According to the above billboard located on an interstate near Bossy’s house, the end of the world will take place this coming Saturday.
Apparently it was Camping that predicted Judgment Day would be May 21, 2011 — but Bossy knows the real camping judgment day was an afternoon in August two years ago:
In whatever case, Bossy feels there are a few unexplored benefits of having only two more days left of the world. Shall we?
- Bossy won’t have to weed her garden. Yes, that’s a garden.
- Bossy won’t have to order next year’s wood for her wood pile. Yes that’s a wood pile.
- Bossy will never have to determine if that thing on Stella’s ear is a tick or a scab. Shiver.
- Bossy won’t have to yell at her family for the stuff always accumulating on the steps.
- This tangled necklace can go screw itself.
- Bossy won’t have to drink this lousy cup of coffee she burnt while it was reheating on the stovetop. Oh, wait. Yes she will.
- Bossy won’t have to think about which of these dysfunctional clothing items should go to Goodwill.
- Bossy will never ever never have to finish this whiney book.
- Bossy won’t have to think of a 9th benefit of the upcoming rapture!
- Ditto for the #10 benefit.
What can you avoid doing, esteemed council, with the fortunate timing of the end of the world?
Ack! I read that horrible book for book club. We are a semi-diverse group of women, and we all hated that book. HATED it. Just put it down now and sell it to someone, don’t waste any more of your time trying to read it. Trust me, it doesn’t end well. The only satisfactory way for that book to end is to lock all the characters up together in a room, force them to be polite to eachother, and then let them die a quick death.
First, I want to say thank you for saying that book is whiny. I couldn’t stand it either and thought something was wrong with me because so many said it was “amazing”. I so do not get it.
I won’t have to finish this data analysis, laundry and the eighty million half finished sewing/knitting projects. I will be sad to miss our family vacation to Disney in a couple weeks, though.
Don’t worry, if that was a tick you’d know. Blick.
I will avoid cleaning my bathroom, doing my laundry and cooking next week’s lunches. And that’s just a beginning. Although, I don’t really expect to be, er, beamed (?) up ’cause I’m not exactly heaven material so maybe I’ll have to do all that anyway.
Ami! Thank you! I am so glad I am not the only one. I read it to the end thinking something interesting was going to happen. SPOILER ALERT: it didn’t.
I have a tangled necklace that can go screw itself, too. And that nasty tub of the six year old’s undies, soaking there in the utility sink for the past few days? Screw that, too!
First let me thank Bossy for saving me the trouble of even starting Franzen’s book. I have this little game I play, where I go to a bookstore, find a copy of Franzen’s prior book, ‘The Corrections,’ open to a random page and read about 2 pages. I tell myself I’ll buy it if I can find one sentence that’s not self-indulgent crap. No luck yet. And since the Rapture is nigh, I can stop playing that silly game.
Also thanks for the photos of Bossy’s garden and woodpile, tho I still think that our yard (which the Army Corps of Engineers Calls “Impact Zone 666”) and woodpile (which they call “are you kiddin’ me?”) are in worse shape.
And what does Bossy mean, the steps aren’t storage space? Sheesh.
Happy Rapture to all who are going to Heaven! And can I have your stuff?
No cleaning the toilet or washing the dishes or vacuuming the carpet or picking up dirty clothes or … wait, that will be just like every other day. Never mind.
I also did NOT like “Freedom”. Nor was I particularly enamored of “Eat, Pray, Love”.
There will be a Looting Party for everyone left behind, BTW. I’m eyeballing a new red Jag and some matching killer strappy stilettos.
Ditto stair situation which has been STRESSING ME OUT.
Also, necklace, but replace necklace with lost diamond earring that dh hasn’t been informed about because it’s ont he carpet in the bedroom, unless it fell down the drain, and if the world ends Saturday he will NEVER KNOW
I’m getting my hair cut on Saturday morning. Just in case.
Gosh, I hope he’s wrong (again). The 21st is my son’s 14th birthday.
I’m a godless heathen, so I will have to do next week’s classwork for my graduate degree. Sigh.
Actually, the End of the World (I like to add “as we know it” when I say that ’cause then you can’t get that song outta your head) isn’t supposed to officially happen until October 21st. This Saturday’s event is The Rapture, wherein all the faithful will rise up and leave the rest of us Heathens and Unrepentant Sinners to party till the end. (Which explains the Monkees coming out of retirement…a sure sign of the coming Apocalypse) So quit worrying about the stairs. Nobody will be around to judge after Saturday! (But get that dang tick off Stella!)
I heard some kind of announcement on the airwaves that suggested you get your affairs in order before Sat.
WHAT?
I will most definitely be left behind, which means I will still have to clean out “the office” or as I refer to it, my hoarder hole. *shudder*
I am running my first half marathon on Sunday morning and I will be SERIOUSLY pissed off if the world ends the day BEFORE the race I’ve been training for SINCE JANUARY.
However, I am hosting a cocktail party on Friday night and plan to eat the red velvet cake and have some champagne just in case, you know, the world does end the next day.
Hmmm… I have a mountain of laundry sitting in my living room. But I’m not too worried. On the slim chance I head up to heaven, I’m sure my dirty clothes will magically clean themselves. And on the more realistic chance that I’m left behind, I’m pretty sure I won’t have to worry about impressing any one with clean clothes. Either way, things are looking up!
What about the time differences in the world? Does it happen at the same time or are people taken in shifts? Things I will be pondering between now and then…LOL
Whatever happens, I just hope it gets Blondie’s “Rapture” song OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
I see I’ve been thinking about it all wrong. Like I had stuff I needed to get done before the apocalypse. No wonder I never get to the bottom of my to-do list. Now you can safely accept this without the corresponding homework:
http://www.suburbankamikaze.com/suburban_kamikaze/2011/05/seven-things-i-like-about-you.html
Congratulations and goodbye,
SK
1. Comes the Rapture, I will never shave my legs again — as God is my witness. Heh.
2. RE: Clampetts — around here we call that look “The Return of the Joads.” I remind Bossy and any other council members that my nineteen-year-old son fell through the ceiling of our carport when he was twelve. We’re still in the planning stages of getting it repaired.
I’m pretty pumped about never having to shave my legs again.
My husband won’t have to pay his speeding ticket and I can stop nagging him for getting said speeding ticket. Thanks for the heads up on the book. Whiny was the same word I used to describe Eat Pray Love…which I finished 2/3 of and finally decided I didn’t care enough about the whiny author to give it another second of my time. The whole time I was reading it I wanted to slap her.
Oh! Lots of things I won’t have to deal with: mammogram; stair situation worse than yours because mine involves legos; deciding whether or not to get my kids’ teeth sealed; the big blob of pancake batter cooked onto the stovetop. . .I could go on about it until May 21st. PS your closet is very tidy!
I won’t have to tell my co-irker just what a jerk he is. Though I kind of would like to.
I saw the Monkees during their 20th reunion tour, along with Herman’s Hermits, The Grass Roots, and Gary Puckett and the Union Gap. My mom yelled “Take off your pants!” at Gary Puckett. She’s going to have to explain THAT one to St. Peter on Saturday.
CS, pleeze, pleeze, pleeze get your kids teeth sealed. Mine weren’t and I had a bizzilion cavities. My kids had theirs sealed and ” look ma! NO cavities.” Cavities are the slippery slope that leads to crowns and root canals. I know they are your kids and you get to decide and all. I’m just saying.
When the Rapture comes, I can finally quit checking Wikipedia for trivia like whatever happened to the fourth Monkee?
I like the way Bossy’s stairs are decorated.
I bummed I’m not going to be able to find that new Belvedere Bloody Mary vodka before the rapture. Dammit!
Hated that book. Pointless.
for some fun take some of your old clothes that you don’t know what to do with, and place complete sets of them randomly around town on friday night (being careful not to get caught) then sit back and watch the confusion
i wonder how much money will disappear withe the preacher when he disappears on rapture day. i’m sure his trip to the azores with all the church funds will be quite rapturous. (skeptical? me?)
