December 9, 2011

A Horror Show Starring Bossy And Her Unhusband – A Public Service Announcement

Our story begins mere days before Thanksgiving, when Bossy answered an ad on Craig’s list for a dining room table:


As Undivorced Bossy begins life anew in her own apartment, she did what any fiercely independent Unwife would do when faced with the problem of transporting a table from a neighborhood known as The Other Side Of Creation: Bossy asked her Unhusband for help.

This is how Bossy and her Unhusband found themselves borrowing a minivan one cold November night:


So there was Bossy, driving, due to a preexisting medical condition known as Control Freak, when suddenly Bossy heard a disturbing rumble. No sooner had she pointed this sound out to her Unhusband when Bossy lost control of the minivan’s steering. And then the minivan’s brakes. And then the minivan.

Of course when this happened, Bossy was cruising in the passing lane. During rush hour.


The first thing Bossy did was wrestle the alligator that was the minivan careening off the road. It quickly became apparent the problem was a flat tire.

The next problem was no decent place to pull over on the left-hand side. So Bossy’s Unhusband hung his head out the passenger window and begged the borrowed minivan over two lanes to the right:


Once the minivan had safely navigated to the right side of the road, the next problem emerged: there was no safe place to pull-over there either.

So Bossy came to a stop in a stingy slice of the road’s shoulder as the rush of cars passed inches from her driver’s side door.

But before the minivan had come to a complete stop, Bossy’s Unhusband was already on the phone calling for roadside assistance. Knowing many fatal accidents occur because cars in the shoulder of the road are hit, Bossy and her Unhusband decided to slither out of the passenger side door and scramble down the steep embankment overgrown with weeds and broken bottles:


Once Bossy and her Unhusband were a still unsafe distance from the car, Bossy asked her Unhusband how long AAA estimated it would take for their arrival.

This is when Bossy found out her Unhusband hadn’t dialed AAA at all, but rather 911:


You see, Bossy’s Unhusband knew what few people know: the Department of Transportation in most states is better equipped for a highway emergency than a roadside assistance club.

And within a thankfully short amount of time, Bossy’s own personal Department of Transportation, PennDOT, arrived with their flashing lights and steely tow truck to guard the borrowed minivan from the stream of traffic.

And then the PennDOT guy threw his body down in the busy lane next to the borrowed minivan in order to change the front driver’s-side tire. And he did all this for free.


In closing: the very next time your tire blows while in the passing lane on the way to pick up a pedestal table during evening rush hour with no safe place to pull over, consider dialing 911 first.

They’ll best direct your call.

Bossy now returns you to your hopefully safe happy lives.

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