Bossy has this little morning routine she likes to call Jogging. She likes to call it jogging, even though it’s only jogging in the figurative sense. In the technical sense it’s Sputtering. While limping and cursing under-breath.
Luckily Bossy knows this is not uncommon for beginners. And by beginner, Bossy means she’s been jogging for twenty-seven years—which according to calculations is approximately three years shy of the release of endorphins.
And speaking of releasing, on the days Bossy
slogs jogs, she likes to come home and pound Metamucil, because. Best life!
Metamucil is a fiber supplement that lowers cholesterol and keeps you regular. And by regular Bossy is referring to a bathroom experience that produces perfectly shaped excrement which when examined spells Poo.
Here’s the deal:
First Bossy turns on the water.
Meanwhile Bossy readies her Metamucil:
Bossy throws a heaping tablespoon of Metamucil into the bottom of her glass and then adds water all the way up to the
chip brim of her glass, mixing vigorously with a spoon:
The next step is
Once in your digestive system, the mucilage contained within each psyllium husk swells due to its exposure to water, which forms a lubricated mucilaginous mass that causes contractions of the intestinal walls, thus stimulating a bowel movement which helps to flush cholesterol from your body:
As luck would have it, Metamucil also coats your drinking glass and reduces its risk of Heart Disease:
Heidi saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:07 am
Only Bossy can make Metamucil and bowel movements funny.
Well, and my four-year old. She’s got some great poo jokes. But not as good as Bossy’s!
Hotdog saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:11 am
Wow. I must jump on the Metamucil bandwagon and become regular like bossy…
Robin J saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:22 am
Bossy needs to get on the Benefiber bandwagon. No flavor, no coated glasses. Bossy’s glasses look healthy enough already.
Jennifer saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:24 am
I have a blotchy red jogging face too!
islaygirl saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:25 am
i hate dr. oz. does he ~really~ need to wear scrubs where ever he goes? just in case he’s called upon to do an emergency tracheotomy?
Grandma J saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:29 am
I want to thank Bossy for explaining the secret to her awesome athletic jogging regiment. I never would have guessed it could be as simple as lubricating your intestinal wall…and it lowers colesterol too. Would a swig of wesson oil do the same thing?
Mr farty saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:34 am
Does Bossy wash that goop down with gin?
dlyn saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:35 am
I am always grateful to have a logical, scientific explanation when it comes to health related issues. I am once again a thankful reader of bossy.
Sarah is Ok saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:38 am
Slog–I love it! I slog too, only I didn’t have the right word for it. I don’t really slog, I wait several months for the ice to melt and then I slog, so it’s even worse. Happy pooping! I think that might be totally ok to say even for people who didn’t post about regularity. Anyone who’s been stopped up can appreciate the sentiment. So happy pooping to all, and to all a good night!
Thistles saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:38 am
Well, this solves the “where will bossy poop on her grand tour” quandry.
Jenny, Bloggess saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:53 am
WTF? So the rubber bands are to keep your socks up? To keep snakes from shimmying up your pants? I cannot think of a valid reason you would do that.
Jenny, Bloggess saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 11:54 am
Oh, I figured it out! It’s to keep the poop from getting in your shoes in case the metamucil acts too quickly.
I am never coming here again.
Chesapeake Bay Woman saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:01 pm
To improve your running time and quicken your pace, drink the Metamucil before you jog. There will still be cursing and a red face involved, but I guarantee you’ll be running a clip on that return trip home.
joeinvegas saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Wow, edumacation along with photos, and I am impressed with Dr. Oz – he wears purple gloves along with the scrubs just in case?
Thanks for another lesson in life Bossy.
The Domestic Goddess saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Silly me! All this time I’m blogging about other people’s poo, I should be talking about my own!
Foolery saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:09 pm
“approximately three years shy of the release of endorphins”
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
FREE ENDORPHINS NOW!