@OH-Ang: it’s supposed to be at 6:00 PM by time zone and will be preceded by earthquakes in each time zone. (That’s really the OFFICIAL WORD. Really.) So, if you’re going, but you’re not quite ready and you live, say, in Georgia near the border with Alabama, you can step across the line into Alabama and get an extra hour.
Olivia won’t have to worry about planting her garden, stacking wood, finishing her renovations, buying her beach pass – oh shoot . . . what happens to the 90 litres of wine that Olivia made last winter?
Olivia is staying behind – her rapture will be found in a bottle of wine . . . or 90.
I guess I could stop worrying about money…
I just hope it is before the party with the in-laws at noon.
Ruh-roh. I am afraid there won’t be enough time before Saturday to come visit each and every one of you who hated Freedom in order to read it out loud to you so you can point out the specific parts that aren’t perfect and then we can discuss over tea and crumpets and possibly several bottles of cabernet.
What Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said.
We may actually live in the same living room, but with all the laundry in there, who knows??
The upside to the world ending Saturday is that I won’t have to fix the ice maker or wash the mountain of dirty clothes that we have. The downside is that I won’t ever get to use my brand-new nursing degree that has consumed my time and energy (not to mention draining our finances) for the past three years. I guess I won’t have to worry about those student loans…
My daughter will graduate from high school on Sunday at noon. I am pretty sure most of the other 25 seniors and their families will also be at City Hall at noon. City Hall is definitely not getting “raptured.” We are an irreverent bunch, and for good measure we include plenty of Jewish types. We will stay behind to eat lots of cheesecake on Shavuot in three weeks.
See you all next week, p.j.
I am going to avoid thinking about the probability of whether the three street tacos, chips and salsa, and orange sherbet ice cream cone I ate tonight will make my ass and thighs get bigger overnight.
Off to the freezer for one more scoop.
Giving a tough speech on Sunday, in front of the 501(c)(3) I founded in 2003. This is my last real speech as president, and I’m just torn up about opening my hands and… letting it go. I mean, this is my BABY. And have I mentioned that I hate public speaking more than anything? I’d rather have a PAP SMEAR. So, while I’d mourn my pals who get raptured (I have absolutely every expectation that I, a Committed Heathen, will be Left Behind), I will NOT mourn a missed opportunity to give a speech. Because of COURSE I will not be giving a speech. I’ll be too busy looting. ;o)
Hopefully, I can avoid all those Christian fundamentalists who make life difficult for the rest of us. (Oh yeah, and I’m an Episcopal priest;-)
It’s my birthday–I’ll be 29!!! Guess I’ll end my second decade with a bang 🙂
I was in the States yesterday and saw that message plastered on a trailer. Daughter told me we should charge tix to Australia (where she SO wants to go) and leave immediately.
If I really believed the world was ending Saturday I would be really quite bummed as I am leaving for Holland on Sunday for a visit with my lil sis. I would be really pissed off that I spent the last week of my life cleaning, organizing and getting ready for the trip.
I am kind of looking forward to seeing what dude has painted on his trailer next 🙂
I’m looking forward to Saturday – because if they are right, that will be the very LAST time that I’ll have idiots coming to my door trying to force THEIR version of GAH onto me.
And I’ll never, ever, have to encounter them again – FOR ETERNITY!!!!
I can avoid having to pay my damn energy bill!!!
ew i have a job interview on monday for a job i don’t want! score 1 for the apocalypse!!!
I will not have to worry about shopping for a bathing suit, which means I think I will go and enjoy a bagel with cream cheese! Yahoooo!
I won’t have to keep coming up with plausible excuses about why I haven’t “found a church that fits me” to my pastor friend and his wife. They will have been lifted up already, I guess!
