A few days ago, Bossy was busy preparing this hunk of creamed cellulite, when a reader noticed Bossy still owns vinyl record albums and a record player:
What you see doesn’t represent the total number of albums Bossy has owned in her life, just like every album you see doesn’t necessarily represent her favorites—because albums are like socks: the cool ones disappear. But this rather unrepresentative collection of albums live in a hutch in Bossy’s living room:
And Bossy loves this unrepresentative collection of albums and she enjoys playing them—especially if Bossy’s family agrees not to walk within one hundred yards of the hutch and jiggle the floorboards that hold the turntable steady, and likewise if Bossy’s family agrees not to dance. Or breathe.
Bossy loves albums because they are big and square and you can hold them in your hands and they feature band photos larger than a triscuit. And if you’re lucky, the album contains a liner with more band photos and song lyrics and dedications to imagined groupies.
Bossy’s childhood was shaped by certain records and the album covers she held in her hands, flipping from front to back to front again.
Because albums didn’t just contain songs, they were glimpses:
The first albums and album covers Bossy remembers from her childhood were these:
The Beatles. Bossy’s family wore the grooves out of each of these albums, and the variation from cover to cover allowed Bossy to regularly change her mind regarding her favorite Beatle.
When you share musical taste with the rest of the household it’s not necessary to buy your own stuff. But the first album Bossy purchased with her very own money was this:
Bossy loved David Bowie and his lean frame and his crazy eye and yes, perhaps Bossy was also trying to impress her brother with her refined selection. Never mind that songs like Golden Years split time with selections from this:
Most of the time Bossy’s entire family would get caught up in an album, like this:
Or like this:
But occasionally Bossy would branch out and discover something all her own:
Those lips! That steering wheel! Those nails! This album cover could keep Bossy occupied for hours, and when she’d had enough, she could grab the liner notes:
And then there was this:
Bossy doesn’t know what a Zenyatta Mondatta is, but can’t you hear the angels sing just a little? Bossy loved everything about this album and the trio that produced it, especially her favorite: the drummer Stewart Copeland. And this is the album sleeve that helped Bossy decide which Police she was going to marry:
But of course album covers were always stacked with potential boyfriends. Assuming they were still alive. Bossy would sometimes stare at those boyfriends who had died of a drug overdose and she’d wonder what went so wrong for someone who looked that good in a scarf:
In the case of the Pretenders, Bossy’s crush on Chrissie Hynde outweighed the boys in Chrissie’s band. Especially after Bossy overheard her brother say that Chrissie Hynde had one of the best right hands in the music industry:
Besides Chrissie, Bossy had quirky taste in women performers:
It wasn’t the songs on this record that intrigued Bossy, but the many photos of Bette’s crazy-arse stage show contained within the fold of this double album:
Speaking of crazy-arse stage shows and things on album covers that intrigued Bossy, this is the album cover that Bossy used to study when she first met her husband:
And finally, one other tidbit about Bossy and her love of album covers: when she was fifteen, Bossy was featured on this album cover for her brother’s band: