Once upon a time there was a Bossy. And this Bossy was an Interior Painter.
And so it was that Bossy the painter had a client who lived all year round in a land far far away. At the Jersey shore. And for the sake of this story let’s just call this client Dave. Because that was his name. And this Dave was very wry. And dry. But mostly wry. This is Dave:
OK – so maybe that’s Larry David. But Larry David acts like Dave. Other people who act like Dave:
Which is to say that Bossy really liked her client Dave. In fact she sort of loved him. He was a hoot.
And this client Dave had a wife who we’ll call Ann. Because that’s her name. Ann wasn’t wry or dry. She was mostly dumb. This is Ann:
About three years ago, in this Kingdom far far away at the Jersey shore, Dave and Ann hired Bossy to paint their Guest Apartment which is located on the top floor of their beach house. At the beach. And they also hired Bossy’s mother to decorate the beach apartment. At the beach. This is it before:
And this is the apartment after it was finished:
And Dave and Ann were pleased with the work and everyone lived
happily ever aft Not So Fast, sports fans.
It came to pass one humid August day of the year 2007: the phone rang. Inside Bossy’s head. She took another Darvocet and fell fast asleep. But then the real telephone rang and when Bossy answered the real telephone, it was her client Dave. And he was offering his Guest Apartment at the beach to Bossy and her family free of charge. “No one ever uses it,” said Dave.
And so it was decided that Bossy and her family would stay in the Guest Apartment for one week in exchange for this one thing carefully spelled out:
That’s right, Bossy and her family would owe nothing in exchange for the Guest Apartment. And so Bossy and her family packed two cars with bathing suits and bikes and garden tomatoes and beer and Captain Crunch and sunblock and off they drove to set up shop at the beach:
On the first vacation morning Bossy’s husband volunteered his toolbox and services for any tasks that needed doing around the property but Dave brushed the offer away with his hand. Dave and Ann repeatedly told them how perfectly wonderful it was that Bossy and her family were able to enjoy the Guest Apartment. “No one ever uses it,” said Dave. So Bossy and her family relaxed into their beach vacation.
And boy did Bossy and her family have fun. They played the usual board games, like Guess Who? has the Weirdest Ocean Hair?
But then one very cold windy night that was actually a sweltering summer morning,
Hairy Ass Ann came up into the Guest Apartment and unto Bossy and her family said, “You people have been here for ten days—what are you doing here and when are you going to paint my master bedroom?”
This confused Bossy and her family since they had been there for five days, not ten, and because
Hairy Ass Ann never mentioned that the Guest Apartment was in fact barter for priming the smelly underside of one thousand lacquered louver doors.
And so Bossy and her family promptly packed up the cars again, dumping wet bathing suits, rotten garden tomatoes, and half-finished bottles of wine directly into the back seat.
And then the family drove 70-miles-per-hour toward
sanity home. But not before Bossy’s husband installed new drapery panels in Ann’s evil lair master bedroom, and not before Bossy repainted the stair risers that climb to the Guest Apartment. Because that’s the way Bossy and her family roll.
And because Bossy still sort of loves her client Dave.