Dear Bossy

I’ve had my car for over a decade and it’s got almost two hundred thousand miles on it, so it’s time to start looking for something new. How do I go about selecting a car?

– Wheels
————

Dear Wheels,

Selecting a car is a lot like choosing the person you’re going to marry: At the core you’re looking for trustworthiness through proven attributes and a decent track record – it must feel comfortable yet a little exciting – and you must fall madly in love with the ass and the eyes.

For instance, the Toyota Rav4 has liquid eyes and a sweet goofy grin.

This is a mate stable enough for mom to love, but sexy enough to make the guys at work wonder what kind of night you’re having.

The Saab has a nice ass – it’s a pert rollerblading ass that slips easily into a refined pair of slacks by Jones New York.

And speaking of cute asses:

This ass is game. Theatre tickets? Sure. Surfing in North Carolina? Just give me a minute.

Unlike this foreboding ass.

This is the kind of ass that won’t have a piece of its own birthday cake.

Not to be confused with this Lex-ass – not only did it eat its own slice of cake, it ate yours and the piece designated for the six-year-old next to you.

In the raucous 1980s the fabulous BMW was the greatest date in the place and the last to leave the bar.

But now this fussy model attends AA meetings and irons its jeans.

Bossy thought this Porsche had really exotic eyes that remind of big umbrellas dug in the sand and little umbrellas dropped in the drinks

But then Bossy realized the ass looks exactly like the front – is it winking at Bossy or farting in her direction?

And then there’s the Prius. This car donates to Greenpeace and stumped for John Kerry. It’s the Sandra Bernhardt of car faces, with crazy slanted eyes and a gi-normous mouth.

And Prius’ fly ass reminds Bossy of Salt-n-Pepa’s song Shoop, “You’re packed and you’re stacked, ‘specially in the back Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that.”

While the VW Bus has dancing eyes and a certain youthful, uncomplicated exuberance.

It’s fun to flirt in parking lots and while stopped at traffic lights, but if you want to be more aggressive with your search, there are many Dating Services available to help you, such as Edmonds.com, Autotrader.com, and Cars.com. These informative websites detail lineage, date of birth, habits, and body shapes for everything available within a chosen circumference of your lonely garage. And when you finally decide to get hitched, don’t forget to register at Pep Boys!

Edmunds.com

cars.com

autotrader.com