This holiday tinsel.
And when Bossy says this tinsel, she doesn’t mean tinsel in general, or tinsel that looks like this, she means this tinsel, since, for over a decade, Bossy and her family have been casting these very strands on the tree and then — get this — collecting it into a bundle at the close of every holiday so it can be stored with the rest of the ornaments.
Growing up, Bossy’s family always put a little tinsel on their tree, but Bossy never knew she had an official position on tinsel until Bossy’s mom showed up with these very strands all those years ago. “I found a second-hand store selling old fashioned tinsel,” Bossy’s mom said. “It’s heavier than the cheap shit they make today,” she added, because Bossy’s mom works in profanity the way other men might work in oils, it’s her medium.
The heavier tinsel strands do what they’re supposed to do, they hang straight and shimmery from the tree’s boughs. Because Bossy is pretty sure real icicles don’t have a problem with static cling.
And now applause goes out to Bossy’s son, for being this year’s Tinsel Hand Model.