JOIN BOSSY'S OLD SCHOOL BLOG ROLL!

i am bossy

A Monday Ponderable. The Insomnia Edition.

early-morning

How is it possible that Bossy can be sleepless all night — tossing and turning and finally surrendering to her bedside lamp and book at 3 am — and yet she’s able to fall into a coma between the four-minute intervals of her snooze alarm?

Even more mysterious is the fact that Bossy bothered to wake up today at all, considering she has removed the single pleasure associated with rising in the dark: coffee.

It’s not the coffee itself Bossy feels she must experimentally cut from her routine during a five-day trial known as Operation Glycemic Index. It’s the coffee drowning in half & half.

Mathematically speaking, if Bossy’s coffee mug holds over two cups of liquid, and her half & half accounts for ¼ of the overall volume, then:

equation

In the place of coffee, Bossy will be consuming vegetable broth. She will spare you what this broth looks like swimming in her mug since her husband’s early morning reaction was, “Gah don’t you strain that stuff?”

Bossy will offer this image instead:

vegetable-broth

It’s not only dairy products Bossy feels the need to temporarily eliminate, but also sugar and gluten and meat and fowl and salt and alcohol. So that leaves broccoli.

You see, Bossy and her mother have been feeling kind of crappy lately, and they both like the idea of pushing the reset button before resuming the holiday hoopla. To this end, Bossy’s mom is moving into Bossy’s house for a few days so they can tend to their dietary restrictions together and slip into parallel catabolic states.

The general plan is to consume broth and juice smoothies for all of their meals for five days, and here is how Bossy prepared for this weeklong cleanse:

bottle-wine

Bossy teases! That’s not all she did to prepare for her cleanse! She also ate two pounds of beef liver and a tangle of fried onions.

Stay tuned for updates throughout the week. Be prepared for Bossy to become less and less inteligible intelligable intelligible. Ibleelllln.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. What on EARTH do you think you are doing?

    Can someone check the air quality where Bossy lives? Methinks that her brain is being poisoned by bad air stuff. Or something.

    Reply

  3. I’m sorry, but that sounds like something I need to try. That soup pot alone makes me salivate. I’ve just recently started drinking coffee though, so maybe I don’t really need a full reset program.

    Reply

  4. Yipes! Good luck with that. But be warned: my friend did a cleanse and on the first night that she went back to drinking a glass or two of wine, it hit her HARD. Like, passed-out-on-the -bed-while-we-tried-on-the-clothes-in-her-closet-and-she-never-woke-up hard. You should see the pictures.

    Reply

  5. That’s going to do wonders for you! You wait and see. I wish I could squeeze in a couple of days of that. I don’t DARE drink all those fresh fruit juices AND leave the house (you can just imagine why). Can’t wait to hear about the results!

    Reply

  10. I’ve been thinking that I also need to do a cleanse because I have been feeling so lousy.

    I read that green tea is also good when you are on a cleanse.

    Reply

  11. That soup looks really good, actually. Everything tastes better when you quit eating refined sugar.

    Doing the cleanse during the holiday season is GENIUS. Think of all the goodies you won’t eat.

    Reply

  12. The soup does look good, but it’s not a breakfast food like coffee. Or apple pie. Or chocolate cake. Or leftover whatever-you-had-for-dinner unless you had soup because, well, soup for breakfast just doesn’t sound right.

    Reply

  14. The things that you are eliminating? All except for an occasional beer, I never have any of those. Okay, maybe a little kosher salt here and there.

    Dairy is bad, evil, bad, evil, bad, evil, bad stuff. I haven’t had it for a decade. I also have not had a snotty nose even once since then. That alone makes it worthwhile.

    Enjoy your broth! 😉

    Reply

  15. Good luck 🙂 Sometimes after periods of prolonged alcohol consumption, I go on a raw food cleansing diet. Crunchy! Fun! Not good for winter! I like the veggie broth in the morning idea 🙂

    Reply

  17. Oh my goodness, I totally DIDN’T read this before I sent you that email this morning about giving up coffee!

    If I could live in a cave for 5 days, I might be able to pull off a cleanse. But since I can’t, I’ll stick to my crappy diet so I don’t knock anybody’s head off.

