Bossy never watches TV. Ever!
Instead Bossy chain smokes Netflix on her laptop, which is propped inches from her pillow so she can inhale the pan effect of Ken Burns’ documentaries.
But TV? Bossy never watches.
Which was why it was so unusual last week when, stranded in an airport hotel in Chicago, Bossy turned on the television! First of all, this sounds a lot simpler than it was considering Bossy couldn’t locate the remote — and did you know there aren’t knobs on TV sets anymore? In fact there are no more sets in TV sets anymore.
This means, in the event of a fire, and you are under strict orders to change the channel, but the remote has incinerated, you cannot do it. The same goes for adjusting the volume during a hurricane or a tornado or due to something really dangerous, like you can’t hear House Hunters.
But there was Bossy, in her hotel room, with the TV on, when the strangest thing happened. Bossy fell asleep! It was strange because Bossy never falls asleep watching television! This is because Bossy falls asleep watching Netflix!
Lucky for Bossy, the only dangerous thing about falling asleep watching Netflix, is waking to the accusatory flicker of Titles You Might Enjoy. Netflix creates lists of these suggested titles based on your recent viewing habits. Therefore, it should surprise no one Netflix thinks Bossy would enjoy Dark Cultural titles, and Emotional Reality titles, and the coup de grace of all sad bastard Netflix: the sinister Dark Cultural Emotional Reality titles.
But back to that hotel room, and Bossy falling asleep watching TV. This is how it came to be that Bossy woke up in the middle of an infomercial.
One minute Bossy was watching Restaurant Impossible, and the next minute she was riding a snowmobile through the Alps! Except it wasn’t the Alps, it was a hotel duvet, and it wasn’t a snowmobile, it was the whirring of a blender.
Except it wan’t a blender, silly reader, it was something better than a blender! It was a Magic Bullet!
And why is the Magic Bullet so much better than a blender? According to the infomercial, it’s because the Magic Bullet pulverizes food until it becomes easily absorbable nutrients, while ordinary blenders create pulp that gets trapped in the strainer you would never use when making a smoothie in the first place!
And Magic Bullets are better because their easily absorbable nutrients produce drinks with names such as the Get Up And Goji. And because you can control your physiology based on what you pulverize. For instance, if you want to feel energized, combine kale and banana and berries!
But if you want to feel relaxed, combine kale and banana and berries.
You guessed correctly, Bossy purchased one. And Bossy will try not to become too discouraged by the Bullet’s troubleshooting guide:
Why does the Bullet not crush it just spins around?
Why does the extractor have so much pulp and no juice?
If it’s dishwasher safe, why did my cup emerge deformed?
But Bossy admits she is already feeling the positive effects of two whole days of absorbed nutrients. In fact, Bossy nearly had the energy to drive to the corner for a gallon of coffee ice cream.
If you liked this post about TV, click this link to watch The Barefoot Contessa episodes with Bossy and Ina’s gay T.R.
Or you could also click this link to read about Bossy’s wee obsession In Treatment.
Or choose this link to learn everything you need to know about last year’s American Music Awards.
Charlie says
August 8, 2013 at 10:30 pmYears ago I rented a cheap studio apartment in West Philly. A “psycho single” as they were sometimes called. Turns out, it came with its own psycho. The guy upstairs was crazier than a zombie shark on crack. And every night after midnight, he began howling. Yes, HOWLING. Like a gut-shot basset hound. And not just for a minute, but for HOURS. The only way I could get ANY sleep was (1) to get stupid drunk, and (2) to jam my little b&w TV set between channels and crank the volume. It was like sleeping in a beehive, but it beat the howling. Then one night, I came home from the bar to find an ambulance, lights flashing, parked in front of my building. They were hauling the crazy guy out. His eyes were wild, and his hair leaped away from his face. They loaded him in and drove off. That night I didn’t turn on the TV. When my head hit the pillow I slept. And slept. And slept.
BOSSY says
August 8, 2013 at 10:38 pmWho here doesn’t think Charlie rocks?
BSTBEH says
August 8, 2013 at 11:07 pmLOL.
In fact, ROTFLMAO.
And YES. Charlie is the MAN.
The MAN who ROCKS.
BSTBEH
BSTBEH says
August 8, 2013 at 11:09 pmOh, and of course i want one.
A magic bullet.
With a shot of Charlie on the side.
joeinvegas says
August 9, 2013 at 9:40 amWhich magic bullet did you get? And if it wasn’t the one in the infomercial, the dishwasher?
Lovelyn says
August 9, 2013 at 12:42 pmI hear that the Magic Bullet is great. Enjoy blending.
TracyontheRocks says
August 9, 2013 at 3:01 pmhahaha! I can relate- I almost never watch TV and I would be better off using a tin can phone system than the cell phone I have which only works when it feels like it because I refuse to get a new one because learning a new phone sounds like A REAL DRAG. Good luck pulverizing those nutrients. You probably would have had more fun with the silver bullet though!!
Meg at the Members Lounge says
August 9, 2013 at 4:05 pmI LOVE Hazel the Housecoat lady; smoking her fake cigarette! I can see why you succumbed to the charms of that infomercial!
Ally says
August 10, 2013 at 1:14 pmSome people sleep with the radio on because they have ringing in the ears(tinnitus); Charlie took it to A Whole Other Levahl. (name that skit)
I slept last night with the radio on Coast to Coast to calm my brain after a rough day. Usually this is not a great idea, because when I listen to people saying stupid things, my brain just goes into overdrive. But last night it backfired completely, because at 2 a.m. I woke up to some horrible horrible rolling-on-the ground laughter. I’m sure if I was awake to hear how the laughing started I would have been fine, but now all I hear is some creepy dastardly laugh. :/
L says
August 11, 2013 at 10:40 amIf I knew you had been stranded in a hotel in Chicago, I would have come and picked you up and you could have stayed at my house. Much nicer than a hotel room.
Jenn @ Juggling Life says
August 11, 2013 at 3:21 pmWe got sucked into the infomercial on vacation several years ago. I wanted one, but would never order from an informercial, but when Costco had it . . . My house is smoothies and protein drink central, so ours is in constant use.
jeanie says
August 12, 2013 at 9:42 amWhatever happened to Vince, the Sham-wow guy? That infomercial was the gateway to my keen involvment in the world of online shopping. I approach it with the mark of an eager observer, and thankful that the owning of a credit card never co-incided with the needing of a credit card for crazy 2am purchases while high on lactation and sleep-deprivation.
Ah, Wen hair systems. The Ab-system Pro. Stoneware Cooking. The Magic Bullet.
You bit the bullet. Thanks for taking it for us all!!
Nancy says
August 14, 2013 at 1:31 pmoh the anti-wrinkle cream was my weakness and crap it kind of works….
Don’t you love TR in the Macy’s commercials…oh yeah you don’t watch TV silly reader…
Mona (Moxie-Dude) says
August 15, 2013 at 3:26 pmToo funny. This is EXACTLY what happened to my mother. Except that she bought an entire series of workout videos AND the magic bullet. Which is fine except that she doesn’t exercise and she never drinks smoothies. She is no longer allowed to watch TV by herself in the middle of the night.
Cactus Petunia says
August 17, 2013 at 7:38 pmIt’s a good thing Bossy never watches television. Netflix is much safer. They never tempt you with Magic Bullets! Thanks for the warning.
Toni says
August 22, 2013 at 2:38 pmLoves my bullet! And I’ve never owned a dishwasher…so no worries about that!
Lori in MN says
August 25, 2013 at 10:38 amLove my regular Bullet but now I want the new one! Nutrients!