According to Careerbuilder.com, your handshake is sending a clear message to prospective employers. In a totally recent 2001 survey, decision-makers prefer the job candidate with multiple body piercings to the candidate with the clammy claw. In addition, a study by the totally famous Incomm Center for Trade Show Research concludes that you become twice as memorable when your greeting includes a handshake.
Luckily Pamela J. Holland and Marjorie Brodhas—workplace experts and coauthors of “Help! Was That a Career Limiting Move?”—compiled a list of
Ten Handshakes To Avoid, which Bossy will now attempt to put in her own words because she saw a little blurb on their website to the effect of If You Copy Even One Syllable Of This We Will Put You Out Of Business So Fast And We Should Know Because We’re Career Experts. Shall we begin?
- The Bone Crunching Shake. Fun turns to tragedy when you send your prospective boss to the emergency room for x-rays. Avoid.
- The Dead You-Know-What Shake. Rhymes with “ish”.
- The Finger-Only Shake. This is when you extend only the tips of your fingers. Like, ew.
- The Weak Shake. This is when you combine fat-free milk with sugar-free ice cream.
- The Old-clay Ammy-clay Shake. First: learn Pig Latin. Next: warm your hands before shaking.
- The Sweaty Shake. Apply talc to your hands immediately prior to shaking. Because that sounds really easy to pull off and way less offensive. Wha?
- The Covering-The-Handshake-With-Your-Free-Hand Shake. Because Bossy believes in brevity when paraphrasing.
- The Eternal Shake. Pumping is for wells.
- Shaking With Your Non-Dominant Hand. Now who’s getting a little picky? (Pamela J. Holland and Marjorie Brodhas, we’re looking at you.)
- The Ringo Shake. Inflicting pain due to an overabundance of prominent gemstones. Barbara Bach optional.
Phillip says
November 6, 2007 at 11:08 amThey count you off if you shake with the Non-Dominant hand? What if you don’t have a choice? If one person is left handed (i.e. me) and the other person is right handed, someone is bound to not be shaking with their dominant hand…the whole thing seems a little biased towards right-handers…like the rest of the world…
nap warden says
November 6, 2007 at 11:12 amWe call #7 the “double pump”…it’s big with hardcore politicians. Husband is one, he uses it a lot.
Lori says
November 6, 2007 at 11:23 amI agree with Phillip. I believe they are discriminating the left handers and I plan to let them know it! I may even file a class action lawsuit against them!
Janice in TX says
November 6, 2007 at 11:55 amBecause I have a problem with sweaty palms in stressful situations I try to avoid shaking hands. To avoid offending people I give the peach sign.
I appreciate the talcum powder tip but applying powder right before shaking hands might look kinda strange.
Peace, sister!
Janice in TX says
November 6, 2007 at 11:56 amBecause I have a problem with sweaty palms in stressful situations I try to avoid shaking hands. To avoid offending people I give the peace sign.
I appreciate the talcum powder tip but applying powder right before shaking hands might look kinda strange.
Peace, sister!
Evolving says
November 6, 2007 at 12:02 pm“The Dead You-Know-What Shake. Rhymes with “ish”, smells funny”
This disturbs me. I don’t think I want to meet someone with funky fingers.
I once had a guy hand my moist, smelly cash at a job. It had come from his SHOE. This was bad enough.
Noelle says
November 6, 2007 at 12:14 pmI hope that someday I’m in a position to hire people so I can slowly weed the “rhymes with ish” handshakers out of the work force.
soNOTcool says
November 6, 2007 at 12:22 pmI must say that I am a handshaker. I am disappointed by how many women are wimpy-ass handshakers. Disappointing.
My husband and I once met with a loan officer. He was a jackass with a *display of power* handshake. We chose to go with a different bank just based on that handshake.
David says
November 6, 2007 at 12:28 pmRe: #8, it’s also for really hot third dates.
blackbird says
November 6, 2007 at 12:58 pmI’ll take any of them over the I KISS EVERYONE INCLUDING PEOPLE I’VE NEVER MET greeting.
Avitable says
November 6, 2007 at 1:10 pmI like to shake and then use my index finger to tickle their palm. Works every time.
Alice says
November 6, 2007 at 1:29 pmi had a friend growing up whose dad would do the bone-crushing handshake (on little girls!) and then wobble around your knuckles so it felt like he was rearranging them. he thought it was hilarious. i did not find it equally hilarious.
erin says
November 6, 2007 at 1:40 pmNever shake hands with someone just leaving the bathroom….you just never know;)
Kristabella says
November 6, 2007 at 2:59 pmI got a job because the other candidate did the one that rhymes with dead “ish.”
Hey, it was with the 49ers. I was going to take it anyway I could. And that will teach that girl to give a lame handshake!
