Imagine if you will: one country music singer. OK, maybe she’s Bossy and not a country music singer—but maybe she paid to have her head dipped in bleach so she could look exactly like one.
And imagine that this Bossy nee country music singer has just boarded an airplane, and it’s 10 pm, and this Bossy has been out all day scaling the streets of San Francisco with her and her and her daughter—and raise your hand if you’re tired of hearing about how much Bossy loves Mocha Momma. Put your hand down, Mocha Momma.
So. This Bossy with the white hair and the palpitating heart and sore feet, she has come to rest in the red-eye ship back to the East coast. And to improve her chances for sleep, this Bossy has purchased a neck pillow even though she suggested to Bossy in the airport bar that airline pillows aren’t nearly as effective as falling face first into a tall beer.
But back to Bossy, who was perfectly situated in her aircraft seat when guess who arrives to be her seatmate? Exactly. Kramer.
So right there in her plane seat, Bossy texts her new friend to tell him that she is sitting next to Kramer and she would take a photo to prove it, and that’s when the ship lifts into the air toward the East coast:
Bossy situates her new pillow, and she tosses and turns and tosses some more. And then she steals another glance at Kramer:
Bossy decides her seatmate isn’t quite as Kramer-ish when he is asking the attendant for water. Because he doesn’t just want water, he wants to make sure that the water will be served room temperature and delivered without ice.
Which is when it hits Bossy that her seatmate isn’t Kramer, her seatmate is Anthony Bordain.
And then Bossy begins to fall a little in love with her seatmate, and the intent of her seatmate’s jaw and the arc of his furrowed brow. And so Bossy and her seatmate marry while the rest of the plane falls into troubled sleeps:
Bossy loves everything about her new husband, even though she doesn’t know anything about her new husband. In fact Bossy hasn’t really interacted with her new husband except to pass him a folded airline blanket. But he embraced that folded airline blanket and arranged it right there on the lap of his stonewashed Lee jeans while he… wait. New husband? Are you going to sleep all flight, new husband?
No matter. Bossy is an independent style wife, so she busied herself by counting the number of times her new husband’s head fell slack to his polyester windbreaker, and she busied herself by watching the sun trip over the horizon.
And then Bossy’s husband went to the restroom, which is when Bossy noticed that his orthopedic sneakers were worn thin as dimes toward the outer edge of his soles, and Bossy can’t have sex with a man who chronically rolls his feet along the outer edge. And so Bossy and her plane husband got a divorce.
And Bossy still didn’t sleep one wink. The end.
More BlogHer conference details forthcoming. As soon as Bossy gets more than thirty seconds of sleep.
jp saysJuly 21, 2008 at 11:32 am
Thank God you got divorced! Lee Jeans???……..no way!
Hey, whose cute piggies are those???
Momo Fali saysJuly 21, 2008 at 11:33 am
Bossy has more husbands than Duggars have kids.
Jason saysJuly 21, 2008 at 11:52 am
Whew! That was one rollercoaster ride of a marriage. And your real husband always takes you back, doesn’t he?
Looks like you shoulda gone for falling face first into that tall beer.
But. . . even though you got no sleep, aren’t you glad that you FLEW back across the country?
MammaLoves saysJuly 21, 2008 at 11:52 am
Plane husband looked a little more Sopranos to me. Can you really “leave” the mob?
Jenn @ Juggling Life saysJuly 21, 2008 at 11:56 am
Was that an empty seat between Bossy and hubby? Because I haven’t seen an empty seat on a plane in several years!
vuboq saysJuly 21, 2008 at 11:58 am
hope you get caught up on all your sleep soon! can’t wait to read about your blogher adventures 🙂
Jacquie saysJuly 21, 2008 at 11:59 am
Oh, how I loathe red eye. But that is mostly because I am usually responsible for my children and therefore unable to appropriately dose myself with narcotics that contain warnings about the possibility that I’ll never wake again. Booze only works for a nap, after which you wake thirsty, but if you drink you’ll have to pee and that will worry you so much that you wont sleep. Drugs, silly Bossy. Drugs.
