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i am bossy

Bossy’s Vacation Horror Story Bedtime Story.

Once upon a time there was a Bossy. And this Bossy was an Interior Painter.

painter

And so it was that Bossy the painter had a client who lived all year round in a land far far away. At the Jersey shore. And for the sake of this story let’s just call this client Dave. Because that was his name. And this Dave was very wry. And dry. But mostly wry. This is Dave:

Directors Guild

OK – so maybe that’s Larry David. But Larry David acts like Dave. Other people who act like Dave:

howard-john

Which is to say that Bossy really liked her client Dave. In fact she sort of loved him. He was a hoot.

hoot

And this client Dave had a wife who we’ll call Ann. Because that’s her name. Ann wasn’t wry or dry. She was mostly dumb. This is Ann:

ass

About three years ago, in this Kingdom far far away at the Jersey shore, Dave and Ann hired Bossy to paint their Guest Apartment which is located on the top floor of their beach house. At the beach. And they also hired Bossy’s mother to decorate the beach apartment. At the beach. This is it before:

apt

And this is the apartment after it was finished:

apt2

And Dave and Ann were pleased with the work and everyone lived happily ever aft Not So Fast, sports fans.

It came to pass one humid August day of the year 2007: the phone rang. Inside Bossy’s head. She took another Darvocet and fell fast asleep. But then the real telephone rang and when Bossy answered the real telephone, it was her client Dave. And he was offering his Guest Apartment at the beach to Bossy and her family free of charge. “No one ever uses it,” said Dave.

And so it was decided that Bossy and her family would stay in the Guest Apartment for one week in exchange for this one thing carefully spelled out:

nothing

That’s right, Bossy and her family would owe nothing in exchange for the Guest Apartment. And so Bossy and her family packed two cars with bathing suits and bikes and garden tomatoes and beer and Captain Crunch and sunblock and off they drove to set up shop at the beach:

chairs

On the first vacation morning Bossy’s husband volunteered his toolbox and services for any tasks that needed doing around the property but Dave brushed the offer away with his hand. Dave and Ann repeatedly told them how perfectly wonderful it was that Bossy and her family were able to enjoy the Guest Apartment. “No one ever uses it,” said Dave. So Bossy and her family relaxed into their beach vacation.

in-chairs

And boy did Bossy and her family have fun. They played the usual board games, like Guess Who? has the Weirdest Ocean Hair?

ocean-hair

But then one very cold windy night that was actually a sweltering summer morning, Hairy Ass Ann came up into the Guest Apartment and unto Bossy and her family said, “You people have been here for ten days—what are you doing here and when are you going to paint my master bedroom?”

water-in

This confused Bossy and her family since they had been there for five days, not ten, and because Hairy Ass Ann never mentioned that the Guest Apartment was in fact barter for priming the smelly underside of one thousand lacquered louver doors.

wet-book

And so Bossy and her family promptly packed up the cars again, dumping wet bathing suits, rotten garden tomatoes, and half-finished bottles of wine directly into the back seat.

And then the family drove 70-miles-per-hour toward sanity home. But not before Bossy’s husband installed new drapery panels in Ann’s evil lair master bedroom, and not before Bossy repainted the stair risers that climb to the Guest Apartment. Because that’s the way Bossy and her family roll.

sand-covered

And because Bossy still sort of loves her client Dave.

dave1

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. That must have been really uncomfortable for Bossy and her family. Does Dave know that his wife is a Hairy Ass? Do they read this blog (I’m thinking NO).

    We had a strange vacation also at a b&b in Washington – owners Mr. and Mrs Hyde.

    I hope you had at least a little bit of fun. Oh, well. Welcome home!

    PS. Karl Rove is resigning! (No more havoc left to wreak, I guess.)

  2. Hey, I recognize that picture of Ann!!! She really hasnt changed much over the years. She looks a little older and her cheeks drooped a little, but I know that’s her. Bossy should have kicked her ass…..face

  3. WoW Was Dave aware of Mrs H.A.’s ahem, hospitality? Talk about a twilight zone moment. I hope there was a lot of fun and relaxation before the hairy storm hit.

  4. You and your husband are great people to do all that unexpected unbargained for work. I loved all the pictures! I just went to the Jersey Shore for the first time this past week courtesy of my generous friends who rented a house for their friends.

  5. I may have met Ann once …looks familiar…anyway, maybe Ann has a little problem with the vino, like maybe she blacks out and looses track of time and holds imaginary conversations in her ass–I mean her head?

  7. Wow. What a bitch.

    LOVED the paint and decorating in the guest apartment. If we ever get our Cape house, can I hire you to come and paint it?

    Bring the fam, I’ll pack the wine and Corona Lights!

  9. I was thinking, “hey, this is a great story and I don’t like Ann,” but then I heard the lady on the news say that Rove resigned. (Too little, too late). Still, this is a great story.

  10. I actually gasped when I read the part about Hairy Ass asking when you were going to paint the bedroom. RUDE!

    Next year you should return to Vermont for your vacation. We’ll keep the light on for you.

  11. Bossy, when I am rich enough to have a beach house, you can totally stay as long as you want. Please mark your calendar for the summer of 2197. Also, if you are asked back to paint, I think you should do a mural with flying seagulls that look mysteriously like a hairy ass.

