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The Hump Day Update on Team Cleanse.

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As some of you know, Bossy and her mother began a cleansing diet on Monday in an effort to reset some of their bad habits, such as too much sugar and too much salt and too much gluten and too much dairy and too much food and too much fun.

Bossy’s mother moved into Bossy’s house so they could eat all of the same things at all of the same times while providing moral support. Their general plan was to consume vegetable broth and fruit smoothies for the first two or three days, gradually adding delicious treats for the remainder of the week, like one raw broccoli floret and a tablespoon of chickpeas.

To get started, Bossy prepared the broth that would provide the backbone of their diet, where backbone equals Is it a normal cleansing side effect to feel as though you’ve had a spinal tap?

vegetable-broth

Here is Bossy’s exact vegetable broth recipe: dump fresh potatoes, carrots, fennel, garlic, spinach, and broccoli into lots and lots of water and cook over a flame until all of the water is evaporated. Curse like you’re getting paid for it, after realizing your flame was too high. Resume cooking vegetables with new water — water that is now pale and tasteless. Cook until there isn’t a nutrient left in the vegetables and they are the consistency of the brain matter Bossy worries may soon slip out of her ear.

Or, cook the vegetables in water over a low flame for a couple of hours. Then strain.

Every morning Bossy and her mom consume a mug of this broth, and then again at lunch. For dinner they enjoy Broth Surprise, which is Surprise we’re still upright!

In addition to the broth, Bossy and her mom pound a fair amount of water which has been lightly flavored with orange, lime, and lemon segments.

citrus-flavored-water

And in the early afternoon, Bossy prepares a smoothie made entirely from fresh fruit, utilizing different combinations of banana, mango, strawberries, oranges, grapefruit, and apple.

fresh-fruit-bowl

Neither Bossy or her mother, nor her mother, oh mother please help me, have been experiencing any of the Bathroom Issues that many readers referred to in the comment section. Unless you were talking about peeing, because Bossy and her mother have been peeing up a storm! A Category 4 storm with a warming trend sweeping across the lower regions. Also: windy is a distinct possibility.

To distract Bossy and her mother from their diet cleanse, they have been watching a lot of TV. And it has really worked, they haven’t been thinking about food at all!

For instance they rented The Staircase, a seven-hour documentary about a wealthy journalist, Michael Peterson, who was accused of murdering his wife even though he insisted it was an accidental fall down the stairs.

In the beginning of the movie, Michael Peterson posts his bail and returns to the house where his wife’s death occurred. In extensive interviews with the filmmaker, he details their loving relationship. He details their loving relationship while preparing a cream sauce that drapes over a plate of freshly drained ravioli.

Because it was a second marriage for Michael Peterson and his dead wife, it was a blended family, composed of his, hers, and adopted. One of the most interesting aspects of the movie was watching how the children, now grown, stood by their father. In fact many moved home to support him through his trial. To support him and to make him a basil, tomato, and mozzarella salad—accompanying a pot of ziti.

Like most trials, the lawyers had to endure several defendant disclosures they worried would threaten their case. For instance Mike Peterson turned out to be bisexual, and during the course of his marriage, he had several affairs with men. Mike Peterson openly discussed these affairs with his lawyers. He openly discussed them while drinking a glass of deep red wine filled to the delicious brim.

In the state’s favor, there were also some inconsistencies in the blood splatter patterns. The lawyers met with their forensic team to develop a strategy. To develop a strategy while eating drippy sandwiches and a bag of chips.

But documentaries about murder aren’t the only thing Bossy and her mother have been watching to forget about food. They’ve also been distracted by their fair share of classic movies, such as the one last night about a family who is forced to make many sacrifices during World War II. Like eating potato hash. Delicious, delicious potato hash.

In other news, Karen was the winner of yesterday’s Ten-Word Challenge giveaway. Bossy sent you an email. Congratulations, Karen!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. I keep thinking that maybe I should spend a week doing some similar type of hot cleansing action, but instead I just go home and cook real food. Then I eat it.

    If it’s any consolation, your colon probably likes you more than mine likes me, so there’s that.

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  2. don’t forget bossys moms comment when she was watching the murder trial…”anyone that makes tomato, mozzerella, avocado basil salad can NOT be guilty of anything.

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  4. Predicting headaches, and possible flu like symptoms to arrive shortly. Big stress on the old bod to do these cleanses.

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  5. How many calories do you think get burned whilst laughing one’s ass off reading Bossy’s cleansing posts? ‘Cause I am feeling a few pounds lighter and I didn’t even have to drink no stinkin’ broth!

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  6. I am so impressed. This is far more stringent than the cleanse I did. Although mine lasted for 3 weeks and I swear that during the middle week the assignment was to live on air and light.

    You watched SEVEN hours of that? Did the documentary decide if he did it?

