Blog Kindergarten: A Bossy Tutorial. Irve Lewis “No Wonder They Call Me Scooter” Libby, Jr.

Ok, so like — it’s 2003 and Bush wants a war with Iraq, right? So Dick Cheney tells Bush, “No problemo — I got a piece of paper right here that proves Iraq bought uranium from Niger. Dude! We’re golden!” And it’s so cool because here is the actual receipt:

And so, like, we send thousands to die in Iraq. Except then the CIA was all, “Um, wait. Are we sure that document is for real? Like, fizzor rizzeal?” So they call this ambassador dude, Joseph Wilson, and the CIA’s like, “Road Trip!” And so Wilson goes to Niger where the Nigerians are all, “That? That document is as fake as Pamela Anderson’s tits!”

And so when Wilson gets back to America, dudeman’s all, “Feck the Iraq War. It’s Booshit.” Meanwhile Dick Cheney’s chief of staff — Scooter Libby — is all worried that Joseph Wilson is going to wreck the whole play with his Nigerian proof and so he gets all up in Wilson’s business and speed dials a bunch of news types going, “Joseph Wilson? That dweeb? He don’t know jack. Plus he’s married to some undercover CIA ‘ho named Valerie Plame.”

Except then Valerie Plame is standing there with her undercover ass in the wind for all to smell. And so folks started looking into who exposed Plame and Scooter Libby was all, “Valerie Who? Never heard of her. Oh damn, you mean the bitch Tim Russert sold out?”

And so a Federal Grand Jury investigates and indicts Scooter Libby for lying his fool white ass off — and then yesterday he was found guilty of four felony charges, all federal and shit: perjury, obstruction of justice, and making false statements. Dumb ass mo-fo.

Here’s The Story Behind Dick’s Dick — And All Bossy Knows Is They Better Not Pardon His Ass.