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Things That Make You Want To Drink Gin Straight From The Cat Bowl. In Three Exhibits.

Exhibit A.

support-hose

Bossy is once again bringing sexy back with her support hose. In fact, Bossy is bringing sexy so far back that the chair just collapsed under Sexy and Sexy has fallen into a heap on the porch floor.

Bossy is wearing her support hose again because two days ago Bossy’s right foot suddenly swelled to the size of a grapefruit. Or maybe it was more like a bocce ball. Or perhaps a balloon that is twisted into the shape of a hippopotamus.

The point is her foot was swollen. At first Bossy thought it was a spider bite, but then she thought Blood Clot! Because: hi, have you met Bossy?

Wearing the support hose seems to help—just like propping the foot on a pillow seems to help. Other things that help: lying prostrate watching Kimora Life In The Fab Lane.

In fact the only thing that doesn’t seem to help Bossy’s condition is standing for long periods of time. Or walking. Or shopping for teacher gifts or driving late daughters to school or trying to locate new tomato plants, which leads us to our next Things That Make You Want To Drink Gin Straight From The Cat Bowl exhibit.

Exhibit B.

bad-tomato-plant

This is Bossy’s tomato plant that she bought last month from a local farmer, and it is exactly like the other eight tomato plants in Bossy’s garden, and here is what the plants have in common: they are all diseased:

bad-tomato-plant2

Bossy isn’t sure what happened. One day they were thriving and advanced in size and were covered in buds and Bossy’s Friend Martha was all, “Oh I wish my tomato plants were this impressive.”

And the next thing Bossy knew her plant stalks grew spindly and the leaves turned inside out and the tomatoes got all like this:

bad-tomatoes

So now Bossy has to go looking for new tomato plants and put them in the ground a month behind schedule, which really interferes with Bossy’s mid-July plan to be eating gazpacho from ingredients grown entirely in her own garden including the olive oil pressed from Bossy’s own olive tree and—sorry, was someone typing something? Bossy must have nodded off for a minute because she was just dreaming she lived in Tuscany.

Back to the smelly cat bowl gin story: it’s time for Exhibit C.

spotted-leopard

This leopard represents the spotty Internet service Bossy has been experiencing for the last two weeks. Bossy isn’t sure whether it’s her service provider or weather interference or root rot.

Anyway, spotty Internet service isn’t such a big deal. Lucky thing Bossy doesn’t blog for a living. Oh, wait.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Dear Bossy,
    Drink Gin. Lots of it. Hope you feel better soon.

    I find it highly suspicious that the tomatoes bear a striking resemblance to the leopard. It’s a conspiracy for sure!

    Reply

  2. Take 2 (my computer issues or Bossy’s? One wonders….)

    Is it just me or do the tomatoes look LIKE the leopard? Conspiracy or not? Hmmm

    Reply

  3. That leopard looks very comfy, that is how I would like to spend today. In fact, if you mirrored the post but put your head where its bottom lies, you’d be elevating your foot!

    I just planted some tomato plants with my daughter this weekend. I’m hoping they are freakishly overzealous and will produce fruit in a couple of weeks, because I really love tomatoes but salmonella? Not so much.

    Reply

  4. spotty tomatoes make vuboq sad. do you think it’s something in the soil? like nematodes? nematodes are cool … except if they make tomatoes spotty.

    Reply

  5. You definitely brought back the sexy with the support hose, lost it again with the diseased tomato, but then sort of regained it with the tree cat. Your blog is an emotional roller coaster, let there be no doubt.

    Reply

  6. Wow. Cuz, you know, I woke up last night and realized that I have an undetected bladder infection that is seeping into my kidneys and we won’t know about it until I go to the ER and then it will be TOO LATE. I figured this out, in a flash, at 2 a.m.

    This morning I realize it was gas. Maybe. I mean, it still could be UTI issues, I’m not ruling it out…but I’m pretty sure by this afternoon I will be facing death again.

    Does bossy have another cat bowl to share?

    Reply

  14. I love that leopard, despite his proximity to diseased tomatoes. After all, I don’t diss the sex-ay support hose because they are near to the to-mah-toes, do I?

