Name: i am bossy.
Address: You know that house, on that street, with the wrap-around porch and open floor plan? The one with the citrus grove and rear outbuilding ceramic studio? Well, not there.
What kind of employment does Bossy desire? She was thinking about television producer. Or set designer, you know, for movies? Not designing the whole set, mind you, but maybe just arranging the little things that sit on bureaus. Or possibly dog trainer. To the stars.
Bossy sees you have included a weekly calendar so she can list her availability during the week. Let’s start with Monday! Monday isn’t good! Tuesdays and Wednesdays are also out, as are Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and most Sundays. But on those other Sundays, well! Bossy isn’t available either.
Let’s see. Bossy attended high school. And college! And then she quit college. And then she went to a different college. And then she quit college. And then she went to a different college. Then an even more different college. And then she died of old age.
Bossy has many, many, many skills relevant to Starbucks. Like her attentun to detial. And like Photoshopping heads on Asians. And stalking movie stars. How about reenacting the African Queen with Barbies?
What does Bossy like about coffee? What does Bossy like about coffee. Bossy likes how dark it is. Black, really. Except when it’s not black. When it’s not black it looks almost exactly like the color of cream poured into coffee! Because that’s what it is.
Describe a time Bossy provided excellent customer service in a recent position? This morning! Bossy’s daughter wanted a hardboiled egg for breakfast, and Bossy provided one! Except they were all gone! So she couldn’t! Because a certain college student eats things in the middle of the night and doesn’t warn his family before they get their heart set on things like hardboiled eggs. And so Bossy prepared scrambled eggs for her daughter, which she made especially delicious with burnt butter, which Bossy’s daughter hated! And so it worked out perfectly! Perfectly awful.
Why would Bossy like to work for Starbucks? Well, she really admires how Starbucks is not bankrupt. And because she’d sure love to prepare those whatchamacallits. Those Eggnog Peppermint Dolce Mocha Latte decaf half-frap Caramel Macchiato Vivannos. You don’t have that on the menu? Because you should.
Don’t forget to blah blah blah for Bossy for Best Humor Blog. You can vote once a day blah blah, Bossy is beyond sick to death of this. This is the blah blah fouie.
ashley saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I get a little nauseous just looking at one of these, I am so glad that I am busy every day of the week currently blah blah blah for Bossy.
Half Assed Kitchen saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 12:26 pm
You should move here and work in the HQ. You could do really cool things. Like setting up new stores (except the ones that Starbucks is closing) and help people with their free wi-fi connections (except that Starbucks doesn’t offer free wi-fi).
koehmstedt saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 12:35 pm
How funny we have college in common… in a strange way that makes me happy. Bossy would be excellent Starbuck’s peopole.
Fairly Odd Mother saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Oh Bossy, just think of all the funny stories you’d get from working in Starbucks. And, then you could blog about them. But, I’m not sure people will appreciate you photographing their obnoxious coffee orders.
HAGERDASH saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Bossy, you are super cute. :o)
Ree (the other one) saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Bossy @ Starbucks. Bossy making venti skinny vanilla lattes. Hmmmmmm. I may have to move closer to Bossy’s town.
Lizzy saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I can’t go into Starbucks anymore because of the poverty thing. It seems darling husband can’t justify my caffeine needs when they cost somewhere between 4-6 dollars/cup.
What price sanity, dear husband?
Lizzy saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 12:58 pm
p.s. (I can never remember everything I want to say. Probably has something to do with the caffeine issue)
I appreciate the glass of wine and the pill case in the picture. Life would be empty without ’em.
David saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Does Bossy’s daughter only like cold hard-boiled eggs? Because Someone in a Tree doesn’t understand that if there were eggs available to be scrambled, why couldn’t they be hard-boiled as well? It even takes less effort, so it’s a win-win.
Clearly I’m missing some integral element of Bossy family dynamics that would have made the answer to this transparent.
Do I really have to blah blah blah again?
Reeb saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Voted. Again. Getting tired of being behind. Don’t get your (our) sense of self-worth from this election. We’ve picked you, your loyal 1,877 votes worth of fans and friends.
What’s in the pill case? I know what’s in the glass.
Chesapeake Bay Woman saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 1:11 pm
A Letter of Recommendation for Bossy:
Dear Potential Employer,
I recommend Bossy for the position of Acquisitions Specialist, where acqusition specialist = grand amasser of husbands and boyfriends. Her attention to detail in this area is unparalleled; and the service she provides is nothing short of astonishing.
