Released in 1951, this classic film starring Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn was nominated for four Academy Awards and lives in perpetuity on cable. As luck would have it, the movie aired this past weekend—and although Bossy napped through missed some of the beginning, she offers the following film synopsis:
Katherine Hepburn is a something—Bossy isn’t sure but she knows religion has to do with it—and she’s living in Africa with her something. Maybe brother? And Bogart is—Bossy isn’t sure but he has a boat.
And then something happens and it has to do with the Germans because the movie takes place in WWI. Or WWII. Anyway. And so Hepburn finds herself on Bogart’s boat:
And Hepburn is very churchy at first and Bogart is all in his gin. But she proves to be a good old girl, learning how to steer and asking lots of questions while Bogart drinks himself into a stupor:
And all the while Hepburn is asking Bogart to do the impossible—she wants to sink a German boat in some waterway with homemade torpedoes, but the rapids are too fierce and the alligators too hungry and then there’s the little matter of the torpedoes which Bogart would have to build—or maybe he built them already, but. Anyway.
And one night Bogart gets drunker than hell and he tells Hepburn, “No way lady—we’re not sinking that German boat and on top of that you’re too skinny and you’re also an old maid.” He then collapses into a gin coma while Hepburn tosses all of his remaining booze overboard:
When he regains consciousness Bogart’s all sorry and stuff and keeps preparing a bunch of tea for Hepburn—and then he caves in and decides that sinking the German boat with homemade torpedoes is a perfectly swell idea. Also they share a kiss—or maybe it was more and there is also a lot of rain involved. Or maybe that was a different scene but anyway, Hepburn loosens up:
So in no time they are flying down rapids and sideswiping crocodiles on their way to the German boat. And then they sneak past a German camp—and not two minutes later they run aground and they have to climb in the water among the leeches and carry the boat through the marshes:
But in no time they’re out of the marshes and Bogart and Hepburn spy their German boat and they ready the torpedoes:
But something goes wrong and there’s a storm and Bogart and Hepburn fly overboard and the boat sinks:
The screen goes black.
But they’re not dead—Bogart is somehow on board the German boat and soon after, so is Hepburn. And Hepburn sits and tells the German crew everything—the truth about their plans to blow up the German boat:
And so Hepburn and Bogart are sentenced to death by hanging. But right there on the German boat’s deck in their nooses, Bogart and Hepburn ask the ship’s German captain to marry them, because. Aww.
Will Bogart and Hepburn be hanged hung? Will they make it off the German boat alive? Will Hepburn go on to write a book about how she went to Africa with Bogart, Bacall, And Huston and nearly lost her mind?
The end.
Greta says
February 19, 2008 at 9:09 amAaaaaah. That’s bloggy perfection to me. Also, I often craft homemade torpedoes out of tampons. Blossy, that’s soooo Martha of you.
Greta says
February 19, 2008 at 9:10 amGrrrr. That’s supposed to say “bossy”, not “blossy.” I had too much Headless Ken gin this morning.
mp says
February 19, 2008 at 9:13 amI don’t remember it that way..but I’ll take Bossy’s word for it. Are you sure that Bogart was headless? And Hepburn, what is up with that African tan? I thought she was a bit pasty??
The Domestic Goddess says
February 19, 2008 at 9:26 amWow. That’s some tan on Hepburn.
And what the heck happened to her hair?
Laura says
February 19, 2008 at 9:27 amMaybe they should have used maxi pads w/wings-that would sink those German boats in no time!!
I totally lost it when I read this-especially the tampon torpedos! How do you come up w/these things Bossy?! You are a nut! I cannot imagine what your neighbors think when you are outside taking these crazy pictures?!! I love it…………
Strizz says
February 19, 2008 at 9:52 amI watched part of that on Friday, when I had a break from work, while getting changed to go to the pool. All I know is there were bugs and leaches and Nazis. The end.
Jenn @ Juggling Life says
February 19, 2008 at 9:55 amThis is way better than the SparksNotes.
Sarah is Ok says
February 19, 2008 at 10:01 amI’ve been sick and just catching up on blog reading. This is the first thing I read, or I think it is. I agree with Greta, bloggy perfection. You’re crazy funny.
Caroline says
February 19, 2008 at 10:09 amAm dying. It’s FIVE O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING HERE and I am about to WAKE THE NEIGHBORS because I am laughing so hard.
What a way to start the day! MANY MAHALOS!
