This is Bossy’s mom’s house, and last night the family was invited over for a special Mother’s Day dinner, and what made this Mother’s Day dinner special was the fact that the meal was catered entirely by Bossy’s brother and Bossy’s husband:
The two men planned and shopped and schlepped and chopped and cooked and assembled:
But what Bossy failed to realize about dinner cooked entirely by two men, was how much free time Bossy would have available to sit around and chat with her mom and sister-in-law. And drink wine. Lots of red wine.
After a melon and prosciutto appetizer, the family sat down to their meal: spaghetti with meatballs and sausage, and a mixed green salad with blue cheese and apples:
And for the next hour Bossy ate like the thirteenth starving child in a family of fourteen. And she drank wine like the thirteenth starving child in a family of fourteen—assuming starving children from large families drink wine.
And then Bossy scarfed a bowl of bread pudding and a dish of chocolate ice cream and more wine, wine! And why won’t the wine come out of the bottle when it’s empty?
By 11 p.m. Bossy was home in bed, where her troubles were only beginning. The first problem was this:
It’s an article in the New Yorker, and Bossy decided it would be a terrific idea to read it as she was falling asleep. It’s about a very promising young chef who found out he has tongue cancer and radiation treatments have ruined his taste buds and now the poor fellow can’t taste his creations and what is this sore on the inside of Bossy’s right cheek?
To cheer herself up, Bossy stayed up even later reading the following article in the same magazine:
It’s about a famous photo retoucher named Pascal Dangin, and when you see all of those perfect women in all of those perfect magazine layouts you can blame Pascal.
The article details Pascal’s ability to seamlessly reshape shoulder blades and redefine cheekbones, and before Bossy knew it she had drifted off into a dream, and in this dream she was a photographer.
And in this dream, Bossy’s assignment as a photographer was to shoot photos of a very wealthy man, because when you are a photographer more famous than Annie Leibovitz you don’t take pictures, you shoot them.
And speaking of the wealthy man in her dream, Bossy has no idea who he was but she will now attempt to capture his essence:
And then Bossy awoke to the tortures of a bedside lamp still on, her eyeglasses crumpled under her throat, and her liver enzymes breaking down the complex sugars of last night’s Fetzer Merlot.
Nance saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:11 pm
That’s a very cute kitchen, with the exposed brick and track lighting and stuff. And I see you two shop for green paint together.
vuboq saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:14 pm
blue cheese and apples! YUM! I think VUBOQ needs to start VUBOQ’s Day, where everyone gives him fantastic presents, and cleans his house, and cooks for him and pours wine from an always-full bottle. And, wait, did you say skinny ties are back? Say it ain’t so, BOSSY. Say it ain’t so.
RuthWells saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I love a man who cooks.
natalie saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:23 pm
red wine dreams are the best! skinny ties, wealthy men, famous photographers and all. yea for red red wine!
Michelle in SF saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Hmmm, was Mr. Bossy injured while making dinner?
Foolery saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:29 pm
So many of my problems would be solved if I could not taste anything. My kitchen mistakes, for one. My love affair with red red wine, for two. And my colossal butt, for three, although that should have been number one.
Little Miss Sunshine State saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Bossy’s Mom looks much more hip than my Mom and Bossy’s husband is a good dresser and Bossy’s brother is cute. And Bossy’s bed looks too small for 2 people to fit in it.
Grandma J saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Bossy’s mom has a cute house and an nice kitchen….big enough for two men to prepare the feast with red wine.
Mr. Lootiato looks all fancy and spiffy in that picture. He loves the ladies, I can tell.
Hilary saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Resemblances… You have your Mom’s smile. Your son looks like his uncle. Glad you had a great time despite the worries of the late night. And Fetzer Merlot.. yum!
Amanda saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Skinny ties and mouth sores, what a night.
Dara saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:46 pm
WOW….your Mom and me ( I??? whatever) have the very same clown shoes….er, I mean red crocs. They make my feet sweat. I want a refund.
