Be born Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez. Begin your life in a thatched palm leaf house then rise in the ranks to become lieutenant colonel. Mastermind a military coup d’état, fail, and suffer a two-year imprisonment. A few years later – with the support of the working class – win the presidential election and vow to reverse Venezuela’s profound economic and social crisis. A scant seven years after that stand in the front of a Harlem church and offer the United States – one of the world’s wealthiest nations – 100 million gallons of subsidized heating oil for its needy citizens. And make this generous offer one day after warning the United Nations that George Bush is the devil. Encouraged by dense applause, remind the churchgoers that the only reason George W got his job is because of daddy. Remind them that George W doesn’t know how to do anything except be an alcoholic and walk like a cowboy. Then – from your position behind the church pulpit – do your best George Bush by drawing your shoulders up toward your ears and extending your bent elbows out to the side. Swagger in place.