    Reply

  18. You’re swapping coffee for vegetable broth??!! Come on, Bossy! Why don’t you just eliminate the milk from your coffee and you’re pants will be less tight in no time. Trust me.

    Reply

  19. I love the idea of you purging your body in preparation for poisoning it with holiday excess. THAT is balance. But good on you for taking this on. No doubt you are already suffering from caffeine withdrawal and once your body calms down, the sleep will return. I assume you’ve armed your family with valium to cope with your soon-to-be-epic crankiness.

    Reply

  21. I have tried this diet before and you seriously do need a support group to make it work. And to not have anything else to do because you spend half your day contriving food you can actually EAT!!! Good luck bossy! Be sure to reward yourself with a cupcake when you’re done!

    Reply

  23. Catabolic? Three days without coffee would leave me catatonic. Good luck, Bossy and Bossy’s mom, you’ll need it!

    Reply

  24. My best friend does these, and I can’t wrap my brain around broth in the morning. I do however subscribe to a south beach diet breakfast, Scrammbled eggs and tasty saute’d spinach! Maybe a meal for you to reintroduce after your cleanse. Have fun with Mom!

    Reply

  25. Me, I had two cups of tea with whole milk and sugar and a plate of leftover nachos for breakfast. Oh, and a handful of chocoate chips. For magnesium. Cuz I am all about the health food.

    I can’t decide if I am worried about you and your mom or eagerly looking forward to the insanity of this week’s Bossy Posts. This is gonna be FUN! to read about. Fun in a crazy, murderous rage kind of way.

    Reply

  26. I make a big mug of Miso with a little coconut oil, a shake of cayanne, a shake of tumeric, some fiber & a teaspoon of vinegar every morning and drink that first before Coffee. It may sound weird, but I love the taste and all those things are really good for you, been doing this for years and years!

    Reply

  30. Simply cut the carbs:bread, potato(e)s,pasta,sweets,cake,chocalate,etc
    You can eat everything else!
    No charge for this advice!

    Reply

  31. YOU CAN DO IT BOSSY!
    Is the Bossy Husband going to do this too, or just your mom? I’m glad Bossy Mom is going to be in it with you too. Darling Husband and I did a three week one this fall, and it really helped to have somebody to whine to when the urge for a diet coke or some wine got too intense. To whine to and then to show some backbone for the two of us. We took turns on both roles.

    I do look forward to reading your increasingly food-obsessed and cranky blog posts this week.

    Reply

  33. This is a whole new brand of Crazy that Bossy is trying on. Be careful. Dooce went crazy when she tried to cleanse. Bossy would be wise to take a lesson from that Dooce, seeing as how Bossy is the new Dooce.

    I heard that somewhere…

    Reply

  34. Are you allowed to have green tea on your cleanse? My naturopath let me have it on my intensive one. It’s got a very small amount of caffeine in it, I think. Stash brand has Chai flavor and some other flavors that are good. I’ve gotten to actually prefer green tea to coffee most of the time. Never would have believed THAT would happen.

    Reply

  35. Wow, respect for that!! I’d be a raving a**hole by the 2nd day. Be sure to send your wine stash this way for the duration…temptation, you know!

    Reply

  36. By the middle of this you’ll be wringing the olive oil out of your hair in your insane quest for a snack, but you should be feeling pretty good by the end. Like you can fly, actually, so don’t go above the first floor for any reason.

    Reply

  38. Oh, you poor bastard. I keep telling my co-blogger Beth that I want to have a cleanse, but I’m unwilling to give up alcohol. Or coffee. Or cheeseburgers. Good luck, Bossy!

    Reply

  40. And this cleanse thing is going to result in…world peace? Winning the lottery? TomKat finally confirming that their marriage is a sham? Because if it’s anything less, I don’t think my family would survive the return of Momzilla.