(still laughing, starting to sweat, get jogging face — ah, thanks)
Miss Wisabus saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Benefiber tablets all the way.
teri saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:17 pm
It reminds me of Tang.
Assertagirl saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:21 pm
A good poop is one of the greatest joys in life.
Crabby McSlacker saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I have very few talents in life, but one thing I excel at is taking care of morning business.
No need to buy drugstore products to lead “my best life”.
Too bad you can’t get paid to poop.
(Or hell, maybe you can–but if so I don’t want to hear about it).
Sharri saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Hey Bossy! Did you steal my glasses?
BOSSY saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Bloggess: Bossy needs to secure rubber bands around the ankle area of her sweat pants because they are so wide-legged and baggy that Bossy will trip. Whereas these days she’s still tripping, but she can’t blame her jogging attire.
Jenn @ Juggling Life saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:34 pm
My best life involves an elliptical, and flaxseed in cranberry juice, but otherwise bears a striking resemblance to Bossy’s best life. Especially the blotchy face and the regularity!
Momo Fali saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I don’t get a blotchy red face, I get an asthmatic-bright-red-all-over-somebody-better-call-911-before-this-girl-falls-into-the-street-face. THAT’S my morning routine.
Suzanne saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Ugg, I’m going to try my very 5k in couple of weeks… I’m still trying to figure out how some people can exercise while looking vibrant, while I have the mother of all splotchy faces. Grr. I don’t get it.
ps- your dishes are cute.
Oh, The Joys saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Now, Bossy… this is a post that is after my own heart. I mean, metamucil? Is like my crack… and posts about poo? How I love, thee.
Why didn’t you reveal that we were Sisters of the Mixed Drink back in the day?
biddy saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 1:26 pm
hahaha love it…
too bad metamucil doesn’t work for biddy.
laura saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Thanks for the Metamucil tutorial…I have a feeling my OB may be recommending it to me (pregnant=5 days no poo), so now I know how to use it!
Swistle saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Strangely, this makes me feel like buying Metamucil.
Sheryl saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Glad to see I’m not the only one slogging in the morning.
Nilsa S. saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Chicago’s lakeshore is a great place to run, job, sputter, whatever! Hope it still makes your roadtriptik! And one of my dear friends would adore you for drinking meta. She used to work on their account and would bring it to me all the time.
Redneck Mommy saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I went on metamucil once.
Shat like a fox. Apparently there was more than enough fibre in my diet before I chugged the goo.
Have avoided it like the plague since then.
That might have been a wee overshare, but I feel we’re bonding here.
meleah rebeccah saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I cant get over the rubberbands….HAHAHHAHAH
crunchy carpets saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I have the same glasses as you
Ree saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 1:48 pm
I love Bossy’s red dishes. And, speaking of Great Dane size of Metamucil; I had to give my Dane Metamucil in her food for a week AND this stuff called “Dogalax” or something.
Bossy knows what Great Dane poop looks like? Imagine Great Dane poop on Metamucil with a side of Ex-Lax. (She got into a bone and it stopped her up like a cork.)
Jenny, Bloggess saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Oh that’s much less disgusting and more logical. Okay, you’re back on my list.
Prof J saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Bossy. Keepin’ it real.
Lisa saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Yeah, I have been sputtering for 28 years and everytime I go, I wonder why it isn’t getting any easier and why I am not getting any faster at it. All that practice and I think I am slower that when I started out.
I say a big Y U C K to Metamucil. Though I ask myself when I sit on the toilet after 53 years and wonder why after all these years things aren’t all loosened up and working better. I take Triphala which is an indian herb and in capsules and therefore it makes my glasses easier to wash. You are one brave woman to drink that stuff.
So the metamucil, rubber band and red splotches do spell SEXY. Why don’t men have beauty regimes like this?
Must be Motherhood saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I know what the rubber bands are for, but you’re just too shy to admit it: the BIKING portion of your daily-biathlon-workout. To keep the pants away from the bicycle chains APRES jog. Am I right?