Mowing the lawn??? Screw it! Scooping shit out of the horse barn??? Screw it! Going to the ever-so-boring party my mother-in-law is throwing??? Screw it…and her! Car payment?? Screw it! Think I’ll get drunk and eat an entire bag of Doritos because it’s obviously not going to matter, is it?? 😉
I am anxiously looking forward to the spin machines post-Rapture trying to explain why we are all still here. Plus, I’m on the west coast, so I can just watch for news of what happens at 6:00 p.m. EDT and plan accordingly. Mostly I think I’ll just be enjoying some wine and planning for December 2012.
Well, then I guess I better raid the store for chocolate. To late to get the really good stuff (Belgian) and I can’t make it to the local chocolatier (no alcohol in their centers, dropped them a point) so its on for the cheap stuff. And when I won’t have to pay the bill! But now I won’t have to feel guilty for not reading Eat, Freedom, or any of the other must reads, cutting the grass which is to my knees, cleaning out the yard, the gardens, the garage, the basement, the attice or any of the other chores that have been waiting for a free day…
Not having to go to work next Monday. Weather this weekend is supposed to be beautiful, so those of us left behind will at least enjoy part of our stay here.
Follow up to #9! I found the earring! Now, I’m ready.
Well, except for the stair situation. Still there.
Never having to clean the house again: now that’s true rapture.
Can I get off this frickin’ diet now?
Finally. Permission to relax. Rapture, indeed.
Dunno….but I do need to find the lost Monkee!
I am sooooo excited for the judgment! I don’t know whether to throw a party or hide under my table and chew my nails down to nubbins. But I do know that my stairs look exactly like yours! Someone needs to invent stair cubby holes with doors for things we need to remember to carry up/down stairs.
I’m not going to floss tonight. Because fuck it, that’s why.
I’m not going to respond to opposing counsel’s Motion to Dismiss. It’s ugly anyway.
Six year old, once rebuilt, monster dlp television stopped using the color blue yesterday. Everything is orange and yellow and a little garish. After watching a few minutes if you look away all surfaces have a blue wash. Harbinger?
I’ll still set DVR to record the Preakness just because. Go Animal Kingdom!
I will not have to pretend that I enjoy my flower garden! I hate it with the fire of a million suns. I will be bummed that I’ll miss the marathon that I’ve been training for. 🙁 Oh well, I’m thinking that this whole thing is a hoax. GASP! 😉
I heard that it will occur at 6pm in each time zone. So, let’s party early today.
By the way, just finished a little gem of a book (my opinion) called I REMEMBER NOTHING by Nora Ephron. Probably has more meaning to us old farts
Ha! I love #5!
It is 6:01 here and no sign of an earthquake and there has been nothing on the news about other time zones, so I’m guessing this is the same deal as the rapture which didn’t amount to much.
17 minutes remaining of May 21 in the Atlantic time zone. I guess I need to put all this frickin’ laundry away.
Still kicking over here in BC Canada. I delayed deciding what to make for dinner to no avail. Still had to make it 🙂
Wondering why those near and dear to me still seem to be here and present. Oh yeah, we are all HEATHENS!!
Are you all gone and I’m the only one here?
You beeches are crazy, I loved that book. So glad the rapture didn’t happen so I can read it again and again and again.
qu.org/cheap-louis-vuitton-scarf-c-4.cfm louis vuitton sale authentic louis vuitton outlet uk wholesale louis vuitton zippy organizer wallet lv outlet store uk cheap louis vuitton luggage louis vuitton replica cheap louis vuitton cheap louis vuitton louis vuitton replica australia louis vuitton handbags outlet replica louis vuitton bags replica louis vuitton evidence sunglasses louis vuitton replica handbags sale online, new style & free shipping designer louis vuitton outlet store sell all sorts of high quality and cheap products hottest styles louis vuitton replica bags from our 2014 outlet online store, free shipping everyday top louis vuitton neverfull outlet louis vuitton replicas louis vuitton official website sunglasses replica louis vuitton backpacks purses
cheap mlb jerseys http://www.chicagoaccountantfinder.com/cheap-mlb-jerseys/