For example, this spring she traveled across country in a record-breaking journey to visit all her fans. En route, she managed to acquire not one, not two, not three, not four, but countless boyfriends and husbands – practically one for every state she visited.
Bossy shows no favorites and is an equal opportunity Acquisitions Specialist – from cowboys to movie stars; Saturn representatives to sellers of seafood. She would have had the Roloffs in Oregon if only there were time to stop and utilize her stalking prowess.
Perhaps her greatest skill is in Excel, where Excel is short for Excellent which also happens to be a synonym for Bossy and her blog.
Reeb saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Oh yeah, I was wondering about the available for scrambling but not hard-boiling egg mystery too.
BOSSY saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Hard boiling: kind of long. Boiling water and all.
Scrambling: super quick.
Bossy’s daughter: always running late.
Howard saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 1:30 pm
You’ve got to stop! I’ll have Cameron call you and tell you the horror of working for Starbucks! Unless, we’re enemies now… in that case, fill it out faster!
Lance saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I’m sorry, I just can’t order venti or grande etc…..I’m still a small, medium and large kinda guy and my head is too thick. I think Bossy might want to reconsider her sanity before workin’ for the man…..especially that man. And by the way, Starbucks has come dangerously close to bankrupcy twice as far as I can remember. But they do push good drugs legally!
POD saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Starbucks is laying off free thinkers.
operagal saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 1:51 pm
re: Not designing the whole set, mind you, but maybe just arranging the little things that sit on bureaus.
that’s a props person, and its not a hard job to get. You have to like: shopping, hot glue guns and long hours with little pay.
Domestic Goddess (in training) saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I am an HR professional (or at least I used to be) and I think if you used those answers and glued on some sparkles or glitter, I would totally hire you.
Anna Russell saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 2:11 pm
See, now I would pay the average GDP of a small country for a coffee if someone like you was there to entertain me while I drank it. Well, when I say “would” I mean “would if I could” – but that gorgeous house isn’t mine either, so I can’t. But you catch my drift. Or you would. Maybe.
Funny stuff, I’ll be back for more.
HAGERDASH saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Well, considering how many Starbucks are closing or have been closed in recent months, I’m thinking . . . get a bicycle with a basket up front and start your own ‘freshly brewed coffee’ delivery service. Yum!
Stacey Ball saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I think that I especially like that you are filling this out while drinking wine and taking meds!
Lauren saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Is Bossy for real? Bossy is too cool and talented for Starbucks. Has Bossy searched craigslist for jobs? There are a lot of freelance and contract writing/editing opportunities out there. I wish I could hire Bossy…
Liz saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 3:02 pm
LOL Too funny! Love the college part!
Found you via PDub.
Gigi saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Q: “Have you ever visited a Starbucks location?”
A: Ha ha ha ha ho ho hee hee *snort* hiccup
Jenn @ Juggling Life saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 3:36 pm
You know I’m faithful when I’m told “You voted less than 24 hours” ago.
I think Starbucks is a great job for a mostly SAHM and kickass blogger who just needs to make a little extra coin.
Gigi saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 3:37 pm
P.S. I now have a seething resentment for the previously unknown to me Comics Curmudgeon. Call me Bossy’s Curmudgeon.
Debby saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Bossy, do you get an employee discount? Because I could never work for somewhere without an employee discount.
Forget that I’ve been at current nameless Big Oil company for 8 years without a single fracking gas card once…
Cat saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 5:52 pm
That’s really weird because I was just in Starbuck’s yesterday thinking this wouldn’t be a bad place to work, maybe I’ll apply, but of course, I didn’t.
Chicky Chicky Baby saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Oh fer chrissake, you’re applying for dog trainer to the stars too?
HeyJoe saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 6:24 pm
What Lance said.
And here I thought blogging paid such big bucks. I figured I was just doing it wrong, where wrong equals for free.
Cactus Petunia saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Wow. I’m beginning to suspect Bossy and I are twins separated at birth. And not identical. And with different parents. And born years apart. (I think we were born in the same geographic region of the country, though) And I went to college, and then I went to another college, and then I thought it would be smart to go to yet another college, and now I’m almost dead from old age, but I’m planning to go back to college again…or maybe I’ll go to dog training school instead.