    Lets call the whole thing off, shall we?

    Reply

  18. We decided not to plant any vegetables at all this year because all our neighbors did. We’ve already started reaping their excess: 2 dozen ginormous tomatoes from the guy across the street. As soon as his cukes and peppers produce enough overflow for us, it’s gonna be FREE GAZPACHO TIME! I’m thinking that our initial batch might be smallish, though – maybe only a couple of gallons.

    Reply

  21. perhaps bossy’s foot is longing for another road trip?

    and i’m pretty sure i saw bossy’s friend martha switching out the tomato plants in the middle of the night…

    Reply

  24. I suspect there is something bizarre going on in Bossy’s garden. Your soil might be toxic because your tomatoes have a disease, and your flowers are getting all the color sucked out of them.

    Reply

  26. Exhibit A: And Bossy hasn’t contacted her doctor because….?

    Exhibit B: ew
    The Jew in me is sure your neighbor invoked the evil eye by her idle compliment. peh peh peh.

    Exhibit C: Bossy’s Dane isn’t just great, she also…wait, that’s not Stella! Run!

    Reply

  29. Meh. I started tomatoes from seed MONTHS ago, and are they in the ground yet? That would be a resounding NO! They’re sitting on a table outside in the heat, wilting, and hating me. I expect tomatoes sometime in late October.

    Reply

  32. Just found out this morning that a deer helped herself to: my first batch of ripening tomatoes, ALL of my spinach, the flowers off my romaine that was about to go to seed, half my broccoli crop (one plant), my daughter’s “school” cabbage, and some leaves/stem off my cherry tomato. So disappointing when you loving tend to your garden, only to loose stuff suddenly to something random.

    Reply

  34. Maybe Bossy’s friend Martha had something to do with the demise of Bossy’s tomato plants so that Martha no longer had to be jealous of them.

    Reply

  35. Hi, have you met Susan?

    Two weeks ago, Susan had some spider veins surgically removed from her legs. When the blood clots didn’t materialize and kill her as she’d expected, she evaluated the scars to see if maybe Staph infection had set in.

    Susan’s loads of fun. Bossy & Susan should get together sometime and be hypochondriacs together.

    P.S. Hope the swelling goes down fast!

    Reply

  36. Tomato blight!! Ack!!

    Don’t plant the new ones in the same soil or it’ll happen again. Either pot them with all-new soil (garden center special is fine) or cover over you planting bed with six inches of new soil so the new plants won’t touch the old soil. I have no idea what causes this, but I’ve seen it before, and it can take a season or two of resting before the soil won’t blight the tomatoes again. Cheerful, no?

    My feet swell when it’s hot, or when I’m on them too much, or when I’m not on them enough, or when the wind id westerly. OK, I made that last one up. Ain’t water retention grand??

    I wanna pet the kitty!!

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

    Reply

  38. The only time DG had swollen feet and support hose was when she was preggers…WAIT A MINUTE!

    I bet Martha sabotaged the tomaters so that they would never get redder than Martha’s hair. She was jealous.

    Also? Plant new tomaters, use organic worm poop, sold in recycled plastic bottles from HD. They grow FAST that way.

    Reply

  39. did you feed the tomatoes “miracle gro for tomatoes”? did you water them often?

    bossy can have some of my tomatoes when they start arriving by the bucketful.

    bossy needs to relax a bit. go downashore. drink a beer or five.

    Reply

  40. I think Bossy’s support hose are sexy and want Bossy to rest assured that if there was a blood clot involved the pain would be unbearable. I suffered from one this year and it is the kind of pain that requires hospital attention immediately! You just keep on rocking those hose!

    Reply

  41. Whatcha got there little lady is some blight. I don’t know what kinda blight it is, but it don’t matter none, cause ya do the same dern thing fer all the diff’rent kindsa blight ya might get. Ya git t’the gardenin store and buy ya some “dust”. Not the kinda dust ya got unner the bed, but the kinda dust that stops the blights – all the kindsa blights. The guys at the gardenin store will know. Works ever’ time.

