Once upon a time there was a Bossy. And this Bossy was an Interior Painter.
And so it was that Bossy the painter had a client who lived all year round in a land far far away. At the Jersey shore. And for the sake of this story let’s just call this client Dave. Because that was his name. And this Dave was very wry. And dry. But mostly wry. This is Dave:
OK – so maybe that’s Larry David. But Larry David acts like Dave. Other people who act like Dave:
Which is to say that Bossy really liked her client Dave. In fact she sort of loved him. He was a hoot.
And this client Dave had a wife who we’ll call Ann. Because that’s her name. Ann wasn’t wry or dry. She was mostly dumb. This is Ann:
About three years ago, in this Kingdom far far away at the Jersey shore, Dave and Ann hired Bossy to paint their Guest Apartment which is located on the top floor of their beach house. At the beach. And they also hired Bossy’s mother to decorate the beach apartment. At the beach. This is it before:
And this is the apartment after it was finished:
And Dave and Ann were pleased with the work and everyone lived
happily ever aft Not So Fast, sports fans.
It came to pass one humid August day of the year 2007: the phone rang. Inside Bossy’s head. She took another Darvocet and fell fast asleep. But then the real telephone rang and when Bossy answered the real telephone, it was her client Dave. And he was offering his Guest Apartment at the beach to Bossy and her family free of charge. “No one ever uses it,” said Dave.
And so it was decided that Bossy and her family would stay in the Guest Apartment for one week in exchange for this one thing carefully spelled out:
That’s right, Bossy and her family would owe nothing in exchange for the Guest Apartment. And so Bossy and her family packed two cars with bathing suits and bikes and garden tomatoes and beer and Captain Crunch and sunblock and off they drove to set up shop at the beach:
On the first vacation morning Bossy’s husband volunteered his toolbox and services for any tasks that needed doing around the property but Dave brushed the offer away with his hand. Dave and Ann repeatedly told them how perfectly wonderful it was that Bossy and her family were able to enjoy the Guest Apartment. “No one ever uses it,” said Dave. So Bossy and her family relaxed into their beach vacation.
And boy did Bossy and her family have fun. They played the usual board games, like Guess Who? has the Weirdest Ocean Hair?
But then one very cold windy night that was actually a sweltering summer morning,
Hairy Ass Ann came up into the Guest Apartment and unto Bossy and her family said, “You people have been here for ten days—what are you doing here and when are you going to paint my master bedroom?”
This confused Bossy and her family since they had been there for five days, not ten, and because
Hairy Ass Ann never mentioned that the Guest Apartment was in fact barter for priming the smelly underside of one thousand lacquered louver doors.
And so Bossy and her family promptly packed up the cars again, dumping wet bathing suits, rotten garden tomatoes, and half-finished bottles of wine directly into the back seat.
And then the family drove 70-miles-per-hour toward
sanity home. But not before Bossy’s husband installed new drapery panels in Ann’s evil lair master bedroom, and not before Bossy repainted the stair risers that climb to the Guest Apartment. Because that’s the way Bossy and her family roll.
And because Bossy still sort of loves her client Dave.
Jennifer saysAugust 13, 2007 at 7:26 am
That must have been really uncomfortable for Bossy and her family. Does Dave know that his wife is a Hairy Ass? Do they read this blog (I’m thinking NO).
We had a strange vacation also at a b&b in Washington – owners Mr. and Mrs Hyde.
I hope you had at least a little bit of fun. Oh, well. Welcome home!
PS. Karl Rove is resigning! (No more havoc left to wreak, I guess.)
dexter saysAugust 13, 2007 at 7:26 am
Hey, I recognize that picture of Ann!!! She really hasnt changed much over the years. She looks a little older and her cheeks drooped a little, but I know that’s her. Bossy should have kicked her ass…..face
Nancy saysAugust 13, 2007 at 7:43 am
WoW Was Dave aware of Mrs H.A.’s ahem, hospitality? Talk about a twilight zone moment. I hope there was a lot of fun and relaxation before the hairy storm hit.
Alex Elliot saysAugust 13, 2007 at 8:05 am
You and your husband are great people to do all that unexpected unbargained for work. I loved all the pictures! I just went to the Jersey Shore for the first time this past week courtesy of my generous friends who rented a house for their friends.
Mary Alice saysAugust 13, 2007 at 8:07 am
I may have met Ann once …looks familiar…anyway, maybe Ann has a little problem with the vino, like maybe she blacks out and looses track of time and holds imaginary conversations in her ass–I mean her head?
kara saysAugust 13, 2007 at 8:17 am
Whoa…Ann is quite a looker huh?
Manic Mommy saysAugust 13, 2007 at 8:30 am
Wow. What a bitch.
LOVED the paint and decorating in the guest apartment. If we ever get our Cape house, can I hire you to come and paint it?
Bring the fam, I’ll pack the wine and Corona Lights!
Avitable saysAugust 13, 2007 at 8:46 am
Please send Ann some gum. Her breath is horrible.
