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Bossy Explains What

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The elephant in the room.

Bossy has been missing from these pages that aren’t pages for many days folded inside weeks tucked inside months. It’s difficult to explain what happened, so naturally Bossy will try.

Nine months ago Bossy’s life took a sudden turn.

At first Bossy tried to maintain her writing schedule. She pushed ahead with challenges such as posting every day in March, forgetting March is one of those months with an extra day in it.

But despite Bossy’s writing efforts, there was something missing from the Bossy blog. Namely: Bossy.

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Bossy was missing because Bossy didn’t know how to write about the events in her life — and somehow that made everything else she tried to write seem less authentic.

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Bossy realized she couldn’t write another thing before explaining why she hasn’t posted in so long. And that realization caused a very funny phenomenon: the more days passed without Bossy writing an explanation, the more days passed without Bossy writing anything at all.

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Bossy began and deleted many explanation posts, as she sat staring at her blinking cursor:

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You see, back in September, Bossy had open heart surgery.

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Except unlike more typical heart surgery, Bossy’s sternum was split in two without a sedative, and it wasn’t so much about the eradication of disease, but the sudden cutting away of a person.

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Bossy’s recovery from her heart procedure involved the typical postoperative directives, such as avoid heavy lifting. And avoid everything else too.

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When not sleeping, Bossy felt the following way: Bossy felt like sleeping.

But Bossy felt other ways too. Bossy felt like an earthworm awaiting regeneration after being severed by a garden spade:

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And Bossy felt like everything she had been told and knew to be true was suddenly not:

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And Bossy felt like her mind had been sacrificed to a loop of details as she performed the forensics on her four year love affair:

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Maybe Bossy thought it was impossible to explain to her esteemed council what happened because the word what is undefinable.

Have you ever tried to explain the meaning of what?

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Perhaps that which is easier to describe than what, because it implies a relative term. And Bossy has those!

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These relatives supported Bossy when she was in her relationship, and they support her independence. Their collective strength of identity reminds Bossy the importance of character.

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Bossy apologizes for the months she kept her esteemed council waiting for Bossy to reemerge.

But in the end which isn’t really an end but a beginning, Bossy doesn’t regret her depth of feeling, which stole words straight from her fingertips.

Because depth of feeling is what provides roots sturdy enough to reach new heights.

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Bossy is back.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Oh Bossy… I don;t think you need to apologise. I was amazed that kept blogging as long and as well as you did… my heart broke a little for you too. So glad you had such a great support network – so important. Big, BIG hugs.
    ?
    BB

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  5. Madness also had this sort of open heart surgery 18 months ago. Her entire family hit the bottom so hard and so fast and broke into a million little pieces with one 15 year old boy sized piece missing the entire time..until now. We have picked up every single teenie tiny piece of our shattered lives and glued them back together one by one…and one week from Tuesday that 15 year old boy sized piece will return to us a happy healthy unbelievably transformed young man and our lives will have officially started over. We are back, too, Bossy and ding dang it feels so good. Congrats to you and yours old friend!

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  7. We all have our time to grieve for what happens in our lives. I’m so sorry for your loss and hope that your friends and family were able to keep you together for you to heal, somewhat.

    Welcome back, we missed you.

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  9. Oh, I’m so happy that Bossy is back. Suddenly, this feels like a wonderful day. The good thing about returning from a website absence? No cobwebs. Just lots of long smiley welcoming arms.

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  11. I’m sorry for your heartache (((hugs))). Glad to see you back. I always love to see a post from you pop up on my feed. You were missed…

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  12. So glad you’re back, and so sorry for the open heart surgery! Sometimes hunkering down and drawing in is the only way to go. I’m happy to see your words on my screen again, and I’m happy you’re in a place where you are ready to post once more!

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  13. We missed you. Strangely enough, I’ve been going through something similar. But if I had been forced to write about it to throngs of adoring fans, it would have been impossible. We understand. We can relate. We’re glad you’re back.

    Don’t beat yourself up. K.? We’re here.

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  14. I am ever so glad you are back. You know I heart you! I had a situation once that caused this sort of thing…only I kept writing. But I hated what I wrote. I felt like it was all crap, but I had to keep up the front. I was blathering on though I should have submitted to laryngitis. It was gross. The way you did it is probably better.