Sarah at In the Trenches of Mommyhood says
November 6, 2007 at 3:03 pmApparently my bro-in-law has the #1. Bone-crushing. So when he visits, I enjoy watching my Hubby try to dodge the inevitable. By not getting up, by waving to him from afar…but nothing works. There’s always the handshake. I love watching my Hubby squirm. Is that bad?
Brando says
November 6, 2007 at 3:32 pmI like to go with the Roman forearm grab. Classic, macho, and it says I will crush Gauls for you.
qt says
November 6, 2007 at 3:51 pmI hate shaking hands – ugh. I always feel like I don’t squeeze hard enough.
Mr Farty says
November 6, 2007 at 4:47 pmI’m sooooooo keeping my hands behind my back.
You won’t have heard of him, but there’s a British tv presenter called Jeremy Beadle. He has a withered hand and thinks it’s hilarious when he uses it to shake hands with unsuspecting victims.
All Adither says
November 6, 2007 at 5:01 pmThere was nothing saying you couldn’t spit in your palm first.
meleah rebeccah says
November 6, 2007 at 6:07 pmI got a weak shake, I must hang my head in shame and go work on that.
annie says
November 6, 2007 at 6:24 pmI’m a Germ-o-phobe so I HATE hand-shaking of any kind. Especially men, they never wash after using the restroom, ew!
And it’s so primitive. I find it about as classy as dogs sniffing each others asses.
I think we should bow, like the Japanese.
Karen says
November 6, 2007 at 6:36 pmfunny, but I’m distracted by the photo of the scary woman top left.
countrymouse says
November 6, 2007 at 7:51 pmI have dry skin but I don’t think slathering in moisturizer before a handshake is a great solution. Instead, when I’m preparing for an interview, I “accidentally” leave a few blouse buttons undone. It seems to outweigh the sandpaper handshake : )
Alex Elliot says
November 6, 2007 at 8:48 pmPersonally, I prefer it when people give me the I’ve-washed-my -hands -after -going -to -bathroom shake.
Queeny says
November 6, 2007 at 10:14 pmI ever-nay ake-shay ands-hey. I curtsy; that’s the way to go if you reeeaaallly want the job.
jozet says
November 7, 2007 at 1:35 amI like to just bump knuckles, and then pretend to shoot with my other hand.
It never fails to get me the job.
Of course, I’m a lounge singer at Holiday Inn.
YetAnotherKaren says
November 7, 2007 at 8:04 amI learned a proper handshake when I was 15 and my parents dragged me along to their get-rich-quick MLM nightmares, where apparently all one needs is the ability to shake hands and remember people’s names (thank you, Dale Carnegie) and then success is yours!!
The handshake thing must have been a bit odd in a 15-year old girl, but whatever. Those things stick with you forever.
Heather says
November 7, 2007 at 8:27 amNice synopsis. One I particularly hate is the slap in the back as hard as you can while holding the hand of the shakee so they cannot escape.
Audubon Ron says
November 7, 2007 at 11:30 amYou forgot the “Yes, I just come from the John and didn’t wash my hands” shake. I use that one all the time.
Wayne says
November 7, 2007 at 6:56 pmI like the people who carry around anti-bacterial soap with them and right as you go to shake their hand, they say “oh!” like they just remembered something and then they dig out the dispenser, rub their hands in the stuff and THEN they’re ok to shake your hands.
I guess once a leper, always a leper. People never let me be!
Moogie says
November 7, 2007 at 7:11 pmI have been a victim of many of these handshakes. Just the other day I picked up my daughter from a slumber party, and the dad introduced himself and shook my hand. It still hurts. I loved all of your descriptions. They are perfect.
Chuckles says
November 8, 2007 at 10:35 am11. The Overcompensating Shake: This shake involves the elbow, both shoulders and entire torso. This shake communicates a desperate needs for the shaker to inflict a resonating memory in the shakee in the hopes that the shakee can help the shaker move up the Capital Hill/Corporate ladder. Most often used by lower ranking peons with little imagination.
Peggy says
November 8, 2007 at 11:39 amReminds me of the movie Scream with the guy that uses his “Strong Hand”..LOL
Oswegan says
November 8, 2007 at 7:25 pmI don’t want a job anymore.
~Oswegan
NeoCleo says
November 14, 2007 at 6:59 pmI’m with Peggy. But not because of handshaking–I just don’t want to work anymore. Too bad I’m too young to retire.
Palli says
November 22, 2007 at 4:19 pm“…The Old-clay Ammy-clay Shake. First: learn Pig Latin…..”
I think that should be: “The Old-cay Lammy-cay Shake (or ake-shay, where the two letters s & h have to stay together to keep the correct pronunciation)”
But then again, maybe there are different Pig Latin dialects…? I learned it in Schenectady.
Whew.. I’m sorry. I love your blog, Bossy! Today is the first time I read it, finally, after seeing your entries over at Waiter Rant.