Crabby McSlacker saysJuly 21, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I can’t sleep on planes either, but it’s not because I do fun things like marry my seatmates.
I need to be awake to clutch on the armrests, single-handedly keeping the plane from crashing.
Jozet at Halushki saysJuly 21, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Dang. I can never afford the good marriage seats.
I always get stuck next to some guy who tries to grope my thigh all flight and whispers filthy things to me in Italian.
andrea saysJuly 21, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Get some sleep so you’ll be all rested up for when you share all your fun Blogher stories!!!
surcie saysJuly 21, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I love that Bossy practices polygamy so I don’t have to.
Foolery saysJuly 21, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Wait — you avoided meeting Guy Kawasaki AND you turned down an opportunity to join the Mile High Club? Huh.
Of course, you DO know that Kramer Bordain has been broadcasting that he met, married, BOINKED and divorced a hot Nashville starlet on the red eye, don’t you?
Kristabella saysJuly 21, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Man, Kramer has really let himself go.
I think I drooled on my flight when I fell asleep because Chatty Cathy next to me wouldn’t talk to me after I woke up. She must have been grossed out my line of saliva on my jacket.
Maria saysJuly 21, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Last time I flew in from the West Coast on the red eye I thought it’d be rad to down some tequila first because I’m scared to fly and drinking before doing grown-up things never gets old. Except for when you’re crying during takeoff and over the movie selection and until you’ve passed out on your husband’s shoulder. -_-
Eden saysJuly 21, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Nah. If that were Anthony Bourdain, he’d have ordered booze.
Heather saysJuly 21, 2008 at 12:46 pm
10 pm pac time red eye??
That mean whaaaaaa 5 hours fly time plus the 4 hour time difference divided by the cosign of pi…
So is it Tuesday where your at? If so – can I have the Monday night winning pick 6 numbers?
Deb saysJuly 21, 2008 at 12:58 pm
1) You had an empty middle seat? Praise the red-eye!
2) I never sleep. Must focus on helping.the pilot.not.crash.
Smalltown Mom saysJuly 21, 2008 at 1:24 pm
At last, a picture of all of Bossy’s hair.
The Domestic Goddess saysJuly 21, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Ugh. Red eye. There’s a reason they call it that, too. Thank goodness we can’t do those with kids…
Avitable saysJuly 21, 2008 at 1:47 pm
So you took a picture of yourself pretending to sleep on the plane? Did your new husband think that you were crazy?
JCK saysJuly 21, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I was deeply troubled until I read of your divorce.
Great to see you at the conference! Glad you got home safe.
Tootsie Farklepants saysJuly 21, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I admit it. It was me who had to out click the Wiki link so see who this Anthony person is. I’m relieved to hear about the divorce because the whole “water request” thing sounds a little high maintenance and I could picture BOSSY having to meet unlimited unreasonable demands for her new husband. Like which way the toilet paper roll faces and the thread count of his sheets. That have to be washed by hand.
Auds at Barking Mad saysJuly 21, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Does John Cusack know of Bossy’s divorce?
Madness saysJuly 21, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Madness is SO happy to see Bossy has returned from BlogHer .. and Man oh Man youre racking up alomony like a CHAMP. Bossy .. youre the BOSS!
biddy saysJuly 21, 2008 at 2:29 pm
mr. bossy #1 is never going to let bossy out of the house again if she keeps getting married!
*pout* bossy could totally text biddy…i’m just sayin
Jami saysJuly 21, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I’ll share Anthony B (as I like to call him) but only on the plane. He and I are also married, you know. You can tell because we both wear a ring on our thumb.