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  15. I think I know a bit about how you’re feeling. And I understand that not being able to blog about the one big thing in your life makes everything else flaccidly unbloggable, too.

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  16. This hit home since I had the same experience only it was a 13 year chunk that was suddenly not what I thought it had been but something ugly and sinister and void. To add to the joys of this awesome life experience I have been forced by the powers that be to continue to live in the same house as the executioner and his replacement for me for the last year… forced to see the same scenario being played out by a different actress and the same actor. Forced to be used as an excuse, a dividing wall, a trash can for the two of them to throw their shit that they can’t face or admit to one another. Ugly. SMH. Just ugly. I long for the day that I too can emerge from the dark depths of this shit storm to see and feel the sun shine again… I just hope I survive it.

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  17. Trying to comment for second time… just wanted to say ‘please don’t apologise’. No point in pretending that all is okay when it is clearly not… I am pretty sure I would not be able to string a sentence together in the same situation… big hugs from your Aussie mate.
    ?
    BB

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  18. Good for you, Bossy. I’m glad you’re back and I’m sorry that you had to experience “heart surgery.” I have been missing your posts.

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  20. Crazy. Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my best friend’s completely unexpected, sudden death. I SO get where you are coming from.

    Just starting to open the curtains after hiding in the dark since then. The sun feels good, doesn’t it?

    Get it, Bossy! xoxo

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  24. I started a new blog last year when my world exploded and vowed to write about it everyday..every step of the way. I didn’t forget that promise..i thought about it every single day and every single time I opened my laptop to start writing about it I shut it hard and fast. I didn’t write another word until yesterday when I announced that we had survived our ordeal. Your response has been..from what I experienced and what I’m reading here..perfectly normal and we are all just glad to have you back! With that said.no pressure either. If you wake up tomorrow and realize you’re still not quite ready please don’t feel obligated to any of us. Take care of you Bossy ????

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  26. Gosh, I teared up reading that. We’ve all experienced something like that. Most recently, it happened to my daughter, on Mothers Day. Her first love, two years strong, suddenly wasn’t so strong. She crumbled. I held her up and crumbled right with her. It hurt me to have her hurt. The emotional and physical side effects that she experienced were awful. I got her to the doctor and she’s now taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. It took a couple of weeks, but she’s better. Still broken hearted, but dealing with it really well.

    Bossy, if times get too dark for you, please don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Breakups are a death. We need to grieve and get through them the best way we can. But mostly it takes time and talking. If meds will help, get them.

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  27. I hit send before I was ready. One last thing, your thousands of reader friends are collectively giving you a massive hug. You can be real with us. We love you!

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  29. Hugs, sweet virtual friend.

    Most of us have had this same kind of heart surgery, so understand the “depths of despond” and the need to heal.

    It will get better. We’re glad you’ve recuperated enough to be with us again!

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  30. Yay Bossy ! I’m so glad you’re back, I’ve missed you so!
    On to the next chapter of your beautiful life 🙂

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  31. Whatever you can or can’t manage here in BossySpace, take care of yourself in the real world. So sorry for the manectomy. And these things are somewhat cumulative, you weren’t really done with the first one either.

    So along with everyone else, hugs, care, and gratitude for you being in our lives in some way,

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  33. I’ve missed you, Bossy. I have open heart surgery headed my way. Soon. Thank you for your honesty. And welcome back.

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  35. Oh, sugar. I am so sorry for your bruised and wounded heart, and so grateful for its resilience. My heart is pretty busted right now too. Hope I find the magic staple gun soon, cause I can’t stand much more o’ this nonsense. Much hugs and aloha to you.

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  37. I hope you knew that we would all be waiting for you with open arms once you decided to come back. Bless your heart, Bossy. I know this isn’t easy.

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  38. Glad you’re back and hopefully your heart will begin to heal. knowing you since you were 15 and not quite as Bossy, I have seen first hand the beautiful woman and person you have become. I know there are brighter days ahead.

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  44. –>You have been MISSED. I miss your blog updates, photos of Stella, your explanations of current events and where is John Cusack when you need him?