JennyM says
February 19, 2008 at 10:10 amI’ve got to watch that again. I’d have watched it before now if I’d remembered Bogart was headless in this one. Some of his finest work.
blue girl says
February 19, 2008 at 10:12 amBut right there on the German boat’s deck in their nooses, Bogart and Hepburn ask the ship’s German captain to marry them. Because. Aww.
lol.
….I’ve never even seen *any* of it! You’re way ahead of me.
kacey says
February 19, 2008 at 10:14 amLOL, you make me want to go find my Barbie dolls!!!
Maria R says
February 19, 2008 at 10:14 amThis is the first time in my LIFE I have ever understood this movie. I think it was how you portrayed the “great human struggle”. I also think it had to do with the way you portrayed the Nazi’s. They looked so happy to see Bogart and Hepburn. So happy to hang them. And then it all just kinda fell together for me. Thank you for sharing your knowledge of Great Movies with us. I feel more culturally aware.
Sister Honey Bunch says
February 19, 2008 at 10:15 amWell. Will they????
Momo Fali says
February 19, 2008 at 10:18 amThat movie is SO believable, well…except for the part where he kisses her after she throws his gin overboard, because THAT would never happen.
Claire Annette says
February 19, 2008 at 10:20 amThis is hysterical! A great way to start the morning.
Evolving says
February 19, 2008 at 10:26 amOMG. I am in the school library and so that means I am forced to do the “silent laugh”. You know, the one that sounds like Snidley Whiplashes (or maybe it’s his dog…). I hope that if I am ever captured by Nazis that they will hang me with black licorice nooses. But I’ll never tell them where my tampon torpedos are hidden! NEVER!
College Mama says
February 19, 2008 at 10:29 amThanks for the Cliff Notes!
srah says
February 19, 2008 at 10:30 amI’ve seen that movie several times and I didn’t remember the capture/hanging/marriage at the end! I actually had to look it up at Wikipedia to see if you made that part up.
RuthWells says
February 19, 2008 at 10:32 amKen’s neckerchief is perfect. And you’ve now ruined the movie for me……
saucygrrl says
February 19, 2008 at 10:34 amI had No Idea that Bogart wore plumber pants in some of those scenes. It all makes so much sense now!
Rosie says
February 19, 2008 at 10:34 amWait… so they got hanged? Hung? Strung up by their necks until death?
The Mom Bomb says
February 19, 2008 at 10:35 amYour interpretation breathes new life into a time-worn classic. I can’t wait for your take on Casablanca.
I do hope Ken wasn’t the victim of some hideous Barbie terrorist incident.
Emily R says
February 19, 2008 at 10:37 amI’m putting that movie in my queue. It sounds fabulous and it’s a classic and I’ve never seen it. And since it was made in 1951 it was just a kiss. People didn’t start doing the S until the 60s.
All Adither says
February 19, 2008 at 10:41 amI SO needed this tutorial today. Thank you.
Karen says
February 19, 2008 at 10:41 amBossy, your talent is overwhelming.
Moi says
February 19, 2008 at 10:42 amThe torpedoes … dear Bob, the torpedoes.
Alice says
February 19, 2008 at 10:43 ami’ve never seen the movie, but it seems like it would be awfully confusing.
although getting married in nooses certainly gives a new meaning to the “till death” part of the vows, eh?
super des says
February 19, 2008 at 10:47 amI remember that one… Bogart had no head. Some say it was his finest role.
Manic Mommy says
February 19, 2008 at 10:49 amI love how Ken (I mean Bogie) only gets a head for the noose part.
Also? The Nazis look like they’re auditioning for Babe Watch.
(I too picture you in your backyard blocking these scenes)
Redneck Mommy says
February 19, 2008 at 10:50 amI’m going to have nightmares for a week about headless dolls now.
Thanks Bossy. My therapist will love you.
Noelle says
February 19, 2008 at 10:53 amI was going to watch this movie soon, but I don’t think it’s ever going to be as good as this.
sue says
February 19, 2008 at 10:56 amOh thanks Bossy. I will never be able to watch African Queen again without thinking of Tampon Torpedoes. I hope Katherine Hepburn comes back to haunt you.
