This is Bossy’s cockpit. This is where the magic happens, and when Bossy says magic she is referring to the numerous schizophrenic phone calls made to her husband dictating her last will and testament as she drives across large expanses of dark abandoned highway.
Bossy spends an average of seven hours a day in this cockpit, typically beginning in the very early hours of the morning. In fact it’s so early when Bossy climbs in the car, those hours should legally belong to the night prior.
This cockpit is located in the Saturn Vue, which Bossy will exchange on Monday afternoon. She has become very attached to her Saturn Vue, but she’s not ready to tell you all the reasons why. She’s not ready to tell you all the reasons why because she still needs to download her Saturn photos. But she can say this about the Saturn Vue in the words of her Grandma Charlotte —and when you read it aloud please do so in the voice of someone who lives on the 6th floor of a Jewish retirement high rise—“What’s not to love?”
In other news: if there’s anything annoying about this Excellent Road Trip, it’s not being able to post about this Excellent Road Trip. Almost as annoying as the fact that there is a McDonalds located at every off-ramp. Because there should be two McDonalds at every off-ramp.
Bossy has so many things she wants to tell you—for instance about her day in New Orleans. About the numerous remnants of Hurricane Katrina, like the missing chunks of the bridge’s guardrail:
And she wants to tell you about this:
And about the textures in the French Quarter:
And Bossy would love to tell you all about how she and her host and her stalker stood right there in the aisle of the French Quarter drugstore and they talked and talked until they solved the motherhood/stress crisis. Done. Hint: it involves yelling a big bunch.
But instead of telling you about all of that, Bossy will instead tell you the tale about how she was preparing for bed at 11:30 pm when she realized she left her saline solution in Tallahassee—but first Bossy had to make certain this was true, a task she accomplished by packing and unpacking her suitcase forty-five times while making repeated trips out to the sleepy driveway in her striped pajamas.
At one point Bossy climbed in her car in order to purchase a new bottle of saline at an all-night supermarket. She even drove a few blocks in a rodent’s maze before realizing if she continued she would never again find her host’s house or her stuff which was currently strewn around every surface of the homey guest room.
So Bossy went back to the house intent on packing and leaving, because in her delirious state anything was more reasonable than dealing with a pair of dry contact lenses, even if that something was driving all night toward Dallas.
And as Bossy was packing up her things, zipping and unzipping a million compartments in her luggage, she found her saline solution.
Ah, life on the road. Did Jack Kerouac wear contacts?
So then Bossy slept for thirteen minutes and hit the road toward Dallas. Do you know what happens when you go to bed too late because you’re the dumb ass who forgot that you nestled your saline solution next to your phone charger and your alarm goes off at four in the morning? Bossy will tell you what happens: you lose your forehead frown lines. Bossy isn’t even kidding, they fell off like fingerprints:
And speaking of Excellent Road Trips, this is everything you need to know about the area between Baton Rouge and Shreveport Louisiana:
Momo Fali saysMarch 31, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Good night woman! By the time you get to Ohio, we’re going to have to just prop you up in a chair and stare at you all night. Is there not a single, solitary day for some down-time? You need your frown lines back.
The Domestic Goddess saysMarch 31, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Don’t tell Saturn you only sleep for four hours a night. Oops. Guess I just did.
Sounds like a good trip so far!
Foolery saysMarch 31, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I found your forehead frown lines. Shall I snail mail them back to you, or will you stop in for a sandwich and some frown lines on your way up I-5 to Portland?
stepher saysMarch 31, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I empathize w/you lack o’ saline solution. As a fellow contact-wearer I’ve felt that pain…
The photo of that house w/the red spray paint breaks my heart…
It’s so funny but I’ve stood where you’re standing in that New Orleans photo. =) What a city…
Stay careful Bossy!
S t e p h e r
Nance saysMarch 31, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Thank you for reminding me why the entire Bush administration will spend eternity in a Katrina-flood in hell. Only the water will be boiling.
Christine saysMarch 31, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Dang, I don’t wear contacts so I guess I’m stuck with my forehead frown lines.
Elizabeth saysMarch 31, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I hate to tell Bossy but that tree lined highway is also exactly what the drive looks like between Shreveport and about 2 hours before Dallas. The good news is that its GREEN, ever been to west Texas…BROWN all year ’round! Enjoy it and watch out for those state troopers, they dont appreciate the giggling at their uniforms when they write a citation. true story.
Howard saysMarch 31, 2008 at 5:02 pm
If there is anything you need waiting for you in Denver, let me know and I’ll grab ’em for ya. Glad the trip is going well so far.
Cactus Petunia saysMarch 31, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Bossy, those eye bags look big enough to park a Saturn in. Get some sleep!