Grandma J saysJuly 21, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Bossy really got lucky with that extra seat between her and Kramer. I would have raised the armrest and skooched y legs up on that seat so I could sleep agains the window with my new pillow….or once married, lay my head on hubby’s lap. yep, that’s how Grandma J likes to fly! And on take off is Kramer making the sign of the cross? That’s something Grandma J does too.
Emily R saysJuly 21, 2008 at 2:35 pm
If your ex-husband isn’t Anthony Bourdain, I just don’t know who is.
Jodi aka soNOTcool saysJuly 21, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I’m glad you’re home safe and sound, though married and divorced … and half-guilty of polygamy. 😉
mr. lootiatto saysJuly 21, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Wait…are we sure Kramer/Bowdin (whatever) didn’t
shave off 1/2 of bossys right eyebrow while she dozed?
Kiki saysJuly 21, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Yer hair looks fine.
Fancy even.. Fancy don’t let me down.
Manic Mommy saysJuly 21, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Personally, I thought Bossy’s new ex-husband looked like that weird stalker guy from “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire.” No, not Jay Thomas.
I just picture him clicking over to your blog and thinking ‘wha..???’
Katy saysJuly 21, 2008 at 3:26 pm
What a sad story. What an emotional roller coaster you must have experienced on your red-eye. I’m glad you didn’t have children on the flight.
Cheri @ Blog This Mom! saysJuly 21, 2008 at 3:32 pm
You can cut the tag from the pillow. It will not violate federal law.
Dawn saysJuly 21, 2008 at 3:37 pm
“I need to be awake to clutch on the armrests, single-handedly keeping the plane from crashing.”
Me, too. It’s very tiring.
Also, we over-supinators need love too, ya know.
Camille saysJuly 21, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Kramer would have walked in his shoes correctly.
Catherine saysJuly 21, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Bossy helped make my weekend. I felt y’all should know that.
Lara saysJuly 21, 2008 at 4:29 pm
i have long been in love with mocha momma, but i am now, post-blogher, beginning to fall a little bit in love with bossy as well. so i’m glad you got a plane divorce, because maybe someday we can get a plane civil union or something.
Ali B. saysJuly 21, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Jozet at Halushki (comment #, oh, I don’t know – 9 or 10 or thereabouts) has much more fun on plane rides than I do.
Channah saysJuly 21, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Bwahahaha! I do that, too, when tired on flights. I sit there, in my half-awake stupor, and make up stories about the other passengers.
Megan saysJuly 21, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Who is the chicky with the feet up? She is very bendy. Maybe you should marry her instead?
Beth from the Funny Farm saysJuly 21, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Husbands are SOOO over-rated. Give me a wife any day! 😉
Chesapeake Bay Woman saysJuly 21, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Bossy’s husband isn’t Hollywood, and Bossy’s hair isn’t Dollywood.
But Bossy’s husband stories sure do make me laugh.
Bush Babe saysJuly 21, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Funny. Wonder how Bossy’s ex-husband is coping with the divorce. Or with being featured on his ex-wife’s blog? Man you are brave… I get nervous sticking photos of my friends up in case they stop talking to me!
You have balls, methinks! In the nicest possible way. Go sleep!
Kim saysJuly 21, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Is that Bossy’s boobage obstructing photo number 8?
Way to go, Bossy!
dexter saysJuly 21, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Unless Bossys hair color appointment came with a free boob job, I dont think that was her boobage. I dont think she would refer to herself as “pancake boobs” with those.
All Adither saysJuly 21, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Wouldn’t you have been mortified if your flash had gone off while taking those shots??
honeywine saysJuly 21, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Should have went with the beer! But as a country star, you should have been carrying valium. I think it’s illegal for you NOT to be carrying valium.
amanda saysJuly 21, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I am kind of disappointed you didn’t do shots with him the whole way home. I’ve always said I’d like to have him to a dinner party because he looks like he’d be lots of fun. But water? Hmm.
Eloise saysJuly 21, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I can’t believe it’s already time for Bossy to return home. Didn’t we just GET to San Francisco?
Cracking up at the comment about Bossy’s *boobage* in picture #8. Not pancake boobs indeed…
Christal saysJuly 21, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Hey! I like your hair!
meleah rebeccah saysJuly 21, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Stone Washed Lee jeans are a justified CAUSE for DIVORCE. Just ask any lawyer.
Wendy saysJuly 21, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Admit it, Bossy. You got divorced not because of the shoes, but because of that OTHER guy in row, the one sleeping with his mouth open. Am I right?
I figure there are NO accidents in Bossy photos (even if they don’t involve seagulls).
Maria saysJuly 21, 2008 at 9:41 pm
It was awessssoommme to meet you. I saw Kramer too. Your plane looked so much more comfy than ours. Damn Delta. 🙂
wrekehavoc saysJuly 21, 2008 at 9:51 pm
you couldn’t have found bourdain. he was busy messing with my friend’s birthday party on saturday (not my blog):
how come i only get seated next to the old ladies who want to set me up with their grandson (which might be somewhat objectionable to my husband, of course.)
ellen saysJuly 21, 2008 at 11:19 pm
I’m so glad I am not the only one with a crush on Anthony Bourdain. Although, no matter how much he begs, I am NOT kissing him on the mouth. He eats bugs, and poop shoots. Srsly.
Katie saysJuly 21, 2008 at 11:38 pm
I’ve met Kramer before. He’s kind of a jerk. Al Pacino though, he’s incredibly nice. And ooooold. Skeet Ulrich is gorgeous. Sometimes I miss living in Los Angeles.
So wishing I’d been at BlogHer, even if it meant a redeye flight all the way back.
kate saysJuly 22, 2008 at 12:08 am
i’m so dumb. i really thought it was kramer. then i had to google that other guy, anthony whatever.
Mrs. G. saysJuly 22, 2008 at 12:38 am
Bossy, I think that was James Brolin. Welcome back, Chiquita!
Just Jamie saysJuly 22, 2008 at 4:18 am
I met my husband on a plane. Sure did. So, it happens.
Wonder if it will end the same way as your plane marriage…
katia saysJuly 22, 2008 at 8:03 am
Oh, that poor unsuspecting lout. I love it!
Kelley saysJuly 22, 2008 at 8:21 am
Bossy needs to come over to my blog and meet my new boyfriend. He is on a plane right now to the Vatican apparently.
And my new boyfriend would totally give you a blanket AND tuck you in.
Adorable Girlfriend saysJuly 22, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Me thinks Stella could have loved that flight and limited space.
Elaine saysJuly 22, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Did he know you were taking those first pics of him? Sorry it didn’t work out between you and Kramer.
natalie saysJuly 22, 2008 at 4:43 pm
it looks like you had tons of fun in sanfran. and then a quickie marriage and divorce as well. what a full trip you had!
boots586 saysJuly 22, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Anthony B wears boots. And a wedding ring. And has a baby. Do you really want to raise another child? Just when yours are getting manageable?
Megan saysJuly 22, 2008 at 6:37 pm
i think your new hubby looks like Elaine’s boss & not Kramer. Can’t remember his name.
alice saysJuly 22, 2008 at 8:37 pm
If only you had listened to me, and drank more.
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy saysJuly 23, 2008 at 1:03 am
Did Bossy sign a prenup? Will there be alimony?
the jackie saysJuly 23, 2008 at 9:42 am
girl, i think your hair looks great!
Stephanie saysJuly 24, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Bossy is funny! Congratulations and condolences at the same time on your plane romance. 😉
jenB saysJuly 26, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I am singing the refrain of “I didn’t get to spend enough time with you at BlogHer” adding to that “I love you Bossy”. You are honey on a biscuit my little sucre biscuit.
Sparx saysJuly 28, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Hey, digging the hair!