    Reply

  41. I’m on day 27 of a similar cleanse. (That’s why I’m into the kefir that I mentioned in that post you read.) What I miss most is Starbucks. And baked goods. Chocolate. Ice cream. Cereal. Pasta. . . .I’m feeling a bit deprived. But I’ve definitely lost weight, and the sinus infection I’ve had for months finally went away! You’re doing the right thing, B.

    Reply

  42. After 3 or 4 days of nothing but fruit and broccoli, Bossy and her mother should make sure to warn people not to stand downwind of them…Makes me thankful the jet stream blows west to east!

    Reply

  43. lol last time I tried a cleanse, I ended up throwing up from the migraine my caffeine-addicted receptors threw at me.

    I had girlfriends who swore by the Israeli Army Diet and you could tell they were partaking – first from the overpowering cabbage smell emanating from the kitchen, second from the increased grumpiness they displayed and third was the downwind factor.

    Good luck.

    Reply

  44. Now, since you and your mother are both on this cleanse and both in your house… you do have enough bathrooms to hold you both and Mr. Bossy separately, right? Nothing says “END THIS DIET” quicker than sharing a bathroom with someone who just cleansed!

    Reply

  46. I don’t really understand these cleanses or resets or what have you. It’s much easier on the body to make gradual changes – certainly healthier in the long run than health binges.

    Reply

  47. If you are trying to cut out the sugar, juice smoothies are not the way to go. Fructose (fruit sugar) is a form of sugar. As a diabetic, I can tell you it is far less sugar to have a large apple than an 8 oz. glass of apple juice.

    Regardless, good luck with your diet!

    Reply

  48. There are three major food groups: coffee, wine and food, to be enjoyed in that order throughout the day. Coffee for breakfast, wine early evening, and food right before bed.

    The mere fact that Bossy has eliminated two major sources of sustenance from her daily llfe is reason enough to have insomnia, if not severe damage to major organs in the body, up to and including the brain.

    Reply

  51. Wow – Bossy doesn’t seem to be getting much positive support on this. I don’t think I could/would do it, but if it’s right for you and your Mom, I say go for it! I hope you get stellar results!

    Reply

  54. As soon as I’m done grading term papers and final exams, I’ll be cutting way back on coffee and junk. But I expect to be sleeping … a lot. Good luck!

    Reply

  57. One time Coco and I pledged not to spend a single cent for a whole week. We prepared for this financial fast by spending shit tons of money the entire weekend before. It made sense at the time.

    Reply

  59. Another alternative to coffee in the morning (and vegetable broth!) is a mug of hot water with 1/4 of a lemon squeezed in – it’s very cleansing and actually quite pleasant.

    Reply

  60. I’d be OK if I could have the broth every 5 minutes. Otherwise I echo the sentiment that one should adapt such changes gradually. It seems like both the entrance and exit would be too abrupt otherwise. I also advocate adding the good stuff into your diet before trying to remove the bad. The premise being that when you start getting the good stuff your body won’t crave the bad so much and its easier to quit it.

    Reply

  61. I may just have to abandon my current blog’s name in favor of “a tangle of fried onions.” That’s pure poetry.

    And I think I’m going to be glad I ran across this blog today. Plus, I feel honored to be comment #61. Unless, of course, someone else commented while I’m typing this, and then I look like an idiot.

    Reply

  62. Coffee is my justification for drinking warm half and half.

    I feel your pain, Bossy. I have been contemplating my BMI and wishing it could turn into a BMW, but(t) I doubt it.

    Reply

  64. I did that cleanse. It was horrible, my husband and I lasted a week and then had to have a cheeseburger.

    However, I have never gone back to drinking caffeine. I don’t miss it at all. Once you get past the first 3 days of splitting headaches, it’s all good.

    Good luck with the cleanse. Make lentil soup your friend. And baked sweet potato fries, mmmmmm.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *