Dear Bossy

I’ve had it! I need to find a new apartment but every ad I answer is more deceiving than the one before. You should see these dumps! How can I stop wasting my time?

– Led To Believe Otherwise
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Dear Miss Led,

Hold on cowgirl – before you lose all will to live, check out Bossy’s Truth Serum Key for Common Real Estate Terms – surely you’ve heard of it?

Just scroll the alphabetical list of Real Estate terms followed by what they really mean.

• Air! – You provide the conditioning.

• All new construction – The walls are made of a synthetic polymer slightly less sturdy than a mailing envelope.
  
  
• Big dogs allowed – And boy will you need one!

• Bright and airy – There’s a gigantic hole in the skylight.

• Cathedral ceilings – The contractor never made it back to complete the attic drywall project.

• Charming Victorian – Closets too shallow to accommodate an actual hanger.

• Close to transportation! – You’ll need earplugs to obscure the rattle of the elevated subway that passes inches from your window.

• Converted carriage house – All the rooms are the size of stalls and the place still smells like 100-year-old road apples.

• Cozy efficiency –So small even your Corn Snake can’t stand up and turn around.

• Day: $37-$53. Week: $115-$173. – Good luck with that.

• $75/wk 2 wks dep. No drugs. – And good luck with that.

• Decorator apartment – The walls are painted black and the appliances are the color of eggplants.

• Distinctive apartments with character and personality – Hope you like roaches!

• Eat in kitchen – No dining room.

• End unit – Goodie, you can hear the traffic noise from two opposing streets!

• Exposed brick – Behind the refrigerator! Which needs defrosting!

• Free cable – The cable goes from the back of your television, through the open window, and over to your neighbor’s rooftop antenna.

• Full-time front desk support to ensure your complete satisfaction – To ensure you don’t get murdered in your sleep.

• Furnished – Certainly hope you like musty Barcaloungers.

• Great location – The apartment itself sucks ass.

• High-speed Internet! – At the Starbucks around the corner!

• In golf community – Your gingham curtains will match the sea of madras golf shorts.

• Island kitchen – The sitting water under the sink mixes with spilled Tidy Bowl for a Blue Lagoon effect.

• Large deck – Predator-free larval mosquito habitat.

• Located in historic building – World famous for the murders that took place last August.

• Loft style apartment – There are no doors on the bedroom.

• Lovingly restored – Ambitious Do-it-yourselfers = crooked tiles and leaky faucets.

• Mountain view – If you stand on the toilet and twist your neck around the edge of the Jalousie window.

• Must See! – Not so much.

• Newly renovated – Smells like paint-covered mildew.

• No credit check! – Block party delayed last year due to several untimely incarcerations.

• No pets – Still trying to remove the lingering cat piss odor from the previous tenants.

• Oceanfront – Ground level gets two inches of water during high tide.

• Off-street parking – The cars are up on cinderblocks in the backyard.

• On-street parking available – Available on Mischief Night and there’s a reason.

• Open floor plan –You can see both your toilet and dishwasher from your bed.

• Perfect for roommates – Don’t bring a child to within three miles of this neighborhood.

• Pets welcome – They’ll just add to the chorus of Pit Bulls barking in the abandoned lot next door.

• Pool! – All you’ll need is an Above-Ground Automatic Pool Cleaner, 3-Ring Pool Float, In-ground pump, Cartridge Pool Filter, Leaf Skimmer Cover, Cleaning Wand, Chlorine Tablets, pH Increaser, Algaecide, Safety Line, Floating Feeder, Clearview Vacuum, Leaf Skimmer, Telescoping Pole, Commercial Grade Vac Hose, Brush Head, Leaf Gulper, Heat Pump, Skimmer Guard, and a Woven Polyethylene Pool Cover for when the pool is not in use, which is 273 days a year.

• Private entrance – Rapist included. Can of mace provided.

• Private laundry facilities – If you go between the hours of 2am and 3:15 am.

• Private Patio – A concrete slab surrounded by a chain link fence. Happy Barbequing!

• Professional 24-hour property management – 24 hours a year.

• Richly detailed amenities – The Norge refrigerator dates back to 1937.

• Stunning natural light! – And good thing because the wiring is Knob & Tube and only 75 amps!

• The apartment building is set apart from the noise and hustle-bustle of the city! – You will live two miles from a functioning street lamp.

• Townhome – Get used to the sound of your neighbor snoring.
  
  
• Two-car garage – One of those cars must be a Mini Cooper and the other must be the approximate size of Barbie’s Dream Buggy.

• Updated kitchen – The Franklin Stove was recently replaced with a vintage microwave.

• Walk-in closet – Also known as the Den, 3rd bedroom, and Office.

• Within walking distance to restaurants and attractions – If you are an Olympic athlete.