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Blog Kindergarten: A Bossy Tutorial. Real Estate.

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Tired of wasting your time checking out houses and apartments that are nothing like their advertisement? Before you lose all will to live check out these commonly used advertising phrases followed by Bossy’s true definitions.

  • Air! – You provide the conditioning.

  • All new construction – The walls are made of a synthetic polymer slightly less sturdy than a mailing envelope.

  • Big dogs allowed – And boy will you need one!

  • Bright and airy – There’s a gigantic hole in the skylight.

  • Cathedral ceilings – The contractor never made it back to complete the attic drywall project.

  • Charming Victorian – Closets too shallow to accommodate an actual hanger.

  • Close to transportation! – You’ll need earplugs to obscure the rattle of the elevated subway that passes inches from your window.

  • Converted carriage house – All the rooms are the size of stalls and the place still smells like 100-year-old road apples.

  • Cozy efficiency –So small even your Corn Snake can’t stand up and turn around.

  • Day: $37-$53. Week: $115-$173. – Good luck with that.

  • $75/wk 2 wks dep. No drugs. – And good luck with that.

  • Decorator apartment – The walls are painted black and the appliances are the color of eggplants.

  • Distinctive apartments with character and personality – Hope you like roaches!

  • Eat in kitchen – No dining room.

  • End unit – Goodie, you can hear the traffic noise from two opposing streets!

  • Exposed brick – Behind the refrigerator! Which needs defrosting!

  • Free cable – The cable goes from the back of your television, through the open window, and over to your neighbor’s rooftop antenna.

  • Full-time front desk support to ensure your complete satisfaction – To ensure you don’t get murdered in your sleep.

  • Furnished – Certainly hope you like musty Barcaloungers.

  • Great location – The apartment itself sucks ass.

  • High-speed Internet! – At the Starbucks around the corner!

  • In golf community – Your gingham curtains will match the sea of madras golf shorts.

  • Island kitchen – The sitting water under the sink mixes with spilled Tidy Bowl for a Blue Lagoon effect.

  • Large deck – Predator-free larval mosquito habitat.

  • Located in historic building – World famous for the murders that took place last August.

  • Loft style apartment – There are no doors on the bedroom.

  • Lovingly restored – Ambitious Do-it-yourselfers = crooked tiles and leaky faucets.

  • Mountain view – If you stand on the toilet and twist your neck around the edge of the Jalousie window.

  • Must See! – Not so much.

  • Newly renovated – Smells like paint-covered mildew.

  • No credit check! – Block party delayed last year due to several untimely incarcerations.

  • No pets – Still trying to remove the lingering cat piss odor from the previous tenants.

  • Oceanfront – Ground level gets two inches of water during high tide.

  • Off-street parking – The cars are up on cinderblocks in the backyard.

  • On-street parking available – Available on Mischief Night and there’s a reason.

  • Open floor plan –You can see both your toilet and dishwasher from your bed.

  • Perfect for roommates – Don’t bring a child to within three miles of this neighborhood.

  • Pets welcome – They’ll just add to the chorus of Pit Bulls barking in the abandoned lot next door.

  • Pool! – All you’ll need is an Above-Ground Automatic Pool Cleaner, 3-Ring Pool Float, In-ground pump, Cartridge Pool Filter, Leaf Skimmer Cover, Cleaning Wand, Chlorine Tablets, pH Increaser, Algaecide, Safety Line, Floating Feeder, Clearview Vacuum, Leaf Skimmer, Telescoping Pole, Commercial Grade Vac Hose, Brush Head, Leaf Gulper, Heat Pump, Skimmer Guard, and a Woven Polyethylene Pool Cover for when the pool is not in use, which is 273 days a year.

  • Private entrance – Rapist included. Can of mace provided.

  • Private laundry facilities – If you go between the hours of 2am and 3:15 am.

  • Private Patio – A concrete slab surrounded by a chain link fence. Happy Barbequing!

  • Professional 24-hour property management – 24 hours a year.

  • Richly detailed amenities – The Norge refrigerator dates back to 1937.

  • Stunning natural light! – And good thing because the wiring is Knob & Tube and only 75 amps!

  • The apartment building is set apart from the noise and hustle-bustle of the city! – You will live two miles from a functioning street lamp.

  • Townhome – Get used to the sound of your neighbor snoring.

  • Two-car garage – One of those cars must be a Mini Cooper and the other must be the approximate size of Barbie’s Dream Buggy.

  • Updated kitchen – The Franklin Stove was recently replaced with a vintage microwave.

  • Walk-in closet – Also known as the Den, 3rd bedroom, and Office.

  • Within walking distance to restaurants and attractions – If you are an Olympic athlete.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. *heh* I think eggplant colored appliances would be kinda cool. I’m sending this to my brother now that he’s opened up his one real estate company.

  4. I agree with the “walking distance to restaurants and attractions” part. While I was looking for a place early this year I came across an ad that says exactly that, plus “close to transportation”. What they fail to mention is that it is “within walking distance to restaurants and attractions AFTER you have boarded the said transportation”. I got so disgusted. Besides, the room was just a walled balcony!!! Can you imagine!!

  13. Oh Bossy, I wish I would have found this list when renting my first apartment and later when my hubby bought his first house. Gah.

    So funny because its true.

  15. When we lived in the States we rented an apartment with french doors and a balcony. We asked how much the heating would cost and when we started paying twice what they told us we called the powercompany and found out it was more three or four times as much. We had a special routine in the morning involving an electrical blanket, sleeping with a knitted hat, a karosen heater and someone had to make a sacrifice of sitting down on the toilet ring first…

    Those were the days

  17. Oh, I do NOT miss shopping for real estate. At all. Except for open houses.

    ryc: Symptoms = spilling diabetic ketones, unable to eat more than 500 calories a day, vertigo, running into walls, losing ten pounds in four weeks, and an undescribable sensation that I can only describe as massive brain depletion.

    Okay, off to Macy’s for sunglasses now. (Damn, exhaustion rocks.)

  18. It took us over a year to find a house because of creative real estate terms. My favorite was the half bath that turned out to be a toilet in the laundry room. Yup, a washer, a dryer and a toilet. So how do you know when a real estate agent is lying? Their lips are moving.

  21. Looking on the bright side of this:

    High-speed Internet! – At the Starbucks around the corner!

    At least there’s a Starbuck’s around the corner.

  22. This list is EXACTLY why we bought “brand new”…

    But, I will keep these creative descriptions in mind if we ever decide to sell the house! LMAO!!

  26. HHAA!! excellent interpretations!! anytime they use the term “cozy”, I’m like, “please, asshole…” as if we don’t know that it’s big enough for you and a pair of pants.

  27. So true. I have learned to ignore “cozy” and realize that “recently renovated” means “this place was previously a shithole, and is now a shithole with crappily applied paint!” I hate apartment hunting.

  30. Gee I laughed … we are house-shopping and, well, quel nightmare …
    Thanks for stopping by my blog, ’twas like having a celebrity visit.
    Husband, in awe: “BOSSY visited! Look! BOSSY!” (He is obscurely fascinated with your blog since the whole Tampax thing, not sure if he’ll ever get over it …)

  31. And the asking prices for these hovels, uh, gems? Your yearly salary and first, second, and third born children forever and ever, amen. Let the market crash, I say.

  32. My, umm, ‘Corn Stalk’???

    And, believe me, you kinda get used to smell of freshly painted mildew. {aaah-chooo!} The sneezin’s another story altogether, though.

  38. Within walking distance to restaurants and attractions , I think this is the usual site that sells easier because people like to live in certain place that could easily be accessible to a mall or shop. The more accessible to restaurant and attractions the more you could market it and the more money you could earn as well.

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