    Reply

  43. I hope Bossy’s foot feels better – elevating it on a silk pillow and having Stella wait on you hand and, well, um, foot.

    Perhaps Bossy’s maters are experiencing sympathy pains for all the tomatoes that are being pulled from shelves and restaurants due to salmonella and eColi. Poor little tomatoes.

    Pretty kitty! Stupid internet connections! Hope you are up and running soon.

    Reply

  45. Exhibit A:
    My cats have actually drinkten gin from their cat bowl. A trick a screwball attorney friend of mine did to my cats at a party, I almost sued him. He poured gin in their bowls and they got all fupped duck.

    Exhibit B:
    Tough year for tomatoes all the way around.

    Exhibit C:
    Oh wait, spotty Innernet, now that requires a LOT of interference. At the Rate in which Bossy needs to up and down the Innernet, she needs the most. You got your giga bite, which is 1k x’s mega, and then you got your tera bite, which is 1k x’s mega, and then you got your peta bite, which is 1k x’s tera. Did I just say “peta bite?” Why does that arouse me? I don’t know, computer words jack-me-up! Where’s the cat bowl?

    Reply

  51. Since I am older than Bossy by six months I can be all condescending and There There, Dear (also because we’re talking about Grapefruit Feet, which I can own, and not System Overload Due to Way Too Many Blog Commenters, which I can’t own).

    Keep your foot elevated. No standing around. No painting unless your foot is above your ear. Snacks help. But they must be served to you. Don’t know if wine is good for swolled feet or not — never not tried it.

    Peppers are the new tomatoes.

    Swear a lot at the spotty thing. DAMMIT is a good one. As long as your foot is above your ear, dammit.

    Was this helpful? That’s why I’m older.

    Kisses!

    — Laurie

    Reply

  56. Oh Bossy .. perhaps you should just get in your car and take an excellent road trip and get away from it all? Already did that? oh.. in that case go back to watching Kimora..she’s so fab.

    Reply

  57. Could Bossy send down some support hose to CBW whose right foot has suddenly gone all numb (and has been for 3 weeks) and causes CBW to twist her ankle three times in the three-week period?

    No? Well, just send the gin instead. Cat bowl optional.

    I’m convinced I have Guillane Barre Syndrome or any other neurological ailment, up to and including IMPENDING DEATH.

    Bottoms up.

    Reply

  60. The swollen foot is indicative of congestive heart failure. The numb foot (in comment by CBW above) is a brain tumor.

    Reply

  62. It sounds like both Bossy’s foot and her tomatoes are suffering from too much water. Have you tried putting support hose on the tomatoes? You’ll probably have to buy ones made for spiders or something else with very spindly legs, though… Unfortunately, I don’t think support hose can fix the internet. -sigh-

    Reply

  64. I was once bitten on the foot by a white tail spider.

    I swear that I could not exercise, work, clean, cook or go grocery shopping for three months!

    The only thing that helped with the swelling and pain were musicals and chocolate ice cream. Honestly.

    Reply

  66. Bossy, that foot thing? It ain’t normal. Don’t mess with clots. Do not underestimate the healing powers of gin, either. Maybe you should treat that foot issue with gin. Eureka!

    Reply

  67. Um, bossy? DO NOT GO PUTTING GIN IN THE CAT BOWL. A nice highball glass is much better. You can park the bottle there next to your chair if you need to.

    And the tomatoes? I suspect Phylloxera infestans. No, not really, but my parents spent a billion dollars on me studying horticulture, I need to throw out phrases like “Phylloxera infestans” every once in a while.

    Reply

  75. Is Bossy bringing Sexy back. What I really enjoy about support hose is the feeling of being constrained. When I worked in retail and wore hose I drank… a lot…of gin!

    Reply

  77. I have the same problem with my leg and feet… No real reason other than I blew out the arteries and veins when I was on my feet as an EMT for 12 hour shifts for 16 years…

    Did your jealous friend sneak into your garden and pee on your plants?? Just saying… I would ask…

    Gin and tonic on me when you make it to Austin!

    Feel better soon!

    Reply

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