This tale begins this past Tuesday, when Bossy was leaving Detroit on a cold rainy morning. Since Bossy’s next scheduled obligation wasn’t for a couple of days, Bossy thought it would be fun to honeymoon with (Harrison) Ford in Niagara Falls NY, since it was the halfway point to her next (No) Book Tour meet-up in Western Massachusetts.
By all calculations, the quickest, easiest route between Detroit and Niagara Falls passes through Canada:
But Bossy didn’t want to take that route, because Bossy enjoys spending an additional two hours in her car in order to go the long way around Lake Erie, getting trapped in a progression of road construction nightmares across Detroit, then Toledo, and finally Cleveland.
So Bossy drove and drove, and when she was plain tired of that she drove some more.
Bossy’s excitement mounted as she neared Niagara Falls, what with the Seven Wonders of the World business, even if Niagara Falls is on the Seven Forgotten Natural Wonders of the World list and not on the, for instance, Seven Wonders of the Ancient World list or even the Seven Wonders of the Medieval Mind list.
In no time which was actually six hours’ worth of time, Bossy was exiting the highway and discovering Niagara Falls, NY for herself — and Bossy could instantly see why decades’ worth of honeymooners make the trek to this romantic destination:
In addition to the majestic landscape, there’s an endless supply of charming and very romantic lodging for the newly hitched:
The first thing Bossy did was retire to her own hotel for a good night’s sleep, where good night’s sleep equals sister mercy is there anyone in the known universe who doesn’t know Bossy can’t sleep?
The next morning Bossy asked her hotel clerk for directions to the real Niagara Falls of it, stressing the need to stay on the American side, and these were the intricate directions according to the seasoned hotel professional: Make a lef’ and then another lef’ on Main Street.
So Bossy once again set out into the sun-dappled cityscape:
To be fair, Bossy recognizes that most cities are not particularly appealing toward the outskirts of town — especially in the case of Bossy’s own city — and so Bossy looked forward to making that lef’ on Main Street, which typically personifies all of the sweetest qualities of Americana:
So there was Bossy driving down Main Street as directed when all of the sudden, what have we here? A bridge. And, oh, it appears, yes, Bossy had crossed over into Canada and was facing down the Canadian border inspectors.
After a quick round of questions, Bossy was allowed to enter, but only after digging around (Harrison) Ford’s trunk for her passport, finally locating it inside the suitcase next to her left boot, underneath her Shabby Apple dress.
Bossy admits she was more than a little worried, because even though she was safely inside the Canadian border, she knew the more discerning crossing, considering her array of conflicting paperwork, would be the one returning her to the United States. So Bossy decided her best option was to view the falls as quickly as possible and keep a low profile doing it:
Shoving worry out of her mind if only momentarily, Bossy posed for a honeymoon photo with her newlywed husband, (Harrison) Ford:
And then Bossy meandered over to the wonder wrapped in a marvel tucked in a wow:
But soon it was time for Bossy to face her fears and cross back over to the American side:
And when Bossy was finally waved into position, this is the Border Patrol Inspector to whom Bossy was assigned:
“Michigan plates, huh?” was the first and only thing Vince Vaughn needed to say in order for Bossy to unleash a string of facts that went a little like this, “Road trip, Ford, Detroit, Pennsylvania, website, 12,000 miles, blogger, six weeks, didn’t mean to cross to the Canadian side, bad hotel directions, Main Street, sponsored, tired, life over. Please.”
“The view is better from over there anyway,” he said. “Welcome home.”
GrandeMocha says
May 13, 2010 at 12:32 pmDid you marry Vince Vaughn? And honeymoon in an itchy motel?
Corinne says
May 13, 2010 at 12:33 pmBossy was in…passed through…Erie, PA and didnt’ stop to say hello??!!! Glad you made it back to the good ole’ U.S. of A.!
Suniverse says
May 13, 2010 at 12:36 pmI’m glad you made it safe and sound! And the view is better in Canada. So are the hotels.
Jennatjugglinglife says
May 13, 2010 at 12:36 pmI must say that from the hipstamatic perspective Canada looks a lot nicer than the U.S. It’s probably just the app.
WebSavvyMom says
May 13, 2010 at 12:39 pm–>This member of the Council wants to know if BOSSY is now saying “Eh?” after every question and declarative sentence after visiting Canada, eh?