Ugggg. I need to buy Metamucil to help with preggo constipation. Thanks for the reminder.
C'tina saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 2:46 pm
…Benefiber, yes…tasteless (we don’t know from tasteless, lol), dissolves completely….throw it in the blender with your soy/blueberry/skim milk/banana smoothie….or just eat a big handful of dried black mission figs everyday with your small handful of almonds….great ‘best life’ effect….you know the ‘s’ shaped effect….
Leaf, probably... saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Both sets of my grandparents drink Metamucil, which is enough reason for me not to. 😛
Momma Bum saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Okay, maybe I should try slogging and Metamucil. Maybe then I get get off this expensive cholesterol medicine.
You know what’s worse then Metamucil?????
Well I don’t remember the name but it was so some nasty bland sh*t they made me drink when I was stopped up while pregnant with #1. I know Metamucil is bad but this was worse.
All Adither saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I just ate an Old Fashioned. Does that count?
merlotmom saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Sounds gross! Steel cut oatmeal does the same thing and goes down much easier (when you add lots of brown sugar and cinnamon)!
Steph saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Forget the icky Metamucil. It’s all about the whole wheat tortillas with 21 grams of fiber. Each. Really. http://www.stephaniecason.com/mission/
Manic Mommy saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I love it when Bossy overshares.
Chesapeke Bay Woman: HAHAHA!
Flea saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 6:59 pm
My drinking glasses all suffer from high cholesterol. Thank you for saving them all from early deaths.
Meegan saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Good heavens I was scared to click on that “…when examined spells POO…” link. Ha! You got me good, Bossy.
Mrs. Chicken saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 8:51 pm
This is my morning, minus the exercise.
Is it me, or does Metamucil taste like Tang?
amanda saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Oh noo, this post just makes me think of the dread that looms ahead…call me crazy but I fear the first post-delivery bowel movement more than delivery itself.
Chicky saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Jogging? I’m sorry but that word is not in my vocabulary. These days neither is “regularity”.
MommyTime saysFebruary 21, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Yes, I just wanted to add, that if you drink some of it, but pour the really thick fibrous stuff down the sink and take pictures…your pictures will look cool, but your health benefits will be, shall we say, diminished. On the plus side, the jogging is supposed to help make you more regular…
jen saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 12:55 am
fibrous jogging? outstanding.
Tootsie Farklepants saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 1:07 am
I originally read this post this morning and it took just over 12 hours for Bossy’s Metamucil to catch up with me. So, um, yeah…now ya know this much about me.
kim at allconsuming saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 3:15 am
For the smallest of moments, when you said ‘here’s the deal’, I thought you were going to tell us all about the bathroom experience that produces perfectly shaped excrement. And I was so ready to read all about it.
lintys saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 8:07 am
Bossie has my favorite kind of glasses.
hulagirlatheart saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 8:12 am
Bossy needs some flax seed instead. Two heaping spoonfuls on something tasty every day. Ice cream works.
Say What? saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 8:49 am
Once again Bossy provides much needed information to the digesting/pooping public! Thank you!
I am thinking Bossy’s pipes must be the cleanest things around – never getting clogged or backed up from the daily dose of Metamucil that makes its way down the drain.
Gotta love that Bossy takes care of all the plumbing in her house with one shot. Way to utilize your funds!
Absurdist saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 9:52 am
I want to know what the rubber bands are for too. I didn’t see an answer above.
I used to run cross country, and never heard about the rubber bands or metamucil. Maybe that’s because I was 16. Who knows?
Michael saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 11:17 am
God I hate fiber! I had to live on the stuff for a few years… TMI. But it’s gross. I don’t do it anymore. Nor do I run/jog/walk/crawl. I mostly sit, but I sit with a fire in my heart. I sit with the eye of the tiger. I’m like the Rocky of sitting. I never give up on it, on sitting. Some day I will be the champion of sitting, and then I will die of a massive heart attack.
dgm saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I had a friend who used to go jogging then come home and smoke a cigarette on the front porch and I thought that odd. I like to go for a long run and follow it up with bacon & eggs, and that seems perfectly natural to me. I’ve never known anyone who runs and then slams down a heaping glass of Metamucil, but I guess that’s just the way Bossy rolls.
