So you want to lose weight and you want it done right
You have tried all before but your pants are still tight
And you want something different, a plan less obtuse
Well here’s food for thought, from me: Dr Seuss.
If you’d like to look crazy, anorexic, and tarty
Like Renée Zellwegger and Calista Flockharty
Then join their plan – Atkins – it left them skin and bones
They don’t eat, drink, or shit, but they live off Ketones.
For a role model more sane, look to Miss Jodie Foster
Her Beverly Hills Diet lists just fruit on the roster
On the tenth day add carbs ; third week in, you eat protein
Sure you’ll have diarrhea – but that makes you quite lean!
Sarah-Michelle Gellar enjoys the Cabbage Soup Diet
I don’t know who she is, but she sounds like a riot!
I mean who else thinks it’s crazy to fart away pounds?
Yes you fit in your jeans, but the smell — it abounds!
The Scarsdale Diet – now here’s one that’s old school!
No snacking allowed, but suppressants the rule
You’ll eat fruit and veggies, we’ll think you’re on meth
But sadly this diet oft times leads to Death.
And what of Weight Watchers? It may disappoint.
All those points, all those points, all those points points points points
Points given to fiber and points given to fat
Points ‘cause you’ve jogged and points ‘cause you’ve sat
But you’re bound to lose weight if you give it some time
Of course you won’t see results ‘til you’re one hundred and nine.
If you have a calculator and an advanced science degree
If you have lots of free time and are way smarter than me
Then perhaps the Zone diet is perfect for you
Never mind it’s so hard you won’t find time to chew.
There are others – like South Beach, and Dr. Perricone’s Face Lift
You can shovel off pounds in a really big snowdrift
There’s the Bite Plan that’s based on French Women Don’t Get Fat
(Neither do Zimbabwean gals, yet no bestseller for that!)
My friend lost a dress size when she ended her marriage
And one lost a stone pushing a double-wide carriage
My friend lost a ton due to pre-surgical restrictions
And I once knew a rail due to cocaine addiction
Another lost pounds when she couldn’t eat cheese
Another when a drummer made her weak in the knees.
But in your case – what’s ten pounds, you know, give or take?
Enjoy a basket of bread and a thick fatty steak.
Browse Bossy’s Other Archives From April ’06 When Bossy Was Still In Training Pants.
Andrea saysMay 4, 2007 at 10:18 am
Wow. I’m totally impressed.
Get-off saysMay 4, 2007 at 10:26 am
damn it, NOTHING rhymes with melamine
orangeblossoms saysMay 4, 2007 at 10:38 am
Way clever, Bossy. Yeah, baby, way.
still reading and loving your wit today!
Jennifer saysMay 4, 2007 at 11:01 am
Jen M saysMay 4, 2007 at 12:10 pm
This deserves to be on the ‘fridge. I don’t believe in diets. Seriously – I tried once after my last was born and all it did was make me obsess about food. I think the nervous energy from being a completely neurotic mother is stress enough on the body.
Mendacious D saysMay 4, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Nicely done, but what of green eggs and ham?
Personally, I’m a fan of the Drink Less and Get Some Freaking Exercise (You Lardass) Diet.
The book’s due out just in time for Christmas.
penny saysMay 4, 2007 at 1:09 pm
I’m all for the soft, shapely derriere.
Alicia saysMay 4, 2007 at 1:25 pm
This is freakin’ awesome!!!!!!
Les~ saysMay 4, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Bravo! Leave it to Bossy to pen a Dr. Seuss! Have a great weekend ya’ll!
Chuckles saysMay 4, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Suburban Kamikaze saysMay 4, 2007 at 2:20 pm
You’ve inspired me to divulge my secret:
The Crack Whore’s Guide to Summer Beauty
Brando saysMay 4, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Hysterical stuff, Bossy, and it really sounded like Seuss. Bravo.
Sparx saysMay 4, 2007 at 6:08 pm
Or try being up all night
giving your breast
to a fat little baby
who’s taking your best.
In no time at all
you’ll be thinner and flat
or at least your boobs will,
You might just stay fat.
orangeblossoms saysMay 4, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Bossy and Orangeblossoms must have been having a seussicle moment this week. My blog features a Seussicle poem, too. But, mine’s by him. Bossy’s blog is much cleverer. I only copied Bossy’s fabulousness inasmuch as I was already in Seuss mode yesterday and wanted to share my entry. Apologies to Bossy, the original Seuss Queen.
Lauren saysMay 4, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Effing brilliant. Weight Watchers doesn’t give you points for fiber, but as filler in a Seussian poem, it sounds fine. I’m just a compulsive nitpicker.
Mr. Fabulous saysMay 5, 2007 at 5:54 am
Holy crap! You’re a fucking genius!
penny saysMay 5, 2007 at 9:42 am
Breastfeeding only makes you flat if you eat a poor diet or forget to wear your nursing bra!
Krissie saysMay 5, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Meghan saysMay 6, 2007 at 11:19 am
I just laughed so hard, I peed away half a pound.
I think I might have to link this in today’s entry. Because I’m PMSing and feeling lardy, but now I’m going to have a basket o’ bread and a big fat-fatty steak.
Nicole saysMay 6, 2007 at 3:23 pm
critiquing silly diet ideas in a sing-song fashion? Hmmmmm! I’m thinking best selling educational material for teenagers!
Hey, I’d buy it.
The best way to keep your kid from bad stuff is to tell them it causes farts and craps!
bobbarama saysMay 6, 2007 at 8:35 pm
Oh, my. Look here. A blog on a diet!
I stopped eating my food, things got quiet.
You caught me off guard,
With a mouth full of lard.
Oh, me, oh my. What a riot.
Your post was spectacular. Enjoyed it a lot. You’re going to make me blogroll you, aren’t you.
Oh, The Joys saysMay 6, 2007 at 9:42 pm
You are one nutty nut bag and I can’t wait to be all up in ur bizness.
Leah saysMay 6, 2007 at 11:27 pm
When does Bossicle open on Broadway? I so want a ticket.
Pioneer Woman saysMay 6, 2007 at 11:42 pm
Good God, woman. What are you, some kind of genius freakwad?
How old are you? Marlboro Man and I were discussing it. I won’t tell you who guessed what. Just answer the question, plese.
I’ve been eating leftover French cheese all day. Mostly, I’ve been smearing dill-encrusted goat cheese on Triscuits because I can.
Pioneer Woman saysMay 6, 2007 at 11:45 pm
BOSSY saysMay 7, 2007 at 12:47 am
Bossy is old enough to answer: Ageless.
magpie saysMay 7, 2007 at 10:02 am
I feel better about the steak I had for dinner last night.
Janelle saysMay 8, 2007 at 6:38 pm
tongue in cheek saysMay 11, 2007 at 3:15 am
In France they avoid the swimsuit problem by going topless.
and the men wear speedos
Al_Pal saysMay 7, 2008 at 3:06 am
Super awesome poem! This is fantastic.
Steaks and bread it is! 😀
Scout saysMay 4, 2011 at 6:11 am
Now I feel sputid. That’s cleared it up for me