MammaLoves saysMarch 31, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Oh those pine trees. I know those pine trees. And back in the day…no good radio stations either.
Erika saysMarch 31, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Aw, I had no idea. We never even heard you. Thanks for the sweet note. Get some sleep in Dallas.
Good night and good luck.
Wendy saysMarch 31, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Rats! I just had my annual trip back home to Dallas. Sorry to miss you there. Have some BBQ for me.
And please, no more Louisiana photos. The moisture is beading up on my monitor!
Mr Farty saysMarch 31, 2008 at 5:46 pm
NO has its own Disney castle? Who knew?
Drive safe, dear BOSSY!
sparx saysMarch 31, 2008 at 6:18 pm
…and when is it that you get to London again? …er… anyway… Great tip on the frown lines, order me up one of those Saturns and some open road please santa.
Andi Sexton (rrlscrapgal) saysMarch 31, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Hey, where did the castle come from?? I don’t remember it there in 1982, but then again, that trip was an alcohol infused back-packin’ & Youth Hostel trip of my younger years..
I do remember all the shells along the roads.. fresh water oysters or something like that…
You’re coming to Oregon? Are you venturing out the the Wild Eastern Oregon side? We have more cows than people.. Let me know if you will be driving thru… I84 goes from Portland to Boise… we are somewhere along the way…
Scottsdale Girl saysMarch 31, 2008 at 6:40 pm
On 4 hours of sleep I would be frowning like a mutha…and there WOULD BE LINES.
SQUEEEEEEEEE! You are getting oh so much closer to SCOTTSDALE!!!!!!
martha saysMarch 31, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Looooooooove this post.
amy saysMarch 31, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Amy thinks Bossy needs to schedule herself a lasik appt when she finishes her road trip. After 17 years of contact lenses I have been contact lens free for 7 years! Best money I ever spent.
Chesapeake Bay Woman saysMarch 31, 2008 at 7:55 pm
This might well be the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time, and it sure as heck is the ONLY thing to have made me laugh out loud in the past two weeks.
Speaking from experience, and having done this with NO car to navigate said rodent maze to any sort of convenience (or inconvenience) store, here’s the solution to the contact lens SHITUATION: sneak into your host’s kitchen, get two coffee mugs, put tap water in them and submerge your lenses. Yeah way. They will be a TAD crisp in the morning and will hurt like hell, but after a few blinks (and screams) they’re as good as new.
This public service announcement brought to you by one forgetful, brain-dead, frazzled mother who has pulled the zippers off of bags due to incessant checking and re-checking.
kristi saysMarch 31, 2008 at 7:58 pm
As someone who lived 30 years of her life in Louisiana…I hope you had a great time in a great state. And, your last photo made me laugh so hard I peed a little…because it’s so true. Try not to fall asleep driving to Dallas. Boy, that drive is BORING!!! I do NOT envy you.
Ree saysMarch 31, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Bossy. I love you. I will carry your eyebags for you.
Adorable Girlfriend saysMarch 31, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Thanks for the Katrina pictures. It’s so helpful to see where we our with regards to doing right by the good people of N.O.
MommyTime saysMarch 31, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Thankfully by the time you get to Michigan, you will be moving across shorter distances on a daily basis. Nonetheless, there really must be some days that you sleep two nights in the same place, if for no other reason than that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Seriously. The CIA uses it. For good reason.
If you want to sleep at my house for two nights, I promise not to let anyone wake you up in the morning on day one.
Reese saysMarch 31, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Hey, I remember those trees on my trip from WA state to FL…
Surcie saysMarch 31, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Now I really am enjoying myself at Bossy’s expense!
PS: Bossy, I just noticed that you’re currently advertising “asian girls for love and marriage.” The only problem I have with this is that they weigh, on average, 112 FREAKING POUNDS. Oh, the injustice!
A Whole Lot of Nothing / Angie saysMarch 31, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Nice pics of NOLA!
*sigh* I guess no post of Orlando… *sigh*
Little Miss Sunshine State saysMarch 31, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Did Bossy forget to blog about Orlando or is she trying to forget about what a crazy bunch we are?
chickadee saysMarch 31, 2008 at 11:54 pm
this road trip is wearing ME out. i know the agony of dry contacts. as you pass through south arkansas on your stop to little rock wave to me. i’ll be the hillbilly out in my yard with a bunch of dogs and kids.
Karisma saysMarch 31, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Awww Diddums! Maybe you will sleep some tonight? Just make sure you are not in the car driving at the time.
Grandma J saysApril 1, 2008 at 12:03 am
Bossy needs one of those fancy handlers to keep things on track.
Like drive 7 hours, party 8 and sleep 8. You can use the extra hour anyway you want…like looking for stuff you lose.
This trip is really historical.
Susan saysApril 1, 2008 at 12:10 am
OH, I LOVE N.O.! Was there two years ago this month, just 7 mos after Katrina hit. Never expected to, but absolutely fell in LOVE with that city. Could easily live there!
Commenters: That’s St. Louis CATHEDRAL, not a castle! 😉 And, yes, it’s been there just a few years. lol
CC saysApril 1, 2008 at 12:11 am
Oh boy. No saline. My 2nd worst nightmare. My first would be no contacts! Is that a door or a…OUCH! Nevermind.
MamaMo saysApril 1, 2008 at 1:49 am
I don’t know how Bossy manages to stay so funny on such little sleep – for that matter, I don’t know how she manages to do ANYTHING, especially drive ad nauseam across the country.
Laura saysApril 1, 2008 at 7:02 am
“What’s not to love?”-I lost it here Bossy! You are seriously too funny! Safe travels!
Kim saysApril 1, 2008 at 8:11 am
Sweet! Thanks for the tip on getting rid of my forehead wrinkles. I’ll try that this week.
Kelly saysApril 1, 2008 at 8:27 am
Those pictures are truly sobering. That so many remnants remain are a testament both to Katrina’s power and the full suckitude of our current Administration.
Karen saysApril 1, 2008 at 8:30 am
Bossy, yahoo said this morning that a woman was arrested near John Cusack’s house!! Where are you? Where does he live? Do you need me to spring you?
dara saysApril 1, 2008 at 8:40 am
those eye bags are spectacular, as are you, bossy.
andrea saysApril 1, 2008 at 9:08 am
After taking the bar exam and before starting work, I seriously considered driving down to New Orleans to help with all the animals left behind. It still leaves me joked up to think of all the animals left behind and the people who lost their homes or lives.
Paige Jennifer saysApril 1, 2008 at 9:25 am
I have no idea how anyone can drive 7 hours daily but in light of how entertaining your witty summaries of said adventures are, um, keep on trucking!
Tiffany saysApril 1, 2008 at 9:48 am
I am afraid the rest of Bossy’s road trip may be in jeopardy. I just read that a woman has been arrested for stakling John Cusack. Bad Bossy!
Tiffany saysApril 1, 2008 at 9:50 am
That was STALKING. Way to step on your own joke, T!
Kimberly C saysApril 1, 2008 at 10:03 am
Are you on I-10? If you are, and you hit the bridge of doom (something like 22 miles of bridge) DON’T STOP AT THE LAST GAS STATION BEFORE THE BRIDGE. Is gross, would be cleaner to pee in your pants. That is all. New Orleans= fun? Right?
Clare saysApril 1, 2008 at 10:03 am
Yea…but your hair looks awesome.
People in the Sun saysApril 1, 2008 at 10:04 am
That last picture looks familiar…
Oh, yes. It’s everything you need to know about the area between Baltimore and New York.
Noelle saysApril 1, 2008 at 11:14 am
It’s one of the reasons I stopped wearing contacts and learned to love the glasses: so I could live like Jack Kerouac. Also, I totally did the same thing with my makeup remover over the weekend. I packed and unpacked only to realize I left it on my friend’s sink.
Robin saysApril 1, 2008 at 11:38 am
This morning on the radio I heard that John Cusack’s stalker was arrested. I was concerned. Was Bossy’s road trip already in Cali? I am relieved to hear that Bossy is on her way to Dallas.
meleah rebeccah saysApril 1, 2008 at 12:00 pm
So THATS how I get rid of my forehead lines.
13 minuets of sleep and an alarm clock set for 4am.
No more botox for me.
Audubon Ron saysApril 1, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Sorry I missed you in New Orleans. You can always still buzz Mississippi.
davido saysApril 1, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Maybe you should have your next road trip sponsored by Lasik?
ms ellie saysApril 1, 2008 at 2:38 pm
It looks like Bossy found her way to Cafe du Monde! After that coffee, one could get up at 11:30 and drive to Dallas!
Mr Farty saysApril 1, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Looks like BOSSY will get that well-earned rest in the Sheriff’s office. Should we start a bail fund?
Biddy saysApril 1, 2008 at 5:48 pm
aaaaaahahahahah you are so right about the forehead! who needs botox when you can just lose your saline!?
i’m glad you found your saline.
i’m even more glad i got to spend like 15 hours with you (even if i was asleep for 7 of them)
David saysApril 2, 2008 at 2:09 pm
You never heard of a dop kit? Get a dop kit! Put all your toiletries in the dop kit and don’t go through this garbage ever again!
Life On The Planet saysApril 3, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Did you stop to eat in Prejean’s off I-49 in Lafayette, LA?