How is it possible that Bossy can be sleepless all night — tossing and turning and finally surrendering to her bedside lamp and book at 3 am — and yet she’s able to fall into a coma between the four-minute intervals of her snooze alarm?
Even more mysterious is the fact that Bossy bothered to wake up today at all, considering she has removed the single pleasure associated with rising in the dark: coffee.
It’s not the coffee itself Bossy feels she must experimentally cut from her routine during a five-day trial known as Operation Glycemic Index. It’s the coffee drowning in half & half.
Mathematically speaking, if Bossy’s coffee mug holds over two cups of liquid, and her half & half accounts for ¼ of the overall volume, then:
In the place of coffee, Bossy will be consuming vegetable broth. She will spare you what this broth looks like swimming in her mug since her husband’s early morning reaction was, “Gah don’t you strain that stuff?”
Bossy will offer this image instead:
It’s not only dairy products Bossy feels the need to temporarily eliminate, but also sugar and gluten and meat and fowl and salt and alcohol. So that leaves broccoli.
You see, Bossy and her mother have been feeling kind of crappy lately, and they both like the idea of pushing the reset button before resuming the holiday hoopla. To this end, Bossy’s mom is moving into Bossy’s house for a few days so they can tend to their dietary restrictions together and slip into parallel catabolic states.
The general plan is to consume broth and juice smoothies for all of their meals for five days, and here is how Bossy prepared for this weeklong cleanse:
Bossy teases! That’s not all she did to prepare for her cleanse! She also ate two pounds of beef liver and a tangle of fried onions.
Stay tuned for updates throughout the week. Be prepared for Bossy to become less and less
inteligible intelligable intelligible. Ibleelllln.
The Domestic Goddess saysDecember 8, 2008 at 9:38 am
You are one brave woman. I wouldn’t DARE face my day without a cup of tea. Or two or three. I give you much credit.
YOU ARE MAD, WOMAN! MAAAAAD!
Liz saysDecember 8, 2008 at 9:43 am
What on EARTH do you think you are doing?
Can someone check the air quality where Bossy lives? Methinks that her brain is being poisoned by bad air stuff. Or something.
Kristi saysDecember 8, 2008 at 9:49 am
I’m sorry, but that sounds like something I need to try. That soup pot alone makes me salivate. I’ve just recently started drinking coffee though, so maybe I don’t really need a full reset program.
dgm saysDecember 8, 2008 at 9:52 am
Yipes! Good luck with that. But be warned: my friend did a cleanse and on the first night that she went back to drinking a glass or two of wine, it hit her HARD. Like, passed-out-on-the -bed-while-we-tried-on-the-clothes-in-her-closet-and-she-never-woke-up hard. You should see the pictures.
serena saysDecember 8, 2008 at 10:10 am
That’s going to do wonders for you! You wait and see. I wish I could squeeze in a couple of days of that. I don’t DARE drink all those fresh fruit juices AND leave the house (you can just imagine why). Can’t wait to hear about the results!
operagal saysDecember 8, 2008 at 10:29 am
um, OperaGal needs to find a corner to curl up in the fetal position.
Cindy Z saysDecember 8, 2008 at 10:38 am
Good luck! At least you will have company with your mom.
linda Carson saysDecember 8, 2008 at 10:51 am
Now THIS is gonna be interesting. I’m countin’ on before and after pictures, maybe some during shots, too, as we watch you go through caffeine withdrawal.
EricaB/Crazy Momma saysDecember 8, 2008 at 10:54 am
I am heading to make my own coffee right now…
Good luck to you. I am not sure I could make it.
Having a contest over my way – stop on by if you have a moment.
MariaV saysDecember 8, 2008 at 10:55 am
I’ve been thinking that I also need to do a cleanse because I have been feeling so lousy.
I read that green tea is also good when you are on a cleanse.
Gigi saysDecember 8, 2008 at 10:57 am
That soup looks really good, actually. Everything tastes better when you quit eating refined sugar.
Doing the cleanse during the holiday season is GENIUS. Think of all the goodies you won’t eat.
Xi_Heather saysDecember 8, 2008 at 11:04 am
The soup does look good, but it’s not a breakfast food like coffee. Or apple pie. Or chocolate cake. Or leftover whatever-you-had-for-dinner unless you had soup because, well, soup for breakfast just doesn’t sound right.
Little Miss Sunshine State saysDecember 8, 2008 at 11:04 am
Not to be gross. Okay, to be gross.
Liquid in=Liquid out?
so NOT cool saysDecember 8, 2008 at 11:12 am
The things that you are eliminating? All except for an occasional beer, I never have any of those. Okay, maybe a little kosher salt here and there.
Dairy is bad, evil, bad, evil, bad, evil, bad stuff. I haven’t had it for a decade. I also have not had a snotty nose even once since then. That alone makes it worthwhile.
Enjoy your broth! 😉
vuboq saysDecember 8, 2008 at 11:12 am
Good luck 🙂 Sometimes after periods of prolonged alcohol consumption, I go on a raw food cleansing diet. Crunchy! Fun! Not good for winter! I like the veggie broth in the morning idea 🙂
Jadielady saysDecember 8, 2008 at 11:31 am
I read Catabolic as Carboholic. Yesh I’m right there with ya- trying to get ahead before the fun food fests begin.
Andrea's Sweet Life saysDecember 8, 2008 at 11:35 am
Oh my goodness, I totally DIDN’T read this before I sent you that email this morning about giving up coffee!
If I could live in a cave for 5 days, I might be able to pull off a cleanse. But since I can’t, I’ll stick to my crappy diet so I don’t knock anybody’s head off.
Helena saysDecember 8, 2008 at 11:38 am
You’re swapping coffee for vegetable broth??!! Come on, Bossy! Why don’t you just eliminate the milk from your coffee and you’re pants will be less tight in no time. Trust me.
David saysDecember 8, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I love the idea of you purging your body in preparation for poisoning it with holiday excess. THAT is balance. But good on you for taking this on. No doubt you are already suffering from caffeine withdrawal and once your body calms down, the sleep will return. I assume you’ve armed your family with valium to cope with your soon-to-be-epic crankiness.
Emily saysDecember 8, 2008 at 12:27 pm
You are a crazy woman… but hey, that Gabbiano is tasty!!
Evolving saysDecember 8, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I have tried this diet before and you seriously do need a support group to make it work. And to not have anything else to do because you spend half your day contriving food you can actually EAT!!! Good luck bossy! Be sure to reward yourself with a cupcake when you’re done!
Momo Fali saysDecember 8, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I have a feeling Bossy’s posts are going to be kind of angry this week. Just a hunch.
Mr Farty saysDecember 8, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Catabolic? Three days without coffee would leave me catatonic. Good luck, Bossy and Bossy’s mom, you’ll need it!
ashley saysDecember 8, 2008 at 12:56 pm
My best friend does these, and I can’t wrap my brain around broth in the morning. I do however subscribe to a south beach diet breakfast, Scrammbled eggs and tasty saute’d spinach! Maybe a meal for you to reintroduce after your cleanse. Have fun with Mom!
Julie saysDecember 8, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Me, I had two cups of tea with whole milk and sugar and a plate of leftover nachos for breakfast. Oh, and a handful of chocoate chips. For magnesium. Cuz I am all about the health food.
I can’t decide if I am worried about you and your mom or eagerly looking forward to the insanity of this week’s Bossy Posts. This is gonna be FUN! to read about. Fun in a crazy, murderous rage kind of way.
Julie saysDecember 8, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I make a big mug of Miso with a little coconut oil, a shake of cayanne, a shake of tumeric, some fiber & a teaspoon of vinegar every morning and drink that first before Coffee. It may sound weird, but I love the taste and all those things are really good for you, been doing this for years and years!
Ree (the other one) saysDecember 8, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Will Bossy be able to write on photos with no caffeine?
renee in seattle saysDecember 8, 2008 at 1:21 pm
How will Bossy poop without her coffee?
Lesley saysDecember 8, 2008 at 1:25 pm
OMG. You totally and completely kill me.
Dr.Feelgood saysDecember 8, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Simply cut the carbs:bread, potato(e)s,pasta,sweets,cake,chocalate,etc
You can eat everything else!
No charge for this advice!
