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Because It’s Bathing Suit Time Again.

So you want to lose weight and you want it done right
You have tried all before but your pants are still tight
And you want something different, a plan less obtuse
Well here’s food for thought, from me: Dr Seuss.

Bossy_seuss1_4

If you’d like to look crazy, anorexic, and tarty
Like Renée Zellwegger and Calista Flockharty
Then join their plan – Atkins – it left them skin and bones
They don’t eat, drink, or shit, but they live off Ketones.

For a role model more sane, look to Miss Jodie Foster
Her Beverly Hills Diet lists just fruit on the roster
On the tenth day add carbs ; third week in, you eat protein
Sure you’ll have diarrhea – but that makes you quite lean!

Sarah-Michelle Gellar enjoys the Cabbage Soup Diet
I don’t know who she is, but she sounds like a riot!
I mean who else thinks it’s crazy to fart away pounds?
Yes you fit in your jeans, but the smell — it abounds!

The Scarsdale Diet – now here’s one that’s old school!
No snacking allowed, but suppressants the rule
You’ll eat fruit and veggies, we’ll think you’re on meth
But sadly this diet oft times leads to Death.

And what of Weight Watchers? It may disappoint.
All those points, all those points, all those points points points points
Points given to fiber and points given to fat
Points ‘cause you’ve jogged and points ‘cause you’ve sat
But you’re bound to lose weight if you give it some time
Of course you won’t see results ‘til you’re one hundred and nine.

If you have a calculator and an advanced science degree
If you have lots of free time and are way smarter than me
Then perhaps the Zone diet is perfect for you
Never mind it’s so hard you won’t find time to chew.

There are others – like South Beach, and Dr. Perricone’s Face Lift
You can shovel off pounds in a really big snowdrift
There’s the Bite Plan that’s based on French Women Don’t Get Fat
(Neither do Zimbabwean gals, yet no bestseller for that!)

My friend lost a dress size when she ended her marriage
And one lost a stone pushing a double-wide carriage
My friend lost a ton due to pre-surgical restrictions
And I once knew a rail due to cocaine addiction
Another lost pounds when she couldn’t eat cheese
Another when a drummer made her weak in the knees.

But in your case – what’s ten pounds, you know, give or take?
Enjoy a basket of bread and a thick fatty steak.

Browse Bossy’s Other Archives From April ’06 When Bossy Was Still In Training Pants.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  5. This deserves to be on the ‘fridge. I don’t believe in diets. Seriously – I tried once after my last was born and all it did was make me obsess about food. I think the nervous energy from being a completely neurotic mother is stress enough on the body.

    Reply

  6. Nicely done, but what of green eggs and ham?

    Personally, I’m a fan of the Drink Less and Get Some Freaking Exercise (You Lardass) Diet.

    The book’s due out just in time for Christmas.

    Rails. Heh.

    Reply

  13. Or try being up all night
    giving your breast
    to a fat little baby
    who’s taking your best.
    In no time at all
    you’ll be thinner and flat
    or at least your boobs will,
    You might just stay fat.

    Reply

  14. Bossy and Orangeblossoms must have been having a seussicle moment this week. My blog features a Seussicle poem, too. But, mine’s by him. Bossy’s blog is much cleverer. I only copied Bossy’s fabulousness inasmuch as I was already in Seuss mode yesterday and wanted to share my entry. Apologies to Bossy, the original Seuss Queen.

    Reply

  15. Effing brilliant. Weight Watchers doesn’t give you points for fiber, but as filler in a Seussian poem, it sounds fine. I’m just a compulsive nitpicker.

    Reply

  19. I just laughed so hard, I peed away half a pound.

    I think I might have to link this in today’s entry. Because I’m PMSing and feeling lardy, but now I’m going to have a basket o’ bread and a big fat-fatty steak.

    Reply

  20. critiquing silly diet ideas in a sing-song fashion? Hmmmmm! I’m thinking best selling educational material for teenagers!
    Hey, I’d buy it.
    The best way to keep your kid from bad stuff is to tell them it causes farts and craps!

    Reply

  21. Oh, my. Look here. A blog on a diet!
    I stopped eating my food, things got quiet.
    You caught me off guard,
    With a mouth full of lard.
    Oh, me, oh my. What a riot.

    Your post was spectacular. Enjoyed it a lot. You’re going to make me blogroll you, aren’t you.

    🙂

    Reply

  24. Good God, woman. What are you, some kind of genius freakwad?

    How old are you? Marlboro Man and I were discussing it. I won’t tell you who guessed what. Just answer the question, plese.

    I’ve been eating leftover French cheese all day. Mostly, I’ve been smearing dill-encrusted goat cheese on Triscuits because I can.

    Reply

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