Released in 1939, this Western classic launched the career of a certain John Wayne. It won two Academy Awards and was nominated for seven. On a recent afternoon Bossy watched this entire movie from the beginning beginning-ish, and she offers the following film synopsis:
In a spit-dust intersection of a Western town, a stagecoach prepares to leave for somewhere. A few townsfolk want to go to this somewhere—and a couple of others don’t want to go but they’re being chased out of town anyway. And so a preacher, an alcoholic doctor, a fancy lady, a gentleman, and a prostitute all climb aboard the stagecoach pulled by a team of horses:
The fancy lady hates the prostitute, and the gentleman is in love with the fancy lady who is traveling to find her missing army husband. The preacher is a preacher, and the alcoholic doctor drinks booze and then kderozzzzz. Soon they meet up with John Wayne, who is a prisoner:
At least Bossy thinks he’s a prisoner but anyway, the stagecoach agrees to transport him to his prison. Or his something. And off they go until a cavalry warns them about the Apache Indians ahead. The stagecoach pulls into a town where everyone eats dinner and votes on whether they should turn back or continue on their journey without an army escort:
So the next day the stagecoach moves uneventfully forward until their pit stop that evening, when suddenly the fancy lady collapses in a heap around the ankles of the others:
Everyone turns to the alcoholic doctor. He must save her!
The preacher and the gentleman pour black coffee down the alcoholic doctor’s throat so he’ll be sober enough to rid the fancy lady of her ailment. And this was the fancy lady’s ailment:
The alcoholic doctor develops a new confidence. Meanwhile the prostitute is very nurturing and now the fancy lady begins to sort of like her. So the fancy lady lets the prostitute hold her baby and take care of it while she recovers. And when John Wayne sees the prostitute tenderly holding the baby he falls
in love with her:
And the prostitute is in love with John Wayne, but there’s no time to worry about that now. Because now everyone has to make another decision and here it is: Do they want to stay put while the fancy lady recovers even though the Apaches will find them, or do they want to continue ahead even though the Apaches will find them?
They choose to move forward, except now they are all working together. And lucky thing because soon they encounter a swollen river and they have to tie logs to the side of the stagecoach so it will float like a raft:
After crossing the river everything is fine. That is, until in the distance they see the approaching Apaches:
Then suddenly, the preacher is shot!
Thankfully, just in time the cavalry catches up to the stagecoach and now the Apache Indians are dying right left and center:
And so the stagecoach people totally win. Also? There may have been more townsfolk traveling in the stagecoach. But Bossy only has so many character actors Barbies. No matter—they arrive at their final destination, where John Wayne and the prostitute declare their love for each other in a saloon:
Or maybe they didn’t declare their love for each other, but there was definitely a Player Piano. And just when it looked like a happy ending, someone challenges John Wayne to a duel, and that someone is John Wayne’s mortal enemy. Or maybe it was some other person. Anyway. As John Wayne prepares for the showdown, the prostitute bids her teary goodbye. Is John Wayne killed? Or will he survive to make thirty-seven years of Westerns?
Yay, headless actor Ken is back!
But is it supposed to be the fancy lady or the prostitute at the end?
Or am I taking this all too seriously?
John Wayne looks suspiciously like Humphrey Bogart from the Academy Award winning “It’s a Very BOSSY African Queen”. Judging by the last 2 photos, I would say that John Wayne doesn’t know his prostitutes from his fancy ladies.
i am soooooo confused and confounded. me head hurts. i think it may just pop off like ken-doll’s did…..
You’re right! It’s supposed to be the Prostitute! Bossy will get out the Barbies and her camera and be right back!
OOOooo, this is so exciting!
Isn’t there something Bossy is supposed to be preparing for? hmmm… or is Bossy simply doing some field research on the hazards of cross country road trips?!
you are the funniest woman and the most creative.
See, now my husband would seriously love that movie (I’m sure he’s seen it). I much prefer the Barbie version.
Can Bossy do all the old classics with Barbies so that I don’t have to watch them? How about Doctor Zhivago next? I’ve never seen it, but all these people keep telling me I really should, which makes me want to less and less.
