But what Bossy never told you is that the very first Ikea in America was built on the outskirts of Bossy’s very own city in 1985. And one of the first people through that sliding door was Bossy and her boyfriend.
Bossy’s boyfriend back then was much older and already had an apartment of his own, decorated in a style Bossy likes to call, Early American Piss Wicker. Piss Wicker meaning that nearly all of his furniture was made of wicker — coffee tables, hampers, mirror frames, chairs — and every ounce of those interlaced branches had absorbed the odor of the cat box.
Bossy was delighted when one day her boyfriend announced he wanted everything in his apartment to be either Black or White. Bossy wasn’t delighted by his rigid schemes which carried over into other areas of his life like, Will Only Wear Solid Color T-Shirts Without Logos, but Bossy was delighted that the piss wicker could be propelled out the second story window in the general direction of the dumpster.
So through the Ikea sliding doors Bossy and her boyfriend went that day in 1985, and hours later emerged with carton after carton of black and white pressboard that filled every inch of the Mercury Capri.
Bossy eventually broke up with that boyfriend, but her relationship with Ikea continued. Bossy’s experience with Ikea products reads like the glossary in the back of their catalogue. Bossy has purchased and built sofas and upholstered chairs and coffee tables and kitchen cabinets and hutches and bed frames, and she’s jammed hundreds of downy comforters into splashy duvet covers.
Bossy and her mother used to joke that they should stand in the Ikea parking lot and rent themselves out to people who needed expertise in putting the furniture together — and then someone started this very business and made millions of dollars while Bossy and her mother flogged themselves with bags of frozen Swedish meatballs.
Not to mention: if Bossy had a dollar for every Billy bookcase she has built, she’d still be very poor and maybe she wouldn’t have Carpal Tunnel syndrome, but you know what Bossy means.
She means she loves Ikea.