What Happens Next saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I can clearly see that I need to drink more red wine.
kristin saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:53 pm
May you rot in untouched h*ll Pascal Dangin…
Roz saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:53 pm
BOSSY? You mean you fell asleep before you got to the article about Dr. Pepperberg and the 30 solid years she spent conducting English lessons with her amazing giant parrot?
Madness saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Red Wine .. mmmm .. Happy Mothers Day to the Mother of all Mothers. Lynn wants to know who much Fetzer Merlot IS per box, er, bottle.
Aimee saysMay 12, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I love Bossy’s Mom’s house! And, although it seems you are suffering today, it sounds like you had a fabulous Mother’s Day.
mr.lootiatto saysMay 12, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Too much metzer ferlow for me too.
And guess what.. I rushed out the door to see if the house number had disappeared from my door…still there, so I realized bossys’ up to it again.
but why cantcha use those skills to disappear some of that miles and miles of black outfit I have on.
Tootsie Farklepants saysMay 12, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I’m amazed that BOSSY has the wherewithal to compose such a lovely post when surely she must be enjoying a severe case of the spins and driving the porcelain bus. Because I’m enjoying a contact case of both just by reading about all the wine.
Criquette saysMay 12, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Bossy, I seriously can’t believe you had a dream about a wealthy man in a skinny black tie and it wasn’t John Cusack! Does this mean you have forsaken him and that he is now eligible for the rest of us JC lovers to marry?
Emily R saysMay 12, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Is BOSSY wearing lovely modest pink pajamas in that photograph, or is she sleeping in The Nude?!
Ree (the Other one) saysMay 12, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I love Bossy’s Mom’s front door.
MamaMo saysMay 12, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Sounds heavenly – except for the magazine part.
amber lee peace saysMay 12, 2008 at 1:36 pm
For someone who hasn’t had Fetzer Merlot, would you like to describe it so I can decide on if I want to go buy a bottle?
Jen saysMay 12, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I love Fetzer anything!
Susan saysMay 12, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I have a husband who cooks, but a brother? Unfathomable to me.
Green with envy!
Lisa saysMay 12, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I love bossys moms KITCHEN..Sorry about your neck and the glasses-ouch–I hate it when I leave the light on..
greetings from the beach-
Momo Fali saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:04 pm
It’s clearly Barack O’Boyfriend.
The Domestic Goddess saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Jeebus. Did they slip something into that wine, ’cause that’s some funky dreaming.
corrie saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Was Bossy dreaming about one of Blues Brothers?
mommypie saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Damn. I dreamed I was Miley Cyrus and Bossy was taking my photo. What was in that wine?!?
Audubon Ron saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I feel asleep on the couch, pretty much same thing but woke up the annoyance of the Military Channel.
Laura saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Seriously Bossy, I eat like the 9th child in a family of 11 b/c it’s really true! YES WAY!!!
JCK saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Happy Mother’s Day, Bossy! Hope you are able to lie down today. Perhaps for the WHOLE day? I’m eating a pound of See’s Candies for you – just to see if I can catch up to that hangover feeling. Hopefully I won’t dream that I AM Annie Leibowitz and have been SHOOTING pictures of Billy Ray Cyrus.
Suzy saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I finally had to give up drinking because the vodka would not come out of the bottle when it was empty. This led me to many tantrums and then to rehab.
If the Goof is male, does he have a wife? Because I’d like to apply. Even if the Goof is a female, I’m fairly certain I could play for the B team for the Goof’s sake.
blackbird saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I had one too many Mint Julips last week and, if I may say, it was better than acid.
lumpyheadsmom saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:43 pm
God, I don’t trust a skinny chef. How the hell am I supposed to trust a chef without taste buds?
Sass E-mum saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I’ve been reading about Pascal Dangin today. He’s got a lot to answer for. He’s also got unfortunate facial hair – I wonder if he touches up his own holiday photos?
