Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans: As most of you are aware, Bossy became separated from her husband last year, and tonight which is actually day, Bossy would like to give you a full update on all aspects of her Undivorce.
- Restoring the Economy. Bossy is happy to report she is now the recipient of an actual income surrounded by money wrapped around bundles of cash. This is because Bossy got a real job, which led to greater productivity, where greater productivity equals napping in the evenings.
- The Housing Crisis. It came to a merciful end when Bossy located an apartment one block from her family home.This triumph over a depressed economy was made possible due to Bossy’s Unemployment to Reemployment initiative.
- The House Stands Divided. Bossy and her Unhusband successfully divvied up household items, such as pots and pans and cutlery and glasses and utensils and cooking tools and bed linens and towels and photos and appliances and paintings and rugs and furniture and sister mercy electronics.
- Increased Spending. Yeah, the rising costs include paying for new things after the old, divvied up things seemed shabby in Bossy’s cute apartment.
- New Bills. Bossy has plenty of them. Electric bills and cable bills and gas bills and food bills. Send Bossy an economic reform bill that abolishes bills and she will sign it tomorrow!
- Climate change. Up went Bossy’s thermostat when home, and down went Bossy’s thermostat when not home, until Bossy was told it costs less to maintain at an even temperature. Speaking of the environment, Bossy is committed to clean energy, where clean energy equals the energy to clean.
- Economic Reform. Bossy is committed to insourcing and stable trade enforcement, which means Bossy will cook for you if you’ll return the chore in kind. Bossy is also in favor of the free market, because gosh darn Bossy’s local market is on the pricey side. Bossy also believes in nation building, where nation building equals those two kitchen stools purchased online that are yet to be assembled.And here at home Bossy supports the expansion of new plants.
- Foreign and Domestic Affairs. Yes.
- Healthcare Reform. Bossy dedicated herself to this important initiative by finally making those doctor appointments she’s been avoiding. Ophthalmologists, Endodontists, and Dermatologists are just a few of the specialists who consumed Bossy’s capital in exchange for attending to her private sector.
- No More Red Tape. Blue tape. Blue tape doesn’t stick to anything.
- More boots on the border. Here Bossy is referring to immigration, but truthfully she would support any plan involving boots.
In closing, Bossy wants you to know she and her kids and Unhusband have a destiny that is stitched together, like the American flag — or like the shoes you try on at Target. When the Bossy family works as a team, when they have each other’s backs, no challenge is too great, or mission too hard.
As long as the Bossy family maintains their common resolve, their journey moves forward, and the future is hopeful, and the state of their union — even an Ununion — will always be strong.
Thank you, and gah bless. (Applause)