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  8. I had some “cleansing” laughter! We know you didn’t cleanse your sense of humor away! Did they have recipes included in the documentary/

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  9. You foodie people both amuse and amaze me. Usually I feel that eating just gets in the way of all the things I need to do. And drinking is mostly a social obligation. I know, I’m a freak. I own it.

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  11. I am afraid this — and other, as-yet-unwritten potential posts on any topics that include the words “diet,” and “cleansing,” and are referential in any way to “bathroom issues” — is making me approach my blog reading in general with great trepidation, and I’ve become acutely aware of possible TMI issues in my RSS feeds.

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  13. I live in the area where the Peterson saga took place. Did the documentary mention that he had a bloody shoe print INSIDE the
    leg of his shorts? OR that another woman he knew had died the exact same way years ago?

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  14. I love my mother very, very much… but the idea of spending days in a row with her while hungry, sober and on a caffeine jonze makes me reconsider the prospect of smoking crack.

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  15. So, you can’t eat food.. ok.. what about other things, like.. can you eat the arm off the sofa you’re sitting on or the remote control? A remote control would have a good satisfying crunch.

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  16. I had something worked out, but Stephanie’s comment about eating the sofa arm made me giggle.

    Oh yeah, I was thinking about giving up caffeine for the next month and then decided I didn’t want to be mean during the holidays. Come Jan 1st I plan to do a cleanse like this…. and boy will I be rotten then!

    But I bet you could still make me crack a smile!

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  17. I thought those things in the pitcher were dead goldfish. Not that I see dead goldfish everywhere I look.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go finish this Phillie Cheesesteak sandwich. mmMMmm Phillie…

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  18. I was just thinking of you when I poured myself some hot chocolate and filled it to the brim with whipped cream. I was wondering what your energy level is like. I think I would be zombie-like if I were in your shoes.

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  20. This kind of reminds me of having the stomach flu back in the 70’s while watching the American Music Awards (or some nonsense like that) sponsored by McD’s Filet o Fish sandwiches. Everytime the commercial came on (every break) my mom and I would race to the closest bathroom.

    See, we shared the detox program decades before Bossy and her mom!

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  21. So you’re taking your mind off the cleansing diet by enduring things even more painful and boring – like a documentary on Michael Peterson?! 😉

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  22. If you add a bunch of leafy greens (spinach, kale, parsley – whichever sounds/tastes appealing to you) to your smoothies, you’ll be drinking “green smoothies” and cleansing the insides…but don’t listen to me because I swear by them.

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  23. How many toilets in that house? I have a feeling this experiment will bubble over in 2 days. I ate a whole coconut custard pie in bed last night. I felt guilty so I took extra zocor

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  27. Will you please review “Bread and Tulips” for us too? I see it in the photo next to The Staircase and why oh why did you decide to watch The Staircase first? However, B&T is Italian so will be full of marvelous food events. Maybe save that til next week.

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  28. I have the same feeling I had the first time I looked at that pic of that soupy broth. I think I need this cleanse too but I won’t go through the trouble. Maybe you bottle up the broth and sell it along with your t-shirts.

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  29. This may be the one time in the world I suggest that a person doesn’t read Such A Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster. She went into food-based conversations like this when she was on Atkins. Eventually, she was driven to food porn.

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  30. Hang in there, I need to hear about the food that brings you back to us, cause those should be some special vittles! and also if this guy did it, although it sounds like it.

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  32. I haven’t done this one but I have done the ‘master cleanser’ several times. Partway in you start to feel amazing, then that swiftly departs and the best way to spend the last bit is in bed, frankly.

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  33. Bossy is detoxing. I am pretoxing. Yaaayyy!
    You may not want to read my blogpost today since it might cause upset, tears, anger or just generally a feeling of wanting to smash your computer against the wall. I’m just saying…

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  36. I’m in crunch time at the end of the semester, with way too little sleep and waaaayyyyyy too much coffee, but Bossy has inspired me to eat well at least. To balance four (large, strong) cups of coffee and two cups of tea. When the papers and the exams are all graded … THEN I’ll take a long, caffeine-free nap. Maybe three or four days.

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  37. I went on a cleanse diet once. It was called “getting my jaw wired shut”
    The worst 6 weeks of my entire life.
    Needless to say, I went from 125 to 110 pounds really quick and wanted someone to stab me in the neck to put me out of my misery.

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  39. The first cleanse I ever did, I rented movies to watch over the weekend (which were days SIX and SEVEN of the cleanse, which meant I was cold and hungry and a little listless).

    What did I rent?

    EAT DRINK MAN WOMAN

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  41. My mom and I get along great, but I think that if we were stuck in the house together for 5 days drinking nothing but veggie broth and spa water we would kill each other.

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  42. Laughing at what Cat said.

    But, have much admiration for Bossy and mom. You don’t mind if I continue to inhale sugar and alcohol do you?

    Reply

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