Reeb saysDecember 8, 2008 at 2:16 pm
YOU CAN DO IT BOSSY!
Is the Bossy Husband going to do this too, or just your mom? I’m glad Bossy Mom is going to be in it with you too. Darling Husband and I did a three week one this fall, and it really helped to have somebody to whine to when the urge for a diet coke or some wine got too intense. To whine to and then to show some backbone for the two of us. We took turns on both roles.
I do look forward to reading your increasingly food-obsessed and cranky blog posts this week.
Stephanie saysDecember 8, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Good luck, Bossy! I’ll be sure to drink your share of the half and half so it doesn’t go to waste.
pamela from the dayton time saysDecember 8, 2008 at 2:21 pm
This is a whole new brand of Crazy that Bossy is trying on. Be careful. Dooce went crazy when she tried to cleanse. Bossy would be wise to take a lesson from that Dooce, seeing as how Bossy is the new Dooce.
I heard that somewhere…
Reeb saysDecember 8, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Are you allowed to have green tea on your cleanse? My naturopath let me have it on my intensive one. It’s got a very small amount of caffeine in it, I think. Stash brand has Chai flavor and some other flavors that are good. I’ve gotten to actually prefer green tea to coffee most of the time. Never would have believed THAT would happen.
reen saysDecember 8, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Wow, respect for that!! I’d be a raving a**hole by the 2nd day. Be sure to send your wine stash this way for the duration…temptation, you know!
Sue saysDecember 8, 2008 at 2:29 pm
By the middle of this you’ll be wringing the olive oil out of your hair in your insane quest for a snack, but you should be feeling pretty good by the end. Like you can fly, actually, so don’t go above the first floor for any reason.
Reeb saysDecember 8, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Oh wait, Bossy is doing this after a night of no sleep??!
Jacquie saysDecember 8, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Oh, you poor bastard. I keep telling my co-blogger Beth that I want to have a cleanse, but I’m unwilling to give up alcohol. Or coffee. Or cheeseburgers. Good luck, Bossy!
magpie saysDecember 8, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Wine, liver and onions. Hmm. I’ll stick to wine.
Tammy saysDecember 8, 2008 at 3:15 pm
And this cleanse thing is going to result in…world peace? Winning the lottery? TomKat finally confirming that their marriage is a sham? Because if it’s anything less, I don’t think my family would survive the return of Momzilla.
Surcie saysDecember 8, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I’m on day 27 of a similar cleanse. (That’s why I’m into the kefir that I mentioned in that post you read.) What I miss most is Starbucks. And baked goods. Chocolate. Ice cream. Cereal. Pasta. . . .I’m feeling a bit deprived. But I’ve definitely lost weight, and the sinus infection I’ve had for months finally went away! You’re doing the right thing, B.
Cactus Petunia saysDecember 8, 2008 at 3:24 pm
After 3 or 4 days of nothing but fruit and broccoli, Bossy and her mother should make sure to warn people not to stand downwind of them…Makes me thankful the jet stream blows west to east!
jeanie saysDecember 8, 2008 at 4:30 pm
lol last time I tried a cleanse, I ended up throwing up from the migraine my caffeine-addicted receptors threw at me.
I had girlfriends who swore by the Israeli Army Diet and you could tell they were partaking – first from the overpowering cabbage smell emanating from the kitchen, second from the increased grumpiness they displayed and third was the downwind factor.
Domestic Goddess (in training) saysDecember 8, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Now, since you and your mother are both on this cleanse and both in your house… you do have enough bathrooms to hold you both and Mr. Bossy separately, right? Nothing says “END THIS DIET” quicker than sharing a bathroom with someone who just cleansed!
Karen (Submommy) saysDecember 8, 2008 at 4:54 pm
You are a stronger woman than me.
No coffee could potentially kill me. I’m not kdding. My head would explode.
rb saysDecember 8, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I don’t really understand these cleanses or resets or what have you. It’s much easier on the body to make gradual changes – certainly healthier in the long run than health binges.
Sara saysDecember 8, 2008 at 7:16 pm
If you are trying to cut out the sugar, juice smoothies are not the way to go. Fructose (fruit sugar) is a form of sugar. As a diabetic, I can tell you it is far less sugar to have a large apple than an 8 oz. glass of apple juice.
Regardless, good luck with your diet!
Chesapeake Bay Woman saysDecember 8, 2008 at 8:04 pm
There are three major food groups: coffee, wine and food, to be enjoyed in that order throughout the day. Coffee for breakfast, wine early evening, and food right before bed.
The mere fact that Bossy has eliminated two major sources of sustenance from her daily llfe is reason enough to have insomnia, if not severe damage to major organs in the body, up to and including the brain.
Lee the MWOB Queen saysDecember 8, 2008 at 8:08 pm
I don’t need to do that kinda diet now. Although it sounds like a damn good idea. Just lookin’ at that soup did it for me. I’m all ready for chocolate now.
Catherine McP saysDecember 8, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Peoples responses to your new diet had me chucklin..I echo the “better have a couple bathrooms”!!
Linda_M saysDecember 8, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Wow – Bossy doesn’t seem to be getting much positive support on this. I don’t think I could/would do it, but if it’s right for you and your Mom, I say go for it! I hope you get stellar results!
wrh saysDecember 8, 2008 at 10:57 pm
You would trade coffee for vegetable broth?
Silly Bossy! It’s not April Fool’s!
Seriously…you’re kidding, right?
g saysDecember 8, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Mmm…. liver & onions and red wine!!
Oh, wait, that’s NOT your new regimen?
Heide saysDecember 9, 2008 at 12:16 am
As soon as I’m done grading term papers and final exams, I’ll be cutting way back on coffee and junk. But I expect to be sleeping … a lot. Good luck!
Jamie saysDecember 9, 2008 at 1:44 am
i have one word for bossy…ewwwwwww
Jenn @ Juggling Life saysDecember 9, 2008 at 2:14 am
Good luck. When I did Fat Flush–which isn’t quite as drastic, I felt terrible–I mean truly terrible for about a week. I did lose weight, but alas, the moment I stopped . . .
Maggie Garcia saysDecember 9, 2008 at 2:24 am
One time Coco and I pledged not to spend a single cent for a whole week. We prepared for this financial fast by spending shit tons of money the entire weekend before. It made sense at the time.
Julian Meteor saysDecember 9, 2008 at 9:38 am
Save water – drink BEER!!!!!!!!
(DEFO JOTD) lol
MamaMo saysDecember 9, 2008 at 10:30 am
Another alternative to coffee in the morning (and vegetable broth!) is a mug of hot water with 1/4 of a lemon squeezed in – it’s very cleansing and actually quite pleasant.
Gette saysDecember 9, 2008 at 10:32 am
I’d be OK if I could have the broth every 5 minutes. Otherwise I echo the sentiment that one should adapt such changes gradually. It seems like both the entrance and exit would be too abrupt otherwise. I also advocate adding the good stuff into your diet before trying to remove the bad. The premise being that when you start getting the good stuff your body won’t crave the bad so much and its easier to quit it.
Charlie Hills saysDecember 9, 2008 at 11:05 am
I may just have to abandon my current blog’s name in favor of “a tangle of fried onions.” That’s pure poetry.
And I think I’m going to be glad I ran across this blog today. Plus, I feel honored to be comment #61. Unless, of course, someone else commented while I’m typing this, and then I look like an idiot.
Dara saysDecember 9, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Coffee is my justification for drinking warm half and half.
I feel your pain, Bossy. I have been contemplating my BMI and wishing it could turn into a BMW, but(t) I doubt it.
Her Bad Mother saysDecember 9, 2008 at 9:34 pm
kym b saysDecember 9, 2008 at 10:33 pm
I did that cleanse. It was horrible, my husband and I lasted a week and then had to have a cheeseburger.
However, I have never gone back to drinking caffeine. I don’t miss it at all. Once you get past the first 3 days of splitting headaches, it’s all good.
Good luck with the cleanse. Make lentil soup your friend. And baked sweet potato fries, mmmmmm.
Isle Dance saysDecember 10, 2008 at 12:33 am
Ooo…this should be interesting…!
Jessi Louise saysDecember 11, 2008 at 10:29 am
That sounds like a good idea…in theory…
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