Bossy never watches TV. Ever!
Instead Bossy chain smokes Netflix on her laptop, which is propped inches from her pillow so she can inhale the pan effect of Ken Burns’ documentaries.
But TV? Bossy never watches.
Which was why it was so unusual last week when, stranded in an airport hotel in Chicago, Bossy turned on the television! First of all, this sounds a lot simpler than it was considering Bossy couldn’t locate the remote — and did you know there aren’t knobs on TV sets anymore? In fact there are no more sets in TV sets anymore.
This means, in the event of a fire, and you are under strict orders to change the channel, but the remote has incinerated, you cannot do it. The same goes for adjusting the volume during a hurricane or a tornado or due to something really dangerous, like you can’t hear House Hunters.
But there was Bossy, in her hotel room, with the TV on, when the strangest thing happened. Bossy fell asleep! It was strange because Bossy never falls asleep watching television! This is because Bossy falls asleep watching Netflix!
Lucky for Bossy, the only dangerous thing about falling asleep watching Netflix, is waking to the accusatory flicker of Titles You Might Enjoy. Netflix creates lists of these suggested titles based on your recent viewing habits. Therefore, it should surprise no one Netflix thinks Bossy would enjoy Dark Cultural titles, and Emotional Reality titles, and the coup de grace of all sad bastard Netflix: the sinister Dark Cultural Emotional Reality titles.
But back to that hotel room, and Bossy falling asleep watching TV. This is how it came to be that Bossy woke up in the middle of an infomercial.
One minute Bossy was watching Restaurant Impossible, and the next minute she was riding a snowmobile through the Alps! Except it wasn’t the Alps, it was a hotel duvet, and it wasn’t a snowmobile, it was the whirring of a blender.
Except it wan’t a blender, silly reader, it was something better than a blender! It was a Magic Bullet!
And why is the Magic Bullet so much better than a blender? According to the infomercial, it’s because the Magic Bullet pulverizes food until it becomes easily absorbable nutrients, while ordinary blenders create pulp that gets trapped in the strainer you would never use when making a smoothie in the first place!
And Magic Bullets are better because their easily absorbable nutrients produce drinks with names such as the Get Up And Goji. And because you can control your physiology based on what you pulverize. For instance, if you want to feel energized, combine kale and banana and berries!
But if you want to feel relaxed, combine kale and banana and berries.
You guessed correctly, Bossy purchased one. And Bossy will try not to become too discouraged by the Bullet’s troubleshooting guide:
Why does the Bullet not crush it just spins around?
Why does the extractor have so much pulp and no juice?
If it’s dishwasher safe, why did my cup emerge deformed?
But Bossy admits she is already feeling the positive effects of two whole days of absorbed nutrients. In fact, Bossy nearly had the energy to drive to the corner for a gallon of coffee ice cream.
If you liked this post about TV, click this link to watch The Barefoot Contessa episodes with Bossy and Ina’s gay T.R.
Or you could also click this link to read about Bossy’s wee obsession In Treatment.