Help!
I love Bossy’s movie summaries!! Particularly the creative use of tampons and headless dolls in them. 🙂 Keep it up Bossy!
Love Bossy tutorials and clever use of Tpons.
I had an ailment once. It was twins.
Uhmmm….. Bossy? Don’t you have some preparation to do for the big excellent road trip??? You have lots of time on your hands if you can come up with such good stuff even under an impending deadline!
I second the request for further classics to be done by Bossy and her character actors!
I admire your ability to work tampons into each and every plot. Your film reviews will certainly suffer after menopause.
I have so many questions.
Why were the African torpedos used to float the stagecoach — wouldn’t that be dangerous?
And why, in that last clip, is Tony Curtis riding Stella?
I can see I’ll have to rent this again. And not drink so much absinthe this time.
Wasn’t this an episode on “LOST”?
I love how you can squeeze so many “townfolk” into that Barbie Corvette. Also, I couldn’t help but notice that the Gentleman’s (girl)bum was bare . Maybe the casting director should have made that flaming redhead, bare bum barbie the prostitute. AND, are you sure Apaches rode dogs?
I have to say I love these movie “trailors”.
Well, he deserves to be shot because of that shirt he’s wearing.
Also, I think I’m going to start referring to my kids as “ailments”. Seems fitting.
Can’t type. Laughing too hjard.
Thanks for clearing that all up. John Wayne is looking a little like he’s lost his head lately.
I just love Bossy’s movie adaptations!
Oh no!! Don’t make me watch a John Wayne movie to find out the ending!!! I need the ending!!!!! Ahhhhh!!!!
I think those logs would be a little too absorbent to be helpful. At least it says so on the package.
*Love* the prostitute’s dress! Do you think they make that just a *touch* bigger?
And – where the preacher is shot? Looks a little too much like when JFK was shot – sorry to be maudlin, but it hurt.
Well, do they live happily ever after or does she charge for it every time?
Wow! Bossy’s “logs” going across the swollen river are just priceless. I do think super, super absorbent would have been a better choice though, no?
You make me smile.
I don’t think I’ve seen the movie, but now I have all I need to know.
More importantly, I been wondering what I should do with my eight year old’s abandoned Barbie. Now I know.
We need to ship them to Bossy. She needs more character actors, people. I know I have several swan lake, tutti frutti, birthday barbies. I even have a TOP MODEL Barbie and several my little ponies to add toy your stable–I know you want them.
But you’ll have to come to Seattle to get ’em.
Good idea, Scout’s Honor. Maybe someone has a Barbie motorhome…that corvette isn’t big enough for the cast. I mean what happens when Bossy tries to do The Ten Commandments? Like all those people AND Moses won’t fit in the corvette.
That was the best thing ever.
Brilliant, as usual, Queen Bossy!
Does john wayne get to go on an excellent road trip? YOu should really bring him.
My money’s on John Wayne making it!
I cannot wait to watch Stagecoach now. Thank you.
Yet another instance of bloggy perfection.
I dig that the prostitute and the baby kind of match.
Wait, wait, wait! I’m confused(not a un-normal thing for me), last time it was Bogie with no head, now you tell me John Wayne had no head? But still wore a neckerchief? Also, if they were so worried about the Apaches, why didn’t they use the torpedos? I’m sensing major plot holes in this one and I don’t like it! Also, how big is this stagecoach? There are 49 people in it, it’s like a greyhound bus pulled by horse/s. And why was the fancy lady pregnant? She didn’t even like prostitutes!
On a totally unrelated side note, that was awesome. Can you do Citizen Kane next?
I’ve seen these movies..but after Bossy’s version I have to go to Wikipedia to see how they really ended 🙂
I LOVE the actors. Thanks for not getting us too attached to the preacher since she was wacked!
Just curious if the Preacher Barbie was once a MaryKate or Ashley Barbie- if so maybe you could do one of their old movies- there are only like, 36,000 of them to choose from.
Also, since Easter is right around the corner, I think headless Ken should play Charlton Heston in the Ten Commandment and then you could use Peep Bunnies for all the Israelites.