Jodi saysAugust 13, 2007 at 9:04 am
I was thinking, “hey, this is a great story and I don’t like Ann,” but then I heard the lady on the news say that Rove resigned. (Too little, too late). Still, this is a great story.
Andrea saysAugust 13, 2007 at 9:05 am
I actually gasped when I read the part about Hairy Ass asking when you were going to paint the bedroom. RUDE!
Next year you should return to Vermont for your vacation. We’ll keep the light on for you.
Noelle saysAugust 13, 2007 at 9:27 am
Bossy, when I am rich enough to have a beach house, you can totally stay as long as you want. Please mark your calendar for the summer of 2197. Also, if you are asked back to paint, I think you should do a mural with flying seagulls that look mysteriously like a hairy ass.
vuboq saysAugust 13, 2007 at 9:36 am
BOSSY was an interior painter? YAY! Quick. Answer this: Which color is better for my tiny spare bedroom/office – pumpkin pie or summer peach? Both sound delicious, and I’m incapable of making a decision.
BOSSY saysAugust 13, 2007 at 9:48 am
Vuboq: Tiny? Go with summer peach. Light trim and ceiling.
Dexter: If Ann needs a good Face-kicking, then where shall Bossy go to kiss her ass?
Jodi: Are you trying to tell Bossy she should have posted about Karl Rove?
Noelle: Summer of 2197. Check.
Erin saysAugust 13, 2007 at 10:17 am
I think Miss Ann might need a dose of Lithium.
DD saysAugust 13, 2007 at 10:18 am
It seems I have found my husband’s long lost twin sister!
Dave may be a Hoot, but Ann is a Loon.
Scott-O-Rama saysAugust 13, 2007 at 11:22 am
I’ll have you know that I am going to be late for work this morning because Buckaroo told me I had to read this post immediately because it’s really funny and being the good-little obliging husband… err, I mean civil partner… ummm… complete stranger that I am, I obeyed.
orangeblossoms saysAugust 13, 2007 at 11:42 am
Oh Bossy! That totally bites! I wonder how long that Ann creature has been masquerading as human. At least you got five days of beach out of it. Or, ten in Ann-days.
Howard saysAugust 13, 2007 at 11:47 am
Weird. People suck most of the time and it’s usually not enjoyable.
The Domestic Goddess saysAugust 13, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Now I know who to call when I get frustrated with my husband because we have several 5-gallon buckets of paint in the basement. For the past two years. And we haven’t painted yet.
Oh, The Joys saysAugust 13, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Ann? Not so photogenic.
p.s. why is bossy’s site taking nigh on 40 light years to load these days?
madmad saysAugust 13, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Who’s going to pay for the concussion I suffered when I fell out of my chair after seeing that hairy ass, that’s what I wanna know. Whew. Well, anyway, if you start with my dining room…
Phoenix saysAugust 13, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Ann scared me.
I hope you had five fun filled beach days before you were forced to escape.
Audubon Ron saysAugust 13, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Karl Rove resigned? Shit, see I wouldn’t have known that had I not read this blog. Great infomercial piece. That’s why I routinely read this blog. I learn stuff.
Biddy saysAugust 13, 2007 at 1:45 pm
i’m going to have nightmares about ann now…thanks…
oh and by the way, i can totally pay you in Darvocet, beer, and wine if you will come paint my craft room and bathroom 🙂 i may even be able to throw in a few valium hehe
flutter saysAugust 13, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Oy the water and it’s rushing to and fro!
nutmeg saysAugust 13, 2007 at 1:54 pm
I would just like to know where Bossy got that picture of my ASS!
Mrs. Chicky saysAugust 13, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Oh fer chrissake. That woman sounds like a fruitcake. A hairy one. They’re the worst kind.
Crystal saysAugust 13, 2007 at 2:39 pm
I think Bossy’s job on that apartment is fabulous. And I think Hairy Ass needs to do something useful like find some wax and learn to paint her own friggin bedroom.
You are a saint for doing ANYTHING.
mp saysAugust 13, 2007 at 3:34 pm
I love how Bossy tells a story. The pictures are a bonus. That was nice of Ann to pose for you!
Melissa in NZ saysAugust 13, 2007 at 3:38 pm
BOSSY is a SAINT! And Ann needs her bottom waxed …
mothergoosemouse saysAugust 13, 2007 at 3:50 pm
I would so love for Bossy to come help me paint. I would provide wine and a pool for lounging and wine and a comfy bed and more wine. And no one around here looks like Ann or experiences bouts of schizophrenia.
Mr Farty saysAugust 13, 2007 at 3:54 pm
What a beyatch! (See? I’m learning Merkan!)
Please please please come and post Karl Rove’s blog at http://celebritylitigation.blogspot.com/
so that people outside of Merka can learn who the feck he is, I mean was.
joeinvegas saysAugust 13, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Picture stories – nice.
