Bossy is a firm believer in moderation. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say Bossy is a firm believer in moderation except when it comes to raw cashews and wine and staying up late and Tastykakes and loud music and sauces of every variety and stands of peonies and cute boots and cheese slathered on crunchy bread and windows rolled all the way down or hiked all the way up — and aluminum in her antiperspirant.
Bossy loves aluminum in her antiperspirant, and she knows this because she has been inadvertently slathering a film of aluminum under her arms every day for approximately a lifetime, give or take a few dewy years spent in diapers.
This is Bossy’s brand of antiperspirant, and has been for as long as she can remember, which granted isn’t very long given her aluminum poisoning, in fact what was Bossy saying? Mitchum.
Bossy especially likes Mitchum’s slogan, “So effective you could skip a day!” And do you know why, Mitchum? Because there is residual aluminum left on the skin. Under your arms. Aluminum.
Aluminum compounds act as astringents that close pores and prevent sweat and any associated odor from escaping the body. Note this doesn’t mean the sweat and odor have been obliterated, it means all of the toxins associated with sweat and odor have nowhere to go, so they convene in the sweat and lymph glands.
Another problem: antiperspirants are made to be absorbed, and as luck would have it, heavy metal likes to accumulate in the brain:
One solution is to switch to a deodorant that doesn’t contain antiperspirant qualities — these products work to eliminate the bacteria associated with body odor, but don’t prevent the body from perspiring.
Another solution is to switch to an antiperspirant product that doesn’t contain aluminum. Bossy has tried a few of these products, where a few equals two because Bossy is crap at math:
Oh good, Bossy can see the Tom’s she has been using is actually a deodorant and not an antiperspirant even though this post is about the natural antiperspirants Bossy tried for the sake of your entertainment, because Bossy gives until she breaks a sweat! A stinky, stinky sweat because Tom’s doesn’t work.
Next Bossy’s mom suggested this brand, found at most health food stores:
Oh good! Bossy can see this also isn’t technically an antiperspirant which means this post holds absolutely no water, which is a coincidence because Bossy doesn’t hold water either — instead it collects in dark circular rings under her arms!
This Crystal stuff was useless, but maybe that’s because Bossy didn’t know you’re supposed to wet the Crystal thing before each use, which could explain why it hurt so much to rake the dry stone across the peachy underarm.
So, how about it, Bossy’s council? Anyone have a decent, natural, aluminum-free antiperspirant or deodorant to recommend?