  12. BOSSY was an interior painter? YAY! Quick. Answer this: Which color is better for my tiny spare bedroom/office – pumpkin pie or summer peach? Both sound delicious, and I’m incapable of making a decision.

  13. Vuboq: Tiny? Go with summer peach. Light trim and ceiling.

    Dexter: If Ann needs a good Face-kicking, then where shall Bossy go to kiss her ass?

    Jodi: Are you trying to tell Bossy she should have posted about Karl Rove?

    Noelle: Summer of 2197. Check.

  16. I’ll have you know that I am going to be late for work this morning because Buckaroo told me I had to read this post immediately because it’s really funny and being the good-little obliging husband… err, I mean civil partner… ummm… complete stranger that I am, I obeyed.

  17. Oh Bossy! That totally bites! I wonder how long that Ann creature has been masquerading as human. At least you got five days of beach out of it. Or, ten in Ann-days.

  19. Now I know who to call when I get frustrated with my husband because we have several 5-gallon buckets of paint in the basement. For the past two years. And we haven’t painted yet.

  21. Who’s going to pay for the concussion I suffered when I fell out of my chair after seeing that hairy ass, that’s what I wanna know. Whew. Well, anyway, if you start with my dining room…

  23. Karl Rove resigned? Shit, see I wouldn’t have known that had I not read this blog. Great infomercial piece. That’s why I routinely read this blog. I learn stuff.

  24. i’m going to have nightmares about ann now…thanks…

    oh and by the way, i can totally pay you in Darvocet, beer, and wine if you will come paint my craft room and bathroom 🙂 i may even be able to throw in a few valium hehe

  28. I think Bossy’s job on that apartment is fabulous. And I think Hairy Ass needs to do something useful like find some wax and learn to paint her own friggin bedroom.

    You are a saint for doing ANYTHING.

  31. I would so love for Bossy to come help me paint. I would provide wine and a pool for lounging and wine and a comfy bed and more wine. And no one around here looks like Ann or experiences bouts of schizophrenia.

  34. I’m never sure how much of your story to believe. I mean, I’m sure Ann was an ass, but a hairy one? See. It makes me question everything.

  35. I’m totally going to invite people over for “free” visits from now on. Bossy, you and your family are welcome any time. (Can you re-finish wood floors? Just curious.)

  36. I’m totally going to invite people over for “free” visits from now on. Bossy, you and your family are welcome any time. (Just curious. Can you re-finish wood floors?)

  37. Poor Bossy. How does she find herself in these perDickaments?

    Oh, and Ann needs to try Nair on that peachfuzz face of hers 😉

  38. Finally I am HERE! And this is just awesomeness. I love Bossy. LOVE.

    (anything with bare ass pics has my vote…)

  41. I think I dated Ann once. But then I remembered that I have no time in my life for hairy asses so I kicked hers to the curb. Poor Bossy. Vacation is NOT work time. Hairy Ass is MEAN.

  42. I had to snort at the picture of Ann. She’s HOT. Seriously. I’d paint her louvre doors any day (this is an innuendo that doesn’t come across the internets so well) Woo-woo!!!

    Seriously, at least you got 5 days at the Jersey Shore out of it! (Even if New Jersey = scary, apparently the Shore = Shangri-La for Philadelphians, so NJ can’t be all bad).
    Also, I love how all pics of you contain your arm, stretched out to hold the camera. It is awesome.

  44. oh bossy. this is so wrong. why is cool dave married to such a hairy ass? im sorry your family vacation got snuffed short:-(

  45. What the crap? I’ll bet Ann smells like that hairy bottom.

    I hate people with conditions. I mean conditions, like they’re generous, but with conditions.

    But I love your Baywatch suit.

  47. amazing. i have so many questions.

    like, is that an actual pin on your swimsuit that you borrowed from pam anderson?

    are you ef.you.see.kaying me? with the paint job?

    were you really supposed to stay for ten days?

    is that really dave?

    i sure hope the answer to all of those things is “hell, yes.”

    next time dont pour the wine into the actual seat. much easier to craft a road soda out of a plastic cup.

  48. I find myself wanting to know more … specifically why Ann had to have such a hairy a$$.

    No really – what the freak? Where did “nothing” turn into “something?”

    Any more scoop on that. As much as I loved the story, I’m desperate for closure.

  49. Dude – Ann is decidedly uncool. Not that I am telling you something you didn’t already know.

    Nothing from nothing leaves nothing. Maybe Ann hasn’t heard that song?

  51. In my business, we run across a lot of irrational, erratic, and psycho behavior such as that exhibited by your hostess-with-the-mostest-ass-hair and we diagnose it as a “personality disorder”. At some point in their miserable, self-focused lives, these people usually manage to piss off everyone they have any kind of relationship with. After awhile, they’re about as welcome as a big ole hairy ass at the public beach. I’m glad Bossy and family responded in such a classy way. Please tell me you forgot to put the “wet paint” sign on those stairs!

  52. I finally had to check out your blog after reading comments on PW’s blog each day! You are now stop number 2 each morning 🙂

    I don’t like mean people! Ann = mean people!

    I am enjoying you blog!

  54. Your mom did a beautiful job on that room.

    We have a guest room/office/storage room that you and your family are welcome to use at any time, on your next visit to Canada. Free of charge. Really.

    Wanna come?

  55. This had got to be one of my favorite posts. Although I don’t know whether the post or the other comments made me laugh more! Sorry you vaca was a bust or ass!