RM says
February 19, 2008 at 11:09 amI grew up watching movies from the 30s-40s-50s with my mom, so I’ve seen this (probably more than a few times), but this synopsis was hilarious! Great job! And yes, she was nearly THAT tan.
marathonmom says
February 19, 2008 at 11:10 amThis is kind of like the WW2 version of Team America World Police. Hmm?
notjustbarbra says
February 19, 2008 at 11:11 amThat was inspired. I am in awe. I bow to the bloggy queen.
dlyn says
February 19, 2008 at 11:19 amNow I know why I am hanging on to that box of tampons under my sink.
Moxie says
February 19, 2008 at 11:19 amBogart with buttcrack. LMAO.
It’s a little known fact that Hepburn was a Namibian princess, as accurately depicted by bossy. They didnt call it the African Queen for nothin’.
Not the Queen says
February 19, 2008 at 11:22 amMaybe if everyone use tampons as torpedoes, the world would be a more peaceful place.
I don’t remember Bogart showing crack in the original film. I guess I’ll have to watch it again…
Melissa says
February 19, 2008 at 11:29 amOMG. Delurking to say, I think I hurt myself trying to hold in the laughter so I don’t frighten the coworkers. And @Maria R – “the great human struggle” – I’m dying over here. You are wonderful and your readers are too.
Madmad says
February 19, 2008 at 11:30 amHey, how come your Barbies still have clothes? And hair? Mine are all one-armed bald nekkid people whose shoes have long ago been Hoovered up.
meleah rebeccah says
February 19, 2008 at 11:35 amthis post was better than the actual movie….by far! 🙂
joeinvegas says
February 19, 2008 at 11:35 amThough I love these posts, I can’t stop thinking that Bossy has wwwaaaayyyyyy too much time on her hands. Perhaps it is time for another little kid to join the household and take away all of those free hours?
Hotdog says
February 19, 2008 at 11:51 amThe homemade torpedo’s looked very scary!!
Tootsie Farklepants says
February 19, 2008 at 11:54 amYou never hear in the public service announcements that alcoholism makes your head fall off. Bossy is all about the facts.
Avitable says
February 19, 2008 at 11:54 amPhew. Now I don’t have to watch the movie.
Allison says
February 19, 2008 at 11:55 amTampons = torpedoes, brilliant! My first comment here, but I’ve been loving me some Bossy for quite a while!
marn says
February 19, 2008 at 11:56 amAwesome job, BOSSY! I happened to catch this from the beginning for the first time over the weekend…and for the first time actually wondered what actually happened under that tarp in the rain…they were awfully cuddly after that…
Michael says
February 19, 2008 at 12:12 pmI have a few questions that I just sort of wonder about. I haven’t seen this movie in a long time so maybe i am misremembering some things, please help me out. I that Katherine Hepburn was white in the movie, but clearly she was black, I find this strange but also a bold move in the day and age the movie was made.
I also remember clearly Bogart having a head, maybe I am crazy as he clearly has no head.
The African Queen was a greyish/brown river boat, but it looks like a pink Corvette.
I don’t remember Germans at all, or tampons, I mean torpedoes. This is all very strange.
Still one of my favorite posts ever. If I may be so bold I gave you a small award.
Thank you for being so incredibly gifted in your weirdness.
Junebug says
February 19, 2008 at 12:13 pmWhat a sweet story…
Janet says
February 19, 2008 at 12:16 pmIf only I was reading your blog when I had to write essays in high school, um, two decades ago. Although I might have lost marks for describing Bogart as a headless dude with kickin’ abs.
MamaMo says
February 19, 2008 at 12:22 pmGlad I’m not the only one with headless Ken dolls still around.
I think Bossy may have found a lucrative niche market to exploit with her mad skillz – watch out Cliff notes, here comes Bossy with her multimedia overviews – the college kids are gonna soak this stuff up.
Have The T-Shirt says
February 19, 2008 at 12:28 pmI remember watching this movie as a child and being totally wigged out by the leeches.
I still shudder when someone just says that word.
Oh, The Joys says
February 19, 2008 at 12:39 pmThey DIED?! That is not so hollywood.
Love the tampons!
Grandma J says
February 19, 2008 at 12:41 pmI just saw this on NickJr. It’s Dora the Explorer and Diego…
The scariest episode ever…
LB says
February 19, 2008 at 12:44 pmLove it!
Looking forward to reading more of your “tutorials.”
Meredith says
February 19, 2008 at 12:47 pmThat is an EXCELLENT tutorial. Thank you Bossy!
If you take requests I’d love to see a tutorial on Cary Grant movies or Gone with the Wind.
soNOTcool says
February 19, 2008 at 12:55 pmJust the other day, I was trying to explain the essence of Katherine Hepburn to X.
