The celebration begins the 15th day of the Jewish month of Nissan. Or whenever Easter Sunday is. Gather hours before sundown for cheese and mixed drinks. Don’t be shy with the vodka.
Confiscate the Easter basket from the children and explain that, absolutely not, two chocolate bunny ears and one white chocolate egg does not a dinner make. Offer more mixed drinks. Check the Easter Ham. Notice that it looks like the diseased organ in heart transplant surgery.
Return to guests. Referee an argument in process over whether rennet-free cheese contains fewer calories. Top off the mixed drinks. Easter the Ham check. Suddenly remember your side dish and race to the stove to begin sautéing potato latkes. Spoon the potato batter into the greased pan in perfectly consistent shapes. Open the porch door to release the smell of burnt oil. Notice the sun has dropped behind your neighbor’s house. Explain to your guests that you don’t give a shit about that fussy Seder at sundown custom because those people probably didn’t have electricity, let alone two standing lamps from Pottery Barn.
Begin loosely pouring the potato batter into the pan creating shapes that resemble the western territories. Tell your husband to finish carving the Seder ham or his Jewish ass is grass. Complete the latkes and settle around the table. Begin reading the Haggadah. Notice that the jacket cover is pink and looks like it was purchased at K-Mart. Remove a piece of matzoh from your linen Pier One matzoh cover and break it in half. Return one half to its cover and hide the other half for the children to find after dinner. As the oldest member of the family, assign your father the task of asking the four questions to the youngest family member:
Why is this night different from all other nights?
Why do we eat bitter herbs?
Why do we dip our herbs twice?
Why does the Easter Bunny schlep heavy baskets when he only weighs around one pound?
Dip the parsley in – wait – remember that you never got the parsley out of the fridge. Efficiently correct for your mistake by placing the sandy parsley directly on the Seder table. Dip the parsley in salt water to remind us of the tears of the Jewish slaves. And also to remind us why we only tolerate salt water mixed with parsley once a year.
Serve the ham and latkes and Charoset. Explain to your relatives that the reason the charoset apples taste so funny is that you found the recipe in the 30-Minute Seder cookbook but you forgot to add the cinnamon. Or the walnuts. Or the wine. Eat roasted eggs and bang shank bones and pass the mint jelly for the ham.
Pour four glasses of wine to represent the four stages of the exodus. Pour a fifth cup of wine and place it on the Seder table as an offering for the Prophet Elijah. Pour a sixth and seventh glass of wine for you and your now cross-eyed mother. Return the wine bottle to its position on the table and realize that you’ve just crushed all the matzoh piled underneath. Screw matzoh, return to the kitchen and bring out the Potato Rolls and salted butter. When the meal is complete, send the children to find the hidden piece of Matzoh. And the plastic hollow eggs from CVS with jelly beans inside. Brew a pot of coffee and distribute Cadbury Cream Eggs and discuss Uncle Harry’s outpatient toenail removal.