Jami saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Hey! Did ALL that red on the spaghetti come from tomatoes? Because that Band-Aid on the Hub’s thumb looks like it’s leaking.
Hope Mother’s Day was good to you and your Mom, even if the next day wasn’t.
Camille saysMay 12, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Sounds like your Mother’s Day about did you in! But it’s okay, because that kitchen was beautiful beyond words.
Amy saysMay 12, 2008 at 3:00 pm
I love the New Yorker, but last night was all about endless Survivor dreams, after the three-hour season finale.
What is with that little flesh-ball under Pascal Dangin’s chin? Couldn’t he have photoshopped that nasty thing away????
Kristabella saysMay 12, 2008 at 3:14 pm
This is why I read US Weekly before I go to bed. Because worse case scenario, I’ve stepped into the life of Nicole Richie and I can eat all I want because girlfriend needs to put on some damn weight.
All Adither saysMay 12, 2008 at 3:19 pm
You need some FLUFF on your nightstand, girl. Pure fluff.
Jenn @ Juggling Life saysMay 12, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I am very impressed that Bossy can read after ingesting copious amounts of red wine. Those kind of nights are made for Law & Order reruns.
All Adither saysMay 12, 2008 at 3:23 pm
P.S. That sore if from kissing too many husbands on your roadtrip.
Just kidding, Bossy’s husband.
AbsolutelyBananas saysMay 12, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I am very impressed with Bossy’s husband, who clearly has something to teach the rest of the men in this world about HOW TO DO MOTHER’S DAY. (hint: the mothers don’t have to cook the meal and then clean it up)
magpie saysMay 12, 2008 at 3:24 pm
But wait, you didn’t mention the stained glass window made out of rock slices! Or maybe you didn’t get that far in the New Yorker.
Nina saysMay 12, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I just want to marry your husband and your brother. They are the epitome of adorableness.
Dharmamama saysMay 12, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I read that article on Pascal Dangin… I mean, I *knew* some photos were retouched, but just to read the breadth of his reach… I’m not trusting any photo, ever again. Unless it’s one that Bossy shoots. Unless it’s of your mother’s door, and you’ve wiped out the numbers. I’m sure that’s the only retouching you’ve ever done. ‘MIright?
MarathonMom saysMay 12, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Carbs and red wine, what could be better? With a light rain outside….hmmmm
Chicky Chicky Baby saysMay 12, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Just realized that Bossy’s son looks a lot like Bossy’s brother. Strong genes in your family.
Also, your mom? Just from one picture I think I love her. Think she’ll adopt me?
Brando saysMay 12, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I am surprised that with all the red wine and pasta you stayed awake.
Very nice of Your Men to treat you all to a fine meal. And, from the looks out it, without having to use shock collars.
reen saysMay 12, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Do you think my landlord would be too upset if I laid brick over one of my kitchen walls and installed red-and-white tile? That kitchen is adorable. As is your family – your mom looks like fun!
Chesapeake Bay Woman saysMay 12, 2008 at 6:01 pm
It sounds like Bossy had the same Mother’s Day as I did, only I had all the wine and none of the dreams, because dreaming would imply there was SLEEP.
Oh, and one other difference? My mother, who also was partaking of the wine, wandered barefoot out into the yard, weaving back and forth in the pouring TORRENTIAL rain, and returned with bird crap on her shirt. And complaints about her stomach. Which left me pondering whether to call 911 (for her) or WINE ONE ONE (for myself).
And the final insult of all after all these events and no sleep was I had to go to work today.
Thank God this only comes once a year.
Mr Farty saysMay 12, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Mmmmmmerlot! I heart red wine.
Wait. Has that photo of Bossy sitting up in bed been retouched? Surely not.
Honest to YaYa saysMay 12, 2008 at 6:17 pm
You make me laugh so hard!!!?
Wendy saysMay 12, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I love the Goof!