Dr. Monkey saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 12:57 pm
ould the life of Bossy be any more glamorous? Nope.
moosh in indy. saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 3:14 pm
It’s all about the Fibersure.
No coating, no orange flavoring, just as much poo.
Elsewhere saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Went out to buy myself some Metamucil. Not that I need it. I just wanted to be more like Bossy…;)
claireb saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Does one have to jog faster than an 11 or 12 minute mile to feel the endorphins? Cuz I’m still waiting for that rush, too. And it’s been YEARS.
Cheri saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 4:53 pm
You said poo. Hee hee.
Cece saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 5:52 pm
TMI, I know, sorry, but I drink fiber daily. And because of the thickness left on the glass I have decided to use a plastic 16-20oz water bottle instead. I keep it w/cold water in the fridge, add my fiber, shake, drink, add more water if necessary & I’m a happy pooper!
mary saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 6:48 pm
read the metamucil ad for the berry flavor:
“berry beautiful bowels”
But I guess the orange flavored one just keeps your intestines ugly….
dawnydee saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 6:51 pm
fiber choice tablets – i use the mixed berry sugar free ones and if i close my eyes and click my heels three times they almost taste vaguely of razzles (not a gum yet not a candy)my favorite childhood candy of yore.
but i have a rather unsophisticated palate and am easily fooled so i’m not sure what bossy would think of the taste being she’s so high brow and all.
but fiberchoice tablets also claim – right there on the label – to be a weight management tool. i take it to mean i can skip the slogging entirely thereby greatly simplifying my life.
does bossy listen to music when she slogs? i’d love to know her playlist.
karrie saysFebruary 22, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Bossy should open a can of lentil soup instead.Or buy some flax pasta.
I gagged just thinking about my glasses coated with that stuff, let alone what it would feel like to drink.
Erin saysFebruary 23, 2008 at 12:24 am
Dare I ask what the rubber bands are for???
Denise saysFebruary 23, 2008 at 10:54 am
HA! I’ve been eating oatmeal with OJ after running in the morning. RealAge says it is “super food”. I so, of course, wanting something Super to help me out, I eat it everyday. My mom does the Metamucil. But mixes it with OJ. Makes it taste better!!!
Dr Zibbs saysFebruary 23, 2008 at 11:52 am
I still think Advanced Strength Super Colon Blow is the way to go
Dorothy Stahlnecker saysFebruary 24, 2008 at 5:09 am
Alright..now I feel empowered. Or something..anyways thanks for the info
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
Mojo saysFebruary 24, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I like to call my jogging “running like the wind…the big fat wind…”
Big Momma Pimpalishisness saysFebruary 25, 2008 at 8:54 am
Perfectly shaped poo is highly overrated.
sumo saysFebruary 25, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Uh, when I use Metamucil, it does make fluffy poops that fairly “swoosh” into the water, but they have never been “S” shaped. That would freak my shit out.
Kristen saysFebruary 26, 2008 at 7:26 am
I’m new to bossy’s blog, and I’m so excited to have found it because *someone* needs to bring sexy back! Finally!
Also, bossy must try Fiber One cereal. Bossy will wrap the bowl. (Not that I would know anything about that.)
I’m adding bossy to my blogroll. Funny s**t. No pun intended.
Smashed saysMarch 5, 2008 at 8:17 pm
One must have at least three (3) tablespoons of metamucil with the glass of water or one simply is not TRYING. (Also – the well-formedness of the excreta is decidedly not guaranteed in this case – though one might be ready for one of those colonoscopy things).
smashed saysMarch 5, 2008 at 8:19 pm
… and who takes their metamucil in the morning? Would that not be really dangerous?