This tutorial should help.
Prof. J. says
February 19, 2008 at 1:20 pmI thought Bogart had a head, too. Those tampon torpedoes are da bomb. (sorry)
Prof. J. says
February 19, 2008 at 1:20 pmI thought Bogart had a head, too. Those tampon torpedoes are da bomb. (sorry)
Foolery says
February 19, 2008 at 1:30 pmBRILLIANCE! Before cocktail hour, no less.
There go my armless Mod Hair Ken diorama plans.
SNAP! Just figured out where they were hiding the torpedos. What a trouper Katherine was.
pkzcass says
February 19, 2008 at 2:08 pmBossy gets finer each day.
Did they hang headless Bogie, or did he just slink out of the black licorice and into the water?
KL says
February 19, 2008 at 2:09 pmA true cinematic achievement. I hope you didn’t go over budget on this production.
Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants says
February 19, 2008 at 2:18 pmThe crowd goes wild…..
Clapping, throwing flowers & ummm, sanitary products.
Brilliant, as usual.
Bossy, Darlin’- You are the queen!
Leaf, probably... says
February 19, 2008 at 2:22 pmWhat the hell? Are you serious? And is that really a movie?
Lawyer Mama says
February 19, 2008 at 2:27 pmOf course the torpedoes should be tampons.
Chicky says
February 19, 2008 at 2:28 pmFer chrissake, does your daughter know what you do with her toys while she’s at school?
Heather says
February 19, 2008 at 2:48 pmThey sure don’t make movies like they used to.
Amy says
February 19, 2008 at 3:08 pmWhat’s up with Bogart anyway? Those teeth. I don’t get his appeal. Not for sex appeal at least.
I watched this too this weekend. Personally I loved the special affect of the swarm of bugs! You missed that in your excellent synopsis. Interesting how neither of them had bug bites after the bugs were gone…
Love old movies!
Mrs. G. says
February 19, 2008 at 3:29 pmSay what you will, but I thought this was better than the original.
sher says
February 19, 2008 at 3:31 pmso? what the hell happened at the end? I NEED TO KNOW, DAMMIT, AND I JUST CAN’T GO OUT AND RENT THE DAMN PICTURE!
don’t tease me this way.
sher says
February 19, 2008 at 3:32 pmincidentally, did you ever see the movie “The Karen Carpenter Story”? it has been yanked out of the marketplace for legal reasons, but i saw it before that happened. a movie starring barbie dolls. and it was actually very good.
Heather B. says
February 19, 2008 at 3:39 pmI’m about to right a movie review with a synopsis that will in no way, compare to yours. That is unless I fetch out my cabbage patch dolls, then it is on.
Miss Britt says
February 19, 2008 at 3:50 pmOh my dear God woman.
This was freaking BRILLIANT!!
andrea says
February 19, 2008 at 3:50 pmI’m pretty sure the pink corvette was in the movie too. The transformation from Amish housewife to Mod slut is breathtaking. You make the classics beautiful.
Barb says
February 19, 2008 at 3:57 pmHow did they hang Ken without a head? He’d slide right outta that noose?
boots586 says
February 19, 2008 at 3:58 pmI remember that movie from when it first came out. i loved it. Oddly, though, I don’t remember it being a comedy….
Kelley says
February 19, 2008 at 4:34 pmThose torpedoes are tampons? You have got some big arsed tampons over there y’all.
Bossy is mad. I love mad. Thanks for a little more madness in my morning.
TamiW says
February 19, 2008 at 5:10 pmBravo! Bravo! Please tell me there is more Headless Barbie Theater where that came from!!
Dawn says
February 19, 2008 at 5:21 pmBOSSY is brilliant.
Mr Farty says
February 19, 2008 at 5:48 pmBlown out of the water by Tampons?
That ‘splains the lack of blood.
Anna says
February 19, 2008 at 6:13 pmI saw that movie when I was a kid, but all I remember about it is that I really liked it, and the scene with the leeches made my skin crawl.
Sheryl says
February 19, 2008 at 6:16 pmhas it come to this ?
Mama DB says
February 19, 2008 at 6:31 pmAww, touching. I’ve never seen the movie but your version of it is so action-packed and enticing I must Netflix it right now!