I thought tampons were supposed to be super absorbent, in which case the stagecoach should have sunk. Leave it to me to point out the production bloopers.
I love the re-enactments. I especially like the creative use of tampons. Do you choose the film based on the tampon-prop potential?
I was disappointed to see that the floating caravan was not on Ricky Lake. Because of this, you are so not going to win the Oscar this year.
I LOVE BARBIE THEATRE!!
ENCORE! ENCORE!
When Bossy gets to Orange County CA she should get her picture taken next to the humongus statue of John Wayne at…are you ready? John Wayne Airport. Bring the fancy lady with you.
oh for the love bossy, please tell me someone is paying you REALLY GOOD MONEY for this plastic doll directing debut.
with all the beach attire, I was afraid the alcoholic doctor was being played by Jimmy Buffett!
You can do anything with a tampon! Who knew!
I wish you were my neighbor. I can only imagine what yours are thinking.
I think the Xmas reindeer should at least get an Oscar nomination for his portrayal of the team of horses. I TOTALLY believed it!
I’d like to request Gone with the Wind next. The tampons could play Ashley Wilkes.
I wish I lived next door to you – looks ike you are far more entertaining than the cows I live next door to now. I could say “Big Lar! Come look-n-see! That Bossy woman next door is crawling around her yard with a buncha dolls and her camera again. In orange slippers!”
I hate it when John loses his poor head.
Perchance BOSSY has just maybe a little too much time on her hands? Maybe?
WOW! How about a musical??????? Singing in the Rain…..Oklahoma..it’s a three hour epic -something for the teenage crowd ….High School Musical or while on your road trip – something non-musical…Thelma & Louise??? Just a thought! caren
Your versions are way better than the movies. You should make theminto some time of short film, like the Cliff Note version.
The headless doll always gets the best roles.
You crack me up.
Hey, my husband loves John Wayne, I wonder if he would like Bossy’s version?
Hate to spoil it, but it was Bobby Ewing who shot John Wayne, AND JR. the prostitute freaks out over all the fussin and fightin, and realizes her real love is the tortured new mother Fancy lady. They ride off in the sunset, with a few of the calvary men. Purely for show..
Hate to spoil it, but it was Bobby Ewing who shot John Wayne, AND JR. the prostitute freaks out over all the fussin and fightin, and realizes her real love is the tortured new mother Fancy lady. They ride off in the sunset, with a few of the calvary men. Purely for show..
I’ve only been lurking here for a couple of weeks and already I have come to enjoy the movie reenactments. Not only are they are quicker than actually watching the movie, but I can enjoy them at my desk at work with minimal disruption (I always burst out laughing like that anyway). Thank you!!
That is awesome. All of it: headless Ken, the pink stagecoach, the “logs” to keep it afloat…
whooo hoooo, the asian girls for love and marriage are back. I’ll take 2 please
funny post!! I saw the beginning of Wayne’s hellfighters this weekend and then got dragged to a party – I seriously considered staying home and watching the movie –
How about Dirty Dancing with headless Ken saying “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”. Or Grease with music and singing and dancing Barbies? If you had the camper, it could be the dressing room trailer that all the stars have.
funny post!! I saw the beginning of Wayne’s hellfighters this weekend and then got dragged to a party – I seriously considered staying home and watching the movie –
I hope you are taking these Barbies on the road with you. It would be fun to see them at each rest stop.
Wow. I’ve always wanted to see “Stagecoach,” but now I don’t have to! Once again, a very awesome “re-telling” of a classic film.
And what is it, btw, with all of these alcoholic doctors in westerns? Isn’t the doctor on Gunsmoke(known as, get this, Doc)an alcoholic?
Omigosh this made me cry with laughter! I even scared the dog! Lol!
OMG you have alot of TIME on your hands!
Bossy, I just had a horrifying thought!! Will you be able to do stuff like this from your road-trip!! You are packing the Barbies, right?
I have never seen Stagecoach. Had no idea at all there were so many Barbies in it. Hm. Maybe I’d like it.
Oh my God. Do you think I could get a job doing this? Like, for money? Because that had to take a ton of time…but my, does it look like it was fun. And I am laughing myself silly right now.
I want some of Bossy’s drinking water.
NOW.
Wow, this was just like being there in the theater.
It looks like John Wayne would like a little, er, never mind. You’ve probably gotten that joke 1,000,000 times. Plus, I don’t want to wreck the PG-13 rating.
You’ve topped even yourself this time Bossy…this is one of your best yet!
It’s hilarious…
Should you not be planning a trip instead of playing with Barbies??? (What is the secret meaning behind the alcoholic doctor and john wayne holding hands on the hood of the car?? is that a subliminal thought about your stay in Richmond??? tee hee) We could play dolls here too… ummm NOT! heheheh
I’ve never seen it, and now I don’t have to! Thanks, B.
BTW, if you’re taking requests, I’d love to see your versions of 80s flicks Red Dawn and Some Kind of Wonderful.
oh my gah, i had that same exact horse when i was 40… i LOVE that horse.
I would let the alcoholic doctor save me. Um, if he wasn’t plastic.
Although some of the conversations I’ve had with skin and bones men lately? maybe plastic is better.
this is action research, right? Right?
You’ll need to know this for the road trip, right? Right?
That baby has good hair.
Holy crap. You’re hilarious. Encore, encore indeed! One of my favorite movies is Quills–crazies, poop on the wall, tongue-less writer. You can do that one, right?
I feel kind of like I’m headed in the right direction since I also have an image of the orange t-pons today.
I was so worried and then saw that they DID have tampons to combat the swollen river…whew, that was a close one.
Tip for next tamponpropped film: There Will be Blood.
(Sorry, it’s a bit gross)
(But I do really LOVE Bossy)
I occasionally look out my window and was wondering if your neighbors could see you outside? If they know you well…no problem, but if not? Bossy..be careful..LOL
They’re coming to take you away..hehe haha hoho!
I adored this post!
May I just say: You are a fucking genius and I love you.
I CANNOT wait until it’s Marlon Brando without a head! That will definately be worth the price of admission!
Need to stock up on popcorn!
Oh, and everyone get ready to send Bossy all the discarded Polly Pockets to use when she does her adaptation of “The Wizard of Oz.” They will be perfect for the Munchkins.
what a hoot! laughing ass off here.
Great movie. Life would have been so much easier for them if they had those tampoon floats rather than the logs 🙂
The prostitute’s hair is a Barbie dream!
Thanks for the story. How about doing Jaws?
Tampons float?
That was hilarious and makes me want to watch the movie for some reason!
A casting suggestion if you decide to follow SayWhat’s advice: you could get a beach ball to play headless Marlon Brando (The Later Years).
“Meanwhile the prostitute is very nurturing and now the fancy lady begins to sort of like her.”
No kidding. After having a baby I was ready to let the hospital janitor hold my kid so I could get a few minutes of rest.
“And the prostitute is in love with John Wayne, but there’s no time to worry about that now…”
Nope — They’re too busy trying to figure out how to keep Sheriff Eliot Spitzer from breaking up the StageCoach Club! 🙂
OK, movie requests:
Pulp Fiction
Showgirls
My Fair Lady
Gone With The Wind (good idea!)
300
Lord of the Rings (any of them. Kelly dolls can be hobbits.)
Bossy, you are a super genius/ mad scientist type and I want to live next door to you so we can play!
This should run on American Movie Classics.
I have some Kelly dolls if you need more hobbits.
LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR LOTR
AND THEN? WE CAN PUT A SOUNDTRACK ON IT/
and upload it to YouTube?
And if you follow Jami’s idea about the beach ball for Brando in the later years, the beachball could also be used as Jabba the Hutt for the Star Wars saga.
Can Polly Pockets double as Hobbits?
I am beginning to think we are all disturbed and are getting ready to ride “The Good Ship Lollipop” off into the sunset together. With a full cast of Barbies, Kens, Kellys, Pollys, a few GI Joes (for the Rambo movies) and a my Pretty Pony or two for giggles.
Oh and I forgot, our voyage on “The Good Ship Lollipop” would be sponsored by Tampax and Always: With WINGS! (then we would have aircraft)
That was an awesome post to read as an introduction to your blog. Thanks for adding just a little bit more craziness to my life.
Loved the player piano. And headless John Wayne. And “There Will be Blood” comment. And all of it.
Most of the time when I read blogs, my face is like a stone. There is nothing. Just stone, stone and more stone. But today, at the very end of this blog, my face started laughing. And then I started laughing – with my face. It kind of took me by surprise. But that post was so ludicrous, that I couldn’t help it.
I think Bossy should contact PBS about this fabulous movie.
This was great! Thanks for sharing your research on how not to travel across country. The Saturn will be so much more comfortable than a stagecoach.
I also was wondering what your neighbors think of Barbie theater. Do they come over with popcorn and drinks to watch the filming?
ROFL, what a great review. Hey, did you notice in the saloon pic, the “prostitutes” knees are kinda skinned up? lol
I *heart* the alcoholic doctor.
1. Before I forget, some Australian dude has written a musical of The African Queen – it was showing in Perth as part of its annual cultural festival recently. I heard an interview with the guy who wrote the libretto literally days after your post. You are so cultural ‘n that.
2. I want to do this for the movie Transformers, which I adore and is enough proof as to why I have had four children that are all boys. But it would PALE in comparison – can you do one for me? I am having impure thoughts about autobots.
That. Was. Hilarious.
Please—-more!
I laughed so damn hard at this – I just had to comment. You’re awesome.
I laughed so damn hard at this – I just had to comment. You’re awesome.
The only thing funnier than your Stagecoach tutorial would be a blog documenting its production. Full color photos of you outside posing barbies, pink corvettes and tampons. Could that be a sidebar feature for future tutorials, perhaps?
Oh my gosh. You just discovered the inspiration for the ill-fated show, Firefly, may she rest in peace. That is crazy. And you have problems. Possibly problems at home.
Just kidding. My best friend and I used to always say that to each other and I needed an excuse to say it and this seemed the perfect excuse.
So if you weren’t a Firefly fan before, now you will be forced to see it. It had the rough tough (space)cowboy who had a big bad crush on the prostitute who lived on board his vessel. Oh dear… that sounded worse than it was supposed to I think. Shutting up.
Oh my gosh. I just reread your whole post (sorry, I commented before without reading the whole thing) and now I realize how very uncreative the producers of Firefly were. They stole everything. Am I right in assuming the apaches were going to scalp the stagecoach people? Scalpers are in Firefly… they just have a different name. The preacher on Firefly is shot (sorry for the spoiler) and we didn’t know much about him either… lots of secrets. In the final episode the captain is challenged to a duel and (spoiler alert) he wins.
I wonder if John Wayne knows his story has been stolen!
Please continue doing these tutorials with old movies… especially when the characters need tampons to cross the river… couldn’t stop laughing.
I wouldn’t expect something as absorbent as a tampon to actually help ease the passage across the swollen river… LOL (okay, yes, I’m back today to see if anyone else noticed the crazy similarity to Firefly.) :^D
You’ve got PC barbies…very good;)
When I was a kid, we saw the remake at the drive-in. John Wayne was in that one too. So was Ann-Margaret. She was the prostitute. She was much prettier than the fancy lady, and had cuter clothes and all the boys liked her and…I always wanted to be the prostitute when the neighborhood kids played stagecoach.
Hi-larious. I wanna come over and play Barbies.
Will Netflix be offering Bossy’s remake of “Stagecoach” for rental?
I especially enjoy the bird’s eye view of carnage left after the cavalry had arrived … every good western must contain some gratuitous mayhem.
Oh my, but I’m wondering if Mz. Prostitute is the real mother of the teeny new baby, and The Duke is the biological father that pretends he hasn’t yet had s.e.x. (The plot thickens with the Amy Winehouse visible carpet burns on Prossy’s shins).
Please, please, Bossy, let there be a sequel to release the tension and reveal the mysteries of this Barbie’s-Classic Western.
I give 2 thumbs up!! ((and I’d play dolls with you any day!))