Shannon saysMay 12, 2008 at 6:52 pm
“What is this sore inside my cheek?” (or thereabouts anyway) I laughed out loud for at least a full minute. And I thank you, I needed that laugh…. Oh, and I love Bossy’s mother’s kitchen.
Meg saysMay 12, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Hmmm, that’s kind of how I woke my own self up at like midnight. Takeout Mexican was my Mom’s day dinner of choice (safer than dear hubby cooking), plus gin & tonic with the neighbors… and, well, you know.
Ruth Dynamite saysMay 12, 2008 at 6:55 pm
This sounds like a most perfect Mother’s Day!
Liz saysMay 12, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Bossy, you have nothing to worry about. I on the other hand, would just be thankful if my liver enzymes were working at this point.
And… why are those sugars so darned complex?
ms picket to you saysMay 12, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Tonight I shall also drink some hooch and hopefully dream that one day my kitchen is all filled up with grown up men cooking and it will look exactly like Bossy’s mom’s house.
ms ellie saysMay 12, 2008 at 8:14 pm
So if men did all the cooking, all women would be drunks.
Honey, put on your apron!
Keeper of the Catnip saysMay 12, 2008 at 8:58 pm
The good news is…you did not say you are the same color as your mothers door from the Fetzer.
But I am….with envy. Your family is the tops!
Carole saysMay 12, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Bossy, I just found your blog and I think I love you. You are an oasis in a sea of stupid, boring blogs of people’s pics of their kids, stupid scrapbooking projects, endless recipes and photos of them, blogs that are hardly updated, blogs of photos that really aren’t good, blogs of get rich quick schemes and blogs written by 13 year olds. And I’m sick of Dooce. Dooce, Dooce, Dooce, doesn’t anyone for criminy’s sake read anything other than Dooce?? I think iambossy should be the new Dooce!!
manager mom saysMay 12, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Oh, Bossy…would not have pegged you to make such a rookie mistake.
Never read the New Yorker after a wine bender. As you learned, the articles will completely eff you over. But if THEY don’t, the nonsensical cartoons will confuse you to the point that your head will spin, and you will probably vomit.
Cactus Petunia saysMay 12, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Oh, poor Bossy…I feel for you, really I do. For you see, I was in a similar state last night about 1am, after a lovely meal cooked by my children, and several bottles of wine and about half a bottle of port…and I had to work today. Very, very slowly.
heart shaped hedges saysMay 13, 2008 at 12:55 am
Um, just an FYI,
Starving families with lots of kids, they dont drink wine.
I know this, because I watched the Duggars.
Can you imagine the Duggars all lit up on a barrel of wine?
Kelley saysMay 13, 2008 at 3:17 am
hmmm, OK, I am thinking that perhaps I have found the Mothers Day that might actually beat mine. But Bossy’s husband loses points for not dressing as Ninja while serving dinner.
Then it would be immensely better.
Tricia saysMay 13, 2008 at 7:31 am
I think I want to spend Mother’s Day at your mom’s house next year.
Adorable Girlfriend saysMay 13, 2008 at 8:33 am
Happy Mother’s Day to Bossy and all the wonderful moms out there!
Maria R saysMay 13, 2008 at 8:46 am
Dang. I will never get to bossy’s comments at under 10. It’s a goal with me. I’m aggressive like that.
Bossy’s brother seems to know presentation is everything with that salad.
maria wants bossy’s moms’ house. Is that grammatically correct. I at least want the kitchen floor. And, as remodeling is in my future, I will have it. Oh, yes, I will.
JoeInVegas saysMay 13, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Unfortunately for him, now you know that he can do it. So how about some more dinners by hubby?
Yes, the dangers of Merlot and the New Yorker. Perhaps you might do better with USA Today.
Windy saysMay 13, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I was drinking Fetzer Merlot the same night…
Candy saysMay 13, 2008 at 2:37 pm
The liver is your best friend. Never forget that.
Cyndi B saysMay 14, 2008 at 9:14 am
I want that screen door, how adorable is that!