape adolescence without a roomful of TigerBeat posters and a list of broken Hollywood crushes. Now, as 40 is knocking at the door, I have not only a Hollywood Husband but now a Hollywood Lover, too. It’s bad with HH b/c I am not even sure I can say his name correctly — Ioan Gruffudd(give me a break, he’s Welsh). For the uninitiated, http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0344435/ The HL is Colin Firth. Real life hubby is, thankfully, quite happy with accepting sloppy seconds :o) Sigh….what’s a middle aged woman to do?

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  14. I think the real show begins after the cameras stop rolling. When Curtis and the film crew go home. When the wifey is left to explain how a hot hunk of an Aussie and her spent the whole afternoon while her husband was whoring himself away with his mistress. That’s the show I’d want to see!

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  15. I have loved this show the whole time, though it always leaves me thinking “poor men,” how is a husband/boyfriend supposed to enjoy a meal like that?

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  19. bossy, as usual, cracks me up! Yeah yeah, its a cooking show, who cares what they’re making?! He IS a naughty bit of crumpet, isn’t he? So what was the figure needed to live where one can hook up with this lean cut of beef? (I’m just curious!!!)

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  23. Curtis Stone porn indeed. Did I see him bare-ass in his apron there for a moment?

    I’d like to see him take his show to West Hollywood and give some guy shopping for his partner the same treatment. THAT would be interesting.

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  25. Sometimes I call one of the other managers (who happens to be from Australia) just to hear him talk and pretend Curtis is on the line. Because, I’ll tell ya, the guy I call? Does not look like that at all.

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  28. Oh yeah! I will be trolling the Supermarkets on my next trip home to So CA. I love the shot of him in his apron and boots…but around here you leave your boots at the door…and who really wears aprons anymore?

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  30. Having a brother who’s a Big Bad Chef, I have no interest in the show (except for maybe NOW, after having seen the host . . . hmmm). I know what it’s like cleaning up after a chef in your kitchen and it ain’t pretty. They get EVERY PAN IN YOUR KITCHEN dirty. They go through EVERY TOWEL YOU OWN (and then you have to throw them away because there’s some sort of fishy glue paste welded to them).

    I say, move the show to HIS kitchen, and give the woman lots of wine while those cranks from “What Not To Wear” give her a new facade. Have her husband watch on closed-circuit TV. You could probably combine it with a “COPS” episode by the end of the shoot, I’ll bet.

    Who needs TV writers?

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  34. That dude is gorgeous and Aussie is second only to the British accent in my Swoon Factor. Does he have a motorcycle? Cuz then I’d send the husband to Burger King for dinner.

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  36. Swoon! I first saw him on a different cooking show called “Surfing the Menu” with him and another gorgeous blond Aussie chef. Sandwich, anyone??? But my favorite epi of “Take Home Chef” is when his target asked (paraphrasing here), “And will you be talking while we cook? Yes? Then OK, let’s go.” Exactly how I would have handled it.

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  37. He’s okay…for a blonde, good-looking, charming, adorable, dimpled-smile type that…um…errrr…
    OKAY, FINE! I admit it! I have a crush on him, too! And I don’t watch his show for cooking advice, mmkay? Does anyone?

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  40. Where? Where?? Where on the West Coast??? I have never heard of him or the show, but he could cook me dinner any time.

    I may have to actually start going to the grocery store.

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  44. Ok bossy I actually DO shop in the markets he goes to. Whole Foods on 3rd street is one for all you L.A folks. I haven’t run into him yet but if I did I’d faint. He’s way too cute and by the time he was done cooking with me I’d lock my husband out of the house. What husband? Who?

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  45. “Frankly Bossy isn’t exactly sure what happens next because she’s too busy tabulating how much money it would cost her family to relocate to the West Coast so Bossy can shop in the kind of markets that offer up free Aussies.”

    Im ready to relocate on that sentence alone.

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  53. that dude is one smooth operator, isn’t he! he never seems to cozy up to the 50 year-old married lady with a gaggle of kids trailing behind. it’s always the 24 year-old babes who have a boyfriend, but could possibly by convinced to have a little bit of aussie love while the noodles boil on the stove. i can only imagine the shit-eating grin on his face as he leaves the previously happy couple to fight about how inappropriate it was for him to be “cooking” in the bedroom!

    Reply

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