(P.S. My Mom is Canadian. eh?)
~deb
http://www.WebSavvyMom.com
Audubon Ron says
May 13, 2010 at 12:41 pmYou prolly never seen that series Locked Up Abroad.
habanerogal says
May 13, 2010 at 12:41 pmFunny thing is that Vince Vaughan recently married a Canadian woman, so there is a coincidence for you there. Or is it an irony either way it is weird that you accidentally went to Canada next time come here on purpose.!!!
Meg T. says
May 13, 2010 at 12:42 pmso maybe I am hormonal, but that last little bit got me all choked up….the rest of it though, per usual had me in stitches.
Charlie says
May 13, 2010 at 12:45 pmAm enjoying these posts immensely. I wish Ford would sponsor me to drive x-country in my 1972 Ford Maverick. That’d be a sight, now wouldn’t it. PS – Glad Mr Vaughn went easy on ya.
MommyTime says
May 13, 2010 at 12:46 pmOh, if only we had known the Canada side would be so easy to accomplish! The approach to the falls from the Canada side is like a miracle of roadside wonder: you meander along the meandering river that slowly but surely turns into a WALL of water feet thick but still deceptively smooth as glass before it crashes into a gazillion pieces over the edge of the falls.
Actually, come to think of it, that’s the approach to the falls on the Canada side coming from the East. So even if you’d done the north-of-Lake-Erie thing, you wouldn’t have gotten that. *phew* I feel better now that I didn’t completely steer you wrong. (Yes, this post is all about me, apparently.)
Kait says
May 13, 2010 at 12:46 pmOMG that is so funny. As if Canadian border guards would lock you up. If you carry a gun they will run away, it’s in their contract. I say we should give the border guards guns and even it out but this is Canada you know and we don’t want anyone to get hurt.
Sorry your visit was so short but the police station looks lovely. Come visit us on purpose next time. Vancouver specifically. 🙂
Gramps says
May 13, 2010 at 1:01 pmSigh—as a born and raised in Canada but now American, I can say without trepidation, you missed the best part by not going via Canada from Detroit.
But as Kait said—-do Vancouver!!!!!
Carroll says
May 13, 2010 at 1:08 pmYay for happy endings!!
Jami says
May 13, 2010 at 1:27 pmThey probably went easy on you coming back in because you weren’t on the “No Fly” list. Nor apparently on the “No Drive” list, either. Or maybe because PA passports are recognized by the US government.
Whatever the reason, welcome back to the country that really loves you!
Z. Mulls says
May 13, 2010 at 1:28 pmThe Z. Mulls household will be standing on THAT VERY SPOT in early August. We will look for the commemorative Bossy plaque at the Falls.
rockle says
May 13, 2010 at 1:33 pmOne of the best vacations we ever had was in Niagara Falls. I suspect it was because we stayed on the Canadian side, in a room that allowed me a view of the falls from a GIMUNGOUS bathtub. I love Niagara Falls. Next time you should go to the thing with the butterflies!
Ambry says
May 13, 2010 at 1:34 pmLast summer, Momma got into Canada no problem, but played hell getting back into the motherland. & she was only there less than an hour! I’m glad you made it back Bossy!
Deb (N0) Blog says
May 13, 2010 at 1:36 pmBossy’s (no)Book INTERNATIONAL Tour, baby!!
steph says
May 13, 2010 at 1:39 pmI just love this.
Galiene says
May 13, 2010 at 1:54 pmwell dang. I live in a little town about 20 miles from “The Falls”, NY, and wish I’d known you were coming thru! The falls are awesome no matter which side you view them from, but unfortunately the city on this side is sorely lacking. I could have shown you a couple of beautiful small historical villages (Lewiston and Youngstown) with great places to dine and sleep over within a 15 to 20 minute drive further north of the Falls, along the river. Next time, call me!!
d
Maureen in IL says
May 13, 2010 at 2:17 pmBossy sure knows how to keep me on the edge of my seat with her (no) Book Tour updates. First the Donner Pass white out story that had me worried about Bossy & Harrison, now this story worrying if Bossy will indeed make it back home. Who knew (no) book tours are fraught with such peril? Perhaps Bossy should write a book about the (no) book tour, no? Then we can have another Bossy tour. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
km says
May 13, 2010 at 2:38 pmOh Bossy. I was too tense to enjoy this. I’m a naturalized citizen here in the US but still have the heeby-jeebies as a former green card-holding, Irish accented foreigner who got cold sweats everytime she came back here from the auld sod. …
In addition I would like to add, Arizona – stick it up your a**. I was in Vegas last week and we purposely didn’t go visit you and drop several dollars in your state. Even though we weren’t born here we wouldn’t be the ones racially profiled for a stop but some other poor US born brown shlub might be. There’s something wrong with that. In addition and furthermore, all of the degenirates from my family who go to Vegas on holidays will not go take a look at your state either. We calculated that you have lost about 20K a year from our extended family in sandwiches and beverages:) Power to the Paddies !!!
Off bitter soapbox now.
Just Juli says
May 13, 2010 at 3:38 pmBossy – it appears that you may have forgotten one critical “to-do” while in Canada…. Did you get your amazing Canadian chocolates from the Duty Free???? If not, then you missed out on one key part of the Canadian experience.
Also, Vince Vaughn was right, the view is better from the Canadian side. Greedy Canucks! 😉
Robin says
May 13, 2010 at 3:53 pmCorinne, I am from Erie, too. I live in IN currently, but my sisters live there. If Bossy had come to Erie, I’d have had another great reason to get home!
pkzcass says
May 13, 2010 at 4:22 pmOne of your funniest posts ever.
Teeny Tina says
May 13, 2010 at 4:52 pmWell we did Niagara Falls, Canada side as a family of four on the cheap and we were so grossed out by that city once you left the one main drag that we left a day early and lost one night’s motel fees. Ugh. Double Ugh. And yes, I am Canadian, and it still grossed me out. Dirty, tired, sketchy, run down, they really need to plug some money into something other than the main drag. But hey the Butterfly Conservatory and the Aviary were absolutely awesome. So was the falls 🙂 It’s just everything else… ugh…
meribon says
May 13, 2010 at 5:00 pmYay for the Falls! Grew up in Buffalo, and my family used to trek over there every once in awhile for Chinese food, as my folks were convinced it tasted much better on the other side of the Niagara.
Frimmy says
May 13, 2010 at 6:20 pmMake no mistake Bossy, the Canadian town of Niagara Falls is just as blighted outside the main attraction area.
Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) says
May 13, 2010 at 6:46 pmAlways knew he was a good guy… despite those awful movies he makes! Are you actually ENJOYING this trip bossy? Seems awfully rushed to me… wish I could’ve been there with you at Viagra Falls. heh.
🙂
Bb
ZDub says
May 13, 2010 at 7:13 pmCan’t. Stop. Laughing.
LOVE THIS!
Little Miss Sunshine State says
May 13, 2010 at 7:44 pmWhen we stopped at the border to the Canadian side, our kids were in the backseat, muttering “Why are you making us call you Mom and Dad? We don’t WANT to go to Canada!” I was glaring at them, muttering “Shut up. SHUT UP!!”
I’m glad the border patrol let you come back!
KathyB says
May 13, 2010 at 9:34 pmThat PA passport is golden. And of course you looked guilty as sin, but Vince Vaughn is so nice it didn’t matter.
At least your husband didn’t want to drive over the falls.
leslie h (in MD) says
May 13, 2010 at 10:04 pmIn all my years of living in Michigan (7.5, to be exact) I never once thought to go to Niagara Falls via Canada. But TODAY, at my advanced age, I would so TOTALLY do that. Well, not in a sponsor car, with an open bottle of screw-top wine, but, well, you know…
Well Read Hostess says
May 13, 2010 at 10:11 pmbig trip, border crossing, car, bossy, driving, no book tour, yeah yeah yeah.
What I want to know is: did you get that guy’s number?
Paula says
May 13, 2010 at 10:32 pmAnd here I was looking forward to the Toronto council summary of the (no) Book Tour since it was on the list. (Lamented – unnecessarily it seems – that I couldn’t make it).
Main Street, Niagara Falls NY – seriously the scariest place I’d ever been and it was at a Saturday afternoon wedding.
elz says
May 13, 2010 at 10:40 pmI love your wording-“wonder wrapped in a marvel tucked in a wow.” Even after 11,000+ miles, BOSSY still knows how to write.
helenel says
May 13, 2010 at 11:26 pmYou can’t put that extra “e” in Massachusetts, because then it makes it sound like we’re all wearing go-go boots and twirling batons, a la Majorettes.
“And now….introducing……the MassachusETTES!”
(Wave as you go past the 495N exit on the Pike. Sorry to miss you on Saturday!)
helenel says
May 13, 2010 at 11:28 pmAlso, I thought the whole “viagra falls” things indicated something phallic about that faucet, so I stared at it for a while. :^)
linlah says
May 13, 2010 at 11:43 pmWelcome home indeed.
Lori in MN says
May 14, 2010 at 12:04 amI always wanted to see Vancouver, Banff, Thunder Bay and Canadian Niagra Falls but recently found out that a DUI from a previous life will prohibit this. I’m so glad you were there and back and saw Vince Vaughn.
Suzanne says
May 14, 2010 at 9:10 amhehe This is one of your best. Can’t seem to stop laughing. It may be the sleepless nights delirium, or the fact that my life is so sad I took off half a day of work to mow my lawn 😉 but no… I think you’re pretty funny and this one is good.
Have more fun!
DawnA says
May 14, 2010 at 9:13 amWhew. That certainly sounded like a close call. Glad you made it back to the homeland safe and sound. May your safe travels continue!
kristin @ going country says
May 14, 2010 at 9:18 amI am getting the sense you did not so much care for the dreary gray of upstate New York? Yeah. Me neither.
sherry says
May 14, 2010 at 10:04 amWent to Niagara Falls as a teen on a band exchange trip. Could have spent days staring at those Falls! Regret I was too chicken to take the Maid of the Mist tour. First thoughts now are the Love Canal tragedy and reading Joyce Carol Oates “The Falls”. In fact, everything I’ve read by JCO kinda makes me want to throw myself over a rail…
Sewmouse says
May 14, 2010 at 11:45 amOh Bossy! I have twice stood at that VERY SAME SPOT where the railing is so close to where the water drops over the edge… and both times got so queasy from vertigo that I had to go to a bench and sit down with my head on my knees for a while to recover.
If I weren’t at work right now, I’d be sitting like that here to recover from the vertigo you probably didn’t get because you’re not as much of a wussy as me.
Tootsie Farklepants says
May 15, 2010 at 12:52 amI totally would have had my husband meet me in one of those motels. I probably would never have made it to the falls….and what was I saying…?
Half Assed Kitchen says
May 15, 2010 at 11:19 amBossy could sweet talk any border patrol guy into her letting her in. You needn’t have worried.
Kimberly Loomis says
May 16, 2010 at 4:39 amOnce upon a time my husband (who was ‘boyfriend’ at the time), me, my two dogs and our cat moved to a little city named Blaine. Blaine is the last city in Washington before Canada. I was driving our car, packed to the gills with our stuff including the dogs and cat. My husbandboyfriendatthetime drove his car full to the brim with our stuff including various firearms. For some reason he decided to follow me.
Bad idea.
I missed our exit and we had to go into Canada, only to turn around and come back into the states. The Canadian guy was slightly amused and let us through without any question.
The American guy, however, heard my story and did not look for a moment like he believed me. As I search for my ID one of my dogs JUMPS OUT MY WINDOW.
Said dog then runs to the nearest tree and proceeds to urinate on it…lifted leg and all. I get out, get my dog back to my car just before our other dog jumps out, too. The cat is meowing and my husband looks absolutely SICK in the car behind me watching all of this go on. Remember, he has the firearms?
But we both get through unscathed and my husband never let me lead a caravan ever again. That was ten years ago.
The end.
Ps. Your blog is awesome!
Gail K. says
May 16, 2010 at 10:46 amThe Canadian side rocks! DH and I took our first vacation there as boyfriend and girlfriend way back before passports and all that were needed. I actually have a poster sized photo that I took of the falls just over my right shoulder even as we speak.
Of course, the rest of the Ohioans and I are ticked that you drove through, commented on our bridges and left. But since I am a transplanted Bay Stater (Massachusetts) I am even more ticked because I am not there!
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy says
May 17, 2010 at 1:31 amOne would think NY wouldn’t make it so easy to get lost and end up in another country. Glad Vince let you back in.
foolery says
May 17, 2010 at 2:42 pmI am SO relieved. Soon as I read the “make a lef’ then another lef'” directions I was sure you had put Harrison Ford over the falls, Toonces the Driving Cat style.
You could blame it on the bad directions, but glad you don’t have to.