Dear Bossy

I’m having a dinner party with 60 guests, ages 17-93. We’re serving Prosecco, Guinness, Seltzer, and Diet Coke. How many bottles of each beverage should I buy?

– Par Tay
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Dear Par,

A standard rule is that each guest will consume two glasses of something per hour. This means your 60 guests will drink 120 servings per hour. So if your party lasts three hours, that’s 360 servings.

Then you need to estimate how many guests will be consuming something alcoholic and how many duds guests will be consuming something boring non-alcoholic.

Next you need to consider how many servings are in each beverage. A standard wine bottle contains five servings – or nine servings if my Uncle Harris is pouring. One bottle of beer (or can of soda) contains one serving each. Keep in mind that there are twice as many beer drinkers as wine drinkers in the continental United States.

Now multiply the servings per unit by your total number of servings per hour divided by the number of drunk party guests. Then call a caterer because this shit requires way too much math.

Or you could enter all of your specifics here and let the Party Planning Calculator figure it out.

But before you chase that link, here are a few other facts worth considering:

* You will need ½ pound of ice per guest.

* You will need all new friends to replace the fat-asses you used to hang out with

Who needs a 150ml drink?