    -deb

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  50. Oh, sweets. Sending you so much love from across the mountains and wide open places. Your bones are so beautiful, and exceedingly strong. Here if ever you should need anything. Truly.

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  52. Two thumbs, eight fingers and ten toes up for Bossy’s return.

    “Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.” (Sung to the tune of “Welcome Back, Kotter.”

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  53. I may be the only one here who doesn’t exactly “get” what happened, but I know this: Bad crap happens, we ache, we heal and we come back, stronger than ever. It may not seem like it, but we are.

    Hang in there until you believe it. xoxo

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  56. Ok, for the man sized hole, I’m so very sorry.

    For the loss of writing, I’m even sorrier, but completely and utterly understand – thus the lack of a website to mention above.

    *hugs*

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  59. Yea Bossy!!!

    I’m glad you are healing. You deserved to give yourself the time, and it was smart to do so.

    Also, I think a Barbie reenactment of a recent news story is in order. I just love those!

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  60. Hello Bossy! This esteemed council member has checked back every Tuesday a.m. to see if Bossy had returned and every week was shocked to only see no new posting.

    I thought perhaps Bossy’s sunshine daughter experienced a catastrophic situation on her trip! I was worried for you both.

    You have had quite a few years of upheaval atop the usual craziness of growing kids into teenagers and beyond. !!!!

    Happy to know you’re starting to feel better and welcome back to the cyberfamily!

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  62. I second everything everyone else has said: you were missed, welcome back, sorry for the heartache. i will never forget that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that greeted me relentlessly each morning after my first heartbreak. Since then, the only thing that makes that horrible feeling bearable at all is remembering that it did, indeed, lessen, over time.
    Looking forward to you wading back in. Tell us about daughter’s Italy trip! And son’s presumably new post-graduation life. And Stella! Tell us about Stella. John Cusack has gone a little cray-cray. You can talk about that too…

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  63. We have missed you, of that there’s no doubt.
    Your prose is something we have done without.
    We knew you’d come back, so we didn’t pout.
    Something, something else elephant snout.
    (It’s still in the room, right?)

    Yes, you are back and have apparently brought some tears with you – at least here. I have a pretty good idea of the trip you have been on that necessitated your absence. We’ve been sending love and support, even though we weren’t sure why, but we know you and knew it could be used.

    I’m very glad you found your way back, and now I’m wondering when you’re coming back to Austin.

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  65. Welcome back. What a clever and entertaining way to talk about something almost every writer goes through — the blockage of the heart that stops the fingers from telling the story. I’m glad you’re healing.

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  67. I am so glad you’re back….but so sad you had such a difficult time. It’s good to know you’re ok.

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  69. I am glad you are back. Hang in there and take it one day at a time and before you know it, your life will be happy again. Time heals.

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  70. It’s a long, slow, EXTREMELY PAINFUL road back from that kind of open heart surgery. I can relate only too well, and am sorry that Bossy has had to go through this. Glad your healing is coming along, and you feel like blogging again.. Welcome back.

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  78. Writing your delightful take on the happenings in your life, good or bad, is like soul candy for us all. Please share. You are too special not to. Hug!

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  79. You never really went away as far as I’m concerned– think of you often, and hold a place for you in my heart. A Bossy-shaped hole, as it were. (OK, that sounded a lot sweeter and less creepy in my head.)

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  85. I hope you are ok! I really, really missed you. Big {{hugs} to you and your family!
    PS I missed all of you

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  86. I would say that your esteemed council is back also..but truth is – we never left. Just been waiting patiently until you were ready. I agree we need a new Barbie tutorial. Missed you! 🙂

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  87. Without sounding creepy, we are so related, sista! I went through the same thing, only to emerge bigger and better than before!!! Okay maybe not bigger. And better is subjective.

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  91. I’m glad you’re feeling better, Bossy. You are a supreme example of a decent, talented woman.
    Forgive me, but your ex can kiss my ass. How dare he?!?
    Best to you and your two lovely offspring.
    Life hurts, doesn’t it? And then it doesn’t. Stay Bossy, hon.

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  92. Was introduced to you through Pioneer Woman’s site (I’m an Okie). Just want to say: You’re a cool chick. And you make me laugh. Keep it up, please! And sending you good thoughts.

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