I used to work for starbucks. And I filled out my application while drinking a margarita, I’m pretty sure. (It’s been a few years) I think I got the job because I said I LOVED coffee, and everything about it. So there’s my employment tip for the day. Good Luck!
kate saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 8:12 pm
i would totally go to the starbucks where BOSSY works.
Mr Farty saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 9:26 pm
When they start calling them small, medium and large I’ll think about it. Or when BOSSY starts working there.
Jenny, Bloggess saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Did you get hired? If not it’s probably because you’re not supposed to say “black”. It’s “African American”.
Michelle M. saysJanuary 9, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Lee from MWOB saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 12:02 am
I can NOT believe you are not winning for best humor blog. I am voting…whenever you remind me to. 🙂
And I would hire you to basically do anything….like write my blog. If I had the money of course. 😉
Stephanie saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 1:27 am
I worked for SBUX for 5 years; I have nothing bad to say about my experience.
It’s a job you can do and then go home with no stress. You get to meet interesting people and you get to gab with your customers.
Yes, you do get a discount, and a free lb of coffee a week, plus all the coffee you can drink whilst you are on the clock.
Let us not forget they also offer medical benefits, a 401K plan and a lovely stock options program. It may not be fancy, but it ain’t nothin’.
I’m actually considering going back this summer myself, when I’m off from teaching.
And FYI, you can totally use a story from serving your kids as an example for good customer service; or serving your “customers” here on the blog.
Hula Hank saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 3:03 am
Your tone in this post is a little bit bitchy and resentful, which I believe will make you perfect for a job Starbucks.
Momo Fali saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 10:57 am
Pictures of pills and a martini glass should help get you the job.
Becca saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Bossy should totally come and work in Starbucks near my office, it might be a massive commute though.
Auds at Barking Mad saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Bossy should come work at the Starbucks here in Maine where I live because then maybe I would get the tall Peppermint Twist Mocha I ordered and not the Pumpkin *gag* spice *gag* latte I ended up with that nearly gave me a seizure!
meleah rebeccah saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 2:28 pm
“Eggnog Peppermint Dolce Mocha Latte decaf half-frap Caramel Macchiato Vivannos.”
HA HA HA
Oddly, that does sound delicious.
And nothing goes better with eggs than burnt butter.
Maria saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 2:39 pm
You have to read “How Starbucks Changed My Life” if you a haven’t already or if no one has already suggested it. because bossy has too many comments for me to read on a Saturday.
Asianmommy saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Cool–now you can get your Eggnog Peppermint Dolce Mocha Latte decaf half-frap Caramel Macchiato Vivannos for free!
caleal saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Can Bossy come work at the Starbucks by my school? I need someone on the inside who can slip me free drinks on the sly. What with the whole 52 cents in my bank account thing, I haven’t been able to go to Starbucks in TWO WEEKS.
jenB saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Blah Blah fooey I vote for you daily, so suck it. 🙂
Briget saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Briget would like to work for Starbucks, too. She’s a tea drinker and hates coffee, but, hey…health insurance. For part-time employees. She’ll learn to love coffee, dammit.
rusty saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 7:40 pm
So many skills Starbucks takes for granted!
operagal saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 10:09 pm
so how many BOSSY readers think an SBUX corporate drone is reading this blog now?
kim at alllconsuming saysJanuary 10, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Wait. If you had eggs to scramble then why didn’t you just hard boil them instead?
Confused. This is going to preoccupy my brain for hours now.
mom101 saysJanuary 11, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Let me know if you need a reference. I can attest to the fact that I saw you pour coffee once and did not even spill any. That’s got to count for something.
Also I think Jenny is onto something – is there a place to check off that you’re Black? Because it might help.
Leaf, probably... saysJanuary 11, 2009 at 11:13 pm
I’ll be taking a tour of my very own starbucks application form soon… That or begging for money on the side of the street….
janny226 saysJanuary 12, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Glad to know I’m not the only one pondering a corporate coffee gig! I must be desperate to even consider a job anyplace that might require me to get up even earlier than I get up now (6 am) …
Melanie @ MelADramatic Mommy saysJanuary 12, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I see a similar application in my future. Good luck!
Mary@Everyday Baby Steps saysJanuary 13, 2009 at 12:37 am
Hell, I’d hire you! You seem eminently qualified to me.
jen saysJanuary 14, 2009 at 9:52 am
Wait. Are you really going to be a bossy barista?? Please to request a specialty beverage? I’d like a grande vodka valium mocha frappalatte. With whip. Please. Thank You.
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