So you want to lose weight and you want it done right
You have tried all before but your pants are still tight
And you want something different, a plan less obtuse
Well here’s food for thought, from me: Dr Seuss.
If you’d like to look crazy, anorexic, and tarty
Like Renée Zellwegger and Calista Flockharty
Then join their plan – Atkins – it left them skin and bones
They don’t eat, drink, or shit, but they live off Ketones.
For a role model more sane, look to Miss Jodie Foster
Her Beverly Hills Diet lists just fruit on the roster
On the tenth day add carbs ; third week in, you eat protein
Sure you’ll have diarrhea – but that makes you quite lean!
Sarah-Michelle Gellar enjoys the Cabbage Soup Diet
I don’t know who she is, but she sounds like a riot!
I mean who else thinks it’s crazy to fart away pounds?
Yes you fit in your jeans, but the smell — it abounds!
The Scarsdale Diet – now here’s one that’s old school!
No snacking allowed, but suppressants the rule
You’ll eat fruit and veggies, we’ll think you’re on meth
But sadly this diet oft times leads to Death.
And what of Weight Watchers? It may disappoint.
All those points, all those points, all those points points points points
Points given to fiber and points given to fat
Points ‘cause you’ve jogged and points ‘cause you’ve sat
But you’re bound to lose weight if you give it some time
Of course you won’t see results ‘til you’re one hundred and nine.
If you have a calculator and an advanced science degree
If you have lots of free time and are way smarter than me
Then perhaps the Zone diet is perfect for you
Never mind it’s so hard you won’t find time to chew.
There are others – like South Beach, and Dr. Perricone’s Face Lift
You can shovel off pounds in a really big snowdrift
There’s the Bite Plan that’s based on French Women Don’t Get Fat
(Neither do Zimbabwean gals, yet no bestseller for that!)
My friend lost a dress size when she ended her marriage
And one lost a stone pushing a double-wide carriage
My friend lost a ton due to pre-surgical restrictions
And I once knew a rail due to cocaine addiction
Another lost pounds when she couldn’t eat cheese
Another when a drummer made her weak in the knees.
But in your case – what’s ten pounds, you know, give or take?
Enjoy a basket of bread and a thick fatty steak.