The celebration begins the 15th day of the Jewish month of Nissan. Or whenever Easter Sunday is. Gather hours before sundown for cheese and mixed drinks. Don’t be shy with the vodka.
Confiscate the Easter basket from the children and explain that, absolutely not, two chocolate bunny ears and one white chocolate egg does not a dinner make. Offer more mixed drinks. Check the Seder Ham. Notice that it looks like the diseased organ in heart transplant surgery.
Return to guests. Referee an argument in process over whether rennet-free cheese contains fewer calories. Top off the mixed drinks. Seder the Ham check. Suddenly remember your side dish and race to the stove to begin sautéing Easter potato latkes. Spoon the potato batter into the greased pan in perfectly consistent shapes. Open the porch door to release the smell of burnt oil. Notice the sun has dropped behind your neighbor’s house. Explain to your guests that you don’t give a shit about that fussy Seder at sundown custom because those people probably didn’t have electricity, let alone two standing lamps from Pottery Barn.
Begin loosely pouring the potato batter into the pan unleashing shapes that resemble the western territories. Tell your husband to finish carving the Seder ham or his Jewish ass is grass. Complete the latkes and settle around the table. Begin reading the Haggadah. Notice that the jacket cover is pink and looks like it was purchased at K-Mart. Remove a piece of matzoh from your linen Pier One matzoh cover and break it in half. Return one half to its cover and hide the other half for the children to find after dinner. As the oldest member of the family, assign your father the task of asking the four questions to the youngest family member:
Why is this night different from all other nights?
Why do we eat bitter herbs?
Why do we dip our herbs twice?
Why does the Easter Bunny schlep heavy baskets when he only weighs about a pound?
Dip the parsley in – wait – remember that you never got the parsley out of the fridge. Efficiently correct for your mistake by placing the sandy parsley directly on the Seder table. Dip the parsley in salt water to remind us of the tears of the Jewish slaves. And also to remind us why we only tolerate salt water mixed with parsley once a year.
Serve the ham and latkes and Charoset. Explain to your relatives that the reason the charoset apples taste so funny is that you found the recipe in the 30-Minute Seder cookbook but you forgot to add the cinnamon. Or the walnuts. Or the wine. Eat roasted eggs and bang shank bones and pass the mint jelly for the ham.
Pour four glasses of wine to represent the four stages of the exodus. Pour a fifth cup of wine and place it on the Seder table as an offering for the Prophet Elijah. Pour a sixth and seventh glass of wine for you and your now cross-eyed mother. Return the wine bottle to its position on the table and realize that you’ve just crushed all the matzoh piled underneath. Screw unleavened bread, return to the kitchen and bring out the Potato Rolls and salted butter. When the meal is complete, send the children to find the hidden piece of matzoh. And the plastic hollow eggs from CVS with jelly beans inside. Brew a pot of coffee and distribute Cadbury Cream Eggs and discuss Uncle Harry’s outpatient toenail removal.
Oh, The Joys says
April 8, 2007 at 1:10 pmClearly – the best seder EVER.
Have The T-shirt says
April 8, 2007 at 3:26 pmI knew there was a reason I always wanted to be Jewish! This sounds like so much more fun than the traditional Easter Brunch.
Mom101 says
April 8, 2007 at 5:29 pmThis year with everyone traveling, my family skipped our traditional Peaster celebration (also known as Eggover – there’s some debate). You just made me miss it. I wish I could have at least been at yours.
Mr Farty says
April 8, 2007 at 5:48 pmJust a wild guess here – are you Jewish?
Karen says
April 8, 2007 at 7:51 pmYou’re all making me miss my childhood – that hardly ever happens!
Scott-O-Rama says
April 8, 2007 at 10:23 pmWow… I always thought the Jewish culture was so interesting and rich with tradition. You however just made me glad I was raised a boring old Methodist!
Res Publica says
April 9, 2007 at 9:09 amBossy, you are a pioneer of one-woman ecumenism — an inspiration to us all!
Hayes says
April 9, 2007 at 2:35 pmAfter last year’s Easter fiasco, I was quite happy to just simply go over to my mom’s and have dinner with her, my boyfriend, and her roommate!
Last year we had just moved into our new house, and the day after moving in, we had all of Dan’s family and my mom over for Easter! Needless to say, it didn’t go so well, nothing was working yet, the oven ended up being broken and had to be lit by hand, and we sat hoping it wouldn’t explode! Boxes everywhere and little room to move about!
Adorable Girlfriend says
April 9, 2007 at 9:06 pmOMG gawd Bossy. If you are Jewish in anyway, you are going to cause trouble. When UC reads this, AG is toast! AG could never think of anything as clever as you combining Easter Bunny and the word ‘schlep’ in the same sentence.
The Uncanny Canadian says
April 9, 2007 at 9:36 pmThis was so funny, Bossy. You forgot that after the main course, the seder can’t be finished until the youngest finds all the hidden Cadbury easter creme eggs, AKA the eggikomen.
Mitch McDad says
April 10, 2007 at 12:23 amHi Bossy. 1st Timer. Love this post. We fit the catagory..though in lieu of doing the big weekend with either our Jews or Gentiles…we just stayed at home and got puked on by my one-year-old.