Things That Make You Want To Drink Gin Straight From The Cat Bowl.

Dear Woodbine, New Jersey,

Bossy is trying to be patient with you. She knows you’re just this bohunk town stuck in Dennis Township with a population of 2,716. And it’s tough, no doubt, being located just 12.1 miles from the most expensive beachside real estate in the country when your homes look oh-so-unfortunately like Bossy’s:

But you need to wake up. Like, now. Do it for your rich heritage: not every community is founded by Eastern European Jews fleeing the pogrom in the late 1800s. Y’all built a town in two years and spread your generosity to incoming refugees. It was fifteen acres and a shul!

And I know that clearing 800 acres of dense forest isn’t nearly as hard as remembering where you put something two days ago but here’s the thing: someone in your midst walked into Campark Liquors on Dehirsch Avenue this past Tuesday and purchased gah knows what along with a winning Lottery Ticket now worth $80 million dollars. After taxes!

Just ask lucky bastard Ed Nabors from Atlanta Georgia who shares your prize. Ed is a truck driver who was running late and therefore didn’t stop for coffee in his usual place — instead he went to a convenience store and yesterday he cashed a check with so many numbers on it Bossy’s calculator spewed smoke: $116,557,083.00

So, come on Woodbine. Get yourself together. Clean out that kitchen drawer, empty those pockets. Collect what’s coming to you.

Here’s The Whole Winning Ticket Story

You Too Can Move To Beautiful Woodbine.