Dear Bossy

My son’s girlfriend just admitted she is not on the pill as we all had assumed. Their sole method of birth control? The condom! Please inform – is this as bad as we think?

– Too Young To Be A Grandma
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Dear Too Young,

According to Condomania – a website that promotes condom use – the following is a list of activities deemed Safe to undertake while wearing a condom:

* Hugging
* Kissing
* Massaging
* Feeding Each Other
* Watching Erotic Film
* Reading Erotic Literature
* Phone Sex
* Arguing with your Uncle Larry about the Denver Broncos.

While the following sexual situation was deemed only Somewhat Safe to engage in while wearing a condom:

* Vaginal Intercourse

Condoms have been around for thousands of years – early evidence of condom use comes from cave paintings. Other evidence of early condom use is the proliferation of man.

The first condoms were made of linen,

and they were later made of fish and animal intestines – now that’s what Bossy calls Birth Control! In 1844 Charles Goodyear discovered a process for transforming rubber into an elastic material, and factories began mass-producing rubber condoms, known as “rubbers”. Also known as “baby makers.”

Compared to the Birth Control Pill’s 99.9% effectiveness rate, Condoms – when used correctly – are only 85% effective in preventing pregnancy. This means that over a one-year period, 15 out of 100 couples will end up pushing a stroller through K-mart.

Do you know what other happy parlor game shares the very same 15% Failure Rate statistic? Russian roulette!

The clear benefit of condoms is that they are the least expensive of all birth control. That is until the inevitable obstetrician visits, labor & delivery fee, and eighteen years of cleats and trombone lessons followed by tuition to Boston College.

No – the best perhaps only reason to use a condom is for protection against AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases – and it should be used in addition to your regular birth control method. These days, condoms are made of latex, lambskin or polyurethane – but latex provides the most protection against STDs. Unless you are allergic to latex in which case the disgusting rash will prevent anyone from wanting to sleep with you anyway.

The Mayo Clinic suggests the following to increase the condom’s effectiveness:

* Do not use a condom after its expiration has passed.

* Do not open the condom package with your teeth or fingernails – the condom itself may rip.

* Check condom for small tears or pinprick holes before using.

* Attend a psychic seminar so you can tell if the condom has small tears or pinprick holes since you are never supposed to unroll a condom before using.

* Gently press out air at the tip of the condom before putting it on.

* Place the tip of the rolled-up condom over the erect penis. The rolled rim should be on the outside. NEVER PLACE THE CONDOM INSIDE THE PENIS.

* Unroll the condom down over the entire penis and leave a half-inch space at the tip to collect the semen.

* Smooth out any air bubbles to make sure the condom fits correctly. An air bubble could cause the condom to tear or come off.

* Use plenty of water-based lubricant during intercourse to reduce friction. Never use an oil-based product such as lotion, Vaseline, baby oil, or Crisco as it will weaken the latex and cause it to break – although it will prevent the penis from sticking to the bundt pan.

* Store condoms in a cool, dry place along with your tulip bulbs, potatoes, and black & white film. Do not keep condoms in a wallet, back pocket or glove compartment which can lead to deterioration and breakage. And babies.

KidsHealth Condom Info

Mayo Clinic Condom Info

Condomania Website