Sorry you got kicked out, but you should have said that you’re working on it and stayed another five days.
jean saysAugust 13, 2007 at 4:13 pm
I’m never sure how much of your story to believe. I mean, I’m sure Ann was an ass, but a hairy one? See. It makes me question everything.
Ruth Dynamite saysAugust 13, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I’m totally going to invite people over for “free” visits from now on. Bossy, you and your family are welcome any time. (Can you re-finish wood floors? Just curious.)
Ruth Dynamite saysAugust 13, 2007 at 6:01 pm
I’m totally going to invite people over for “free” visits from now on. Bossy, you and your family are welcome any time. (Just curious. Can you re-finish wood floors?)
Jason saysAugust 13, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Poor Bossy. How does she find herself in these perDickaments?
Oh, and Ann needs to try Nair on that peachfuzz face of hers 😉
joy saysAugust 13, 2007 at 8:35 pm
Finally I am HERE! And this is just awesomeness. I love Bossy. LOVE.
(anything with bare ass pics has my vote…)
Dawn - Coming to a Nursery Near You saysAugust 13, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Ok, that so totally blows bubbles by the seashore. I hope you painted them zebra stripes or something 🙂
Meghan saysAugust 13, 2007 at 10:28 pm
You’d think HairyAnn would’ve been a bit more appreciative after you left her a child.
Meegan saysAugust 13, 2007 at 10:56 pm
I think I dated Ann once. But then I remembered that I have no time in my life for hairy asses so I kicked hers to the curb. Poor Bossy. Vacation is NOT work time. Hairy Ass is MEAN.
superblondgirl saysAugust 13, 2007 at 10:58 pm
I had to snort at the picture of Ann. She’s HOT. Seriously. I’d paint her louvre doors any day (this is an innuendo that doesn’t come across the internets so well) Woo-woo!!!
Seriously, at least you got 5 days at the Jersey Shore out of it! (Even if New Jersey = scary, apparently the Shore = Shangri-La for Philadelphians, so NJ can’t be all bad).
Also, I love how all pics of you contain your arm, stretched out to hold the camera. It is awesome.
Mom101 saysAugust 13, 2007 at 11:35 pm
It’s Ann Coulter right? With the hairy ass? Tell me it’s Ann Coulter.
stella saysAugust 13, 2007 at 11:45 pm
oh bossy. this is so wrong. why is cool dave married to such a hairy ass? im sorry your family vacation got snuffed short:-(
Pioneer Woman saysAugust 14, 2007 at 12:00 am
What the crap? I’ll bet Ann smells like that hairy bottom.
I hate people with conditions. I mean conditions, like they’re generous, but with conditions.
But I love your Baywatch suit.
Seattle Mamacita saysAugust 14, 2007 at 12:34 am
i hope that books wasn’t ann’s!
bitemycookie saysAugust 14, 2007 at 1:03 am
amazing. i have so many questions.
like, is that an actual pin on your swimsuit that you borrowed from pam anderson?
are you ef.you.see.kaying me? with the paint job?
were you really supposed to stay for ten days?
is that really dave?
i sure hope the answer to all of those things is “hell, yes.”
next time dont pour the wine into the actual seat. much easier to craft a road soda out of a plastic cup.
OMSH saysAugust 14, 2007 at 1:08 am
I find myself wanting to know more … specifically why Ann had to have such a hairy a$$.
No really – what the freak? Where did “nothing” turn into “something?”
Any more scoop on that. As much as I loved the story, I’m desperate for closure.
qt saysAugust 14, 2007 at 8:37 am
Dude – Ann is decidedly uncool. Not that I am telling you something you didn’t already know.
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing. Maybe Ann hasn’t heard that song?
Queeny saysAugust 14, 2007 at 2:06 pm
My ass thanks you for posting a picture of one that it can put to shame. Gracias.
Criquette saysAugust 14, 2007 at 2:35 pm
In my business, we run across a lot of irrational, erratic, and psycho behavior such as that exhibited by your hostess-with-the-mostest-ass-hair and we diagnose it as a “personality disorder”. At some point in their miserable, self-focused lives, these people usually manage to piss off everyone they have any kind of relationship with. After awhile, they’re about as welcome as a big ole hairy ass at the public beach. I’m glad Bossy and family responded in such a classy way. Please tell me you forgot to put the “wet paint” sign on those stairs!
Cindy Z saysAugust 14, 2007 at 9:13 pm
I finally had to check out your blog after reading comments on PW’s blog each day! You are now stop number 2 each morning 🙂
I don’t like mean people! Ann = mean people!
I am enjoying you blog!
surcie saysAugust 15, 2007 at 12:28 am
With a butt like that, I’m guessing Ann has man hands.
NotSoSage saysAugust 15, 2007 at 10:46 am
Your mom did a beautiful job on that room.
We have a guest room/office/storage room that you and your family are welcome to use at any time, on your next visit to Canada. Free of charge. Really.
Lori saysAugust 16, 2007 at 4:43 pm
This had got to be one of my favorite posts. Although I don’t know whether the post or the other comments made me laugh more! Sorry you vaca was a bust or ass!