Dear Woodbine, New Jersey,
Bossy is trying to be patient with you. She knows you’re just this bohunk town stuck in Dennis Township with a population of 2,716. And it’s tough, no doubt, being located just 12.1 miles from the most expensive beachside real estate in the country when your homes look oh-so-unfortunately like Bossy’s:
But you need to wake up. Like, now. Do it for your rich heritage: not every community is founded by Eastern European Jews fleeing the pogrom in the late 1800s. Y’all built a town in two years and spread your generosity to incoming refugees. It was fifteen acres and a shul!
And I know that clearing 800 acres of dense forest isn’t nearly as hard as remembering where you put something two days ago but here’s the thing: someone in your midst walked into Campark Liquors on Dehirsch Avenue this past Tuesday and purchased gah knows what along with a winning Lottery Ticket now worth $80 million dollars. After taxes!
Just ask lucky bastard Ed Nabors from Atlanta Georgia who shares your prize. Ed is a truck driver who was running late and therefore didn’t stop for coffee in his usual place — instead he went to a convenience store and yesterday he cashed a check with so many numbers on it Bossy’s calculator spewed smoke: $116,557,083.00
So, come on Woodbine. Get yourself together. Clean out that kitchen drawer, empty those pockets. Collect what’s coming to you.