Oh, and I found my 21-month-old son with one of your torps in his mouth while we were in Target. He had gotten my purse open and found one that had come open. Had the string dangling from his teeth and it was only because I heard the woman at the end of the aisle cackling that I realized. Those things are good for hours of fun.
Denise says
February 19, 2008 at 6:55 pmIf Katherine Hepburn nearly lost her mind, shouldn’t she be the one without the head? Just wondering.
Jacki says
February 19, 2008 at 7:45 pmWhere do you come up with these ideas? Genius!
Barbara says
February 19, 2008 at 8:03 pmOoh! Can you do “High School Musical” next? Or, no – “Casablanca!” Either/or. They’re interchangeable.
Cathy says
February 19, 2008 at 8:53 pmLove it! Love the torpedoes!
Tracey says
February 19, 2008 at 9:13 pmI like the Maxi pad idea. Tampon torpedoes and Maxipad lifeboats. Or something like that.
Bossy's reader Shania says
February 19, 2008 at 9:29 pmHuzzah to Bossy, brilliant! Apropos of nothing, I have a Cav. King Charles Spaniel named Katharine Hepburn.
CJ says
February 19, 2008 at 10:38 pmHow nice of the German captain to provide stylish formal wedding attire for Bogart and Hepburn. Where did he find that in the middle of Africa? And how come one of the female crew has nothing but panties to wear?
Excellent summary, Bossy! I agree this was much better than the actual movie.
Heather says
February 19, 2008 at 10:49 pmOMG! How do you keep this up? You rock! The torpedoes! OMG!
flutter says
February 19, 2008 at 10:54 pmyou’re kind of wrong, you know? It’s entertaining as hell.
Mayberry Magpie says
February 19, 2008 at 11:05 pmBossy, I still have my Malibu Barbie from 1973 who flew a little too fast down Main Street Mayberry in her Malibu van, was thrown from the wreckage, and lost half her left breast as a result of the tragic accident. (BTW, Ken left her not long thereafter.)
Anyhoo, all of that is to say Mastectomy Malibu Barbie is available for your next film.
Mayberry Magpie
kate says
February 19, 2008 at 11:16 pmoh, now i guess i have to watch the whole movie to find out if bogart gets his head back. that’s a nice wedding dress, where’d the topless germans come up with that thing?
Raz says
February 20, 2008 at 4:46 amMy paternal grandfather was an electrician and he did the lighting on that film.
🙂
dgm says
February 20, 2008 at 8:38 amYour colorized version involves much more nudity than I remember. And that second picture? I wasn’t sure whether that was a torpedo in Bogart’s pocket or he was just happy to see Hepburn.
mr.lootiatto says
February 20, 2008 at 8:47 amBOSSY BOSSY BOSSY…can we talk film festival now that it is Oscar season?
Brilliant…
David says
February 20, 2008 at 3:06 pmWhat’s a diarama!
darla says
February 20, 2008 at 5:03 pmAfter the screen went black, Hepburn and Bogart are aboard the German boat, right? When did Bogart become a tv repairman? I noticed his “repairman” uniform fitting just right.
erin says
February 20, 2008 at 8:32 pmDoes Bossy’s daughter know that Bossy decapitated her Ken doll?
thesciencegirl says
February 21, 2008 at 12:07 pmThis is my first visit to your blog, and this is the the most entertaining movie review I’ve ever read. fantastic. This reminds me of the time my sister and I applied for the amazing race, and we used barbie dolls as body doubles (ha ha) when we filmed our action sequences. You might like this youtube video that recreates Dirty Dancing with barbie dolls: http://youtube.com/watch?v=we92oWxmVlA
stella says
February 21, 2008 at 4:24 pmspeechless.
Lulu says
February 23, 2008 at 12:55 amBossy – on your blogging tour, you must head on down to Key Largo. The African Queen boat is on display there. Def take the headless Bogart. And a bottle of gin.
Kimberley Taylor says
February 24, 2008 at 9:20 pmYou’d think with Bogart, Hepburn and four Academy Awards, that Netflix would have it available on video….
girlplease says
February 26, 2008 at 10:01 amAhhhahaha headless Ken reminds me of ‘amputee’ Ken back home. My dog chewed the leg off below the knee so all Ken was good for was staging accidents on how it happened.
Ken got ran over by the Barbie Corvette (That will teach him to cheat!)
Ken got crushed by the Barbie apt. elevator. (That will teach him to cheat!)
And before there as Steve Irwin, Ken got mauled by a huge wolf (that will teach him to cheat!)