Because Bossy received so many emails asking for more details concerning the cleansing diet Bossy is a mere twenty-four hours from completing, here are a few random thoughts — because sister mercy, random is all that’s left.
On the first day, Bossy prepared and ate her potato beet fennel carrot parsley broccoli broth for both breakfast and dinner — and coincidentally it tasted like water with filmy, lifeless chunks the general shape and color of potato, beet, fennel, carrot, parsley, and broccoli.
It was nothing a canister of Morton’s salt couldn’t solve. That and a side of beef.
For lunch, Bossy’s friend Martha came over for a smoothie made from strawberries, blueberries, banana, oranges, mango, apple, parsley, and spinach — which tasted fresh and sweet with a hint of lawn. The two settled in for Ricky Gervais’ Extras on DVD:
That first night Bossy was completely out of sorts, having no clue what to do with her free hands, which for once were not attached to the stem of a wine glass.
Bossy solved this dilemma by going to bed at 9 p.m.
The next day for breakfast and dinner Bossy heated up her potato beet fennel carrot parsley broccoli broth — which ever so unfortunately still tasted like water with filmy, lifeless chunks the general shape and color of potato, beet, fennel, carrot, parsley, and broccoli.
For lunch, Bossy went to Martha’s house for their standard fresh and earthy smoothies — this time made with the addition of peaches — and more DVDs, which Bossy and Martha needed to pause every twelve minutes so one or the other could pee like a racehorse because mother humper there is no better diuretic than Bossy’s cleansing diet.
Either that or Bossy and her friend Martha have cleansed themselves into a couple of cases of diabetes.
That night Bossy was still out of sorts without her ritual glass of wine with a side order of wine topped with wine, so once again Bossy solved this quandary by going to bed at 9 p.m.
Wednesday marked the halfway point, and it was around this time Bossy noticed she was crapping perfect poos the shape of question marks.
Bossy also noticed when cleaning the dishes associated with her vegetable broth, she doesn’t need to use a sponge or run her hand along the inside of the bowl or spoon — Bossy need only run the bowl under a quick stream of water due to the absence of animal fat or anything fried or sugary or anything clingy needing to be scrubbed away. And so it goes, she assumes, with her intestines.
Wednesday was also when Bossy began to mince raw garlic and parsley to sprinkle over her soup, which cheered things up a bit and made the idea of salt seem almost silly. Unfortunately Wednesday also marked the day Bossy prepared that afternoon’s fresh and earthy smoothie, and began referring to the concoction as cloying cloying cloying and cloying with some parsley.
Then Bossy and Martha watched a few episodes of Weeds from last season so do not even dream of telling Bossy some critical plot fact she doesn’t yet know, like Bossy’s other friend did, who shall remain nameless, even though his name rhymes with Beric.
On Wednesday night Bossy felt much better about not having her evening ritual of wine. She celebrated by going to bed at 8.
On the fourth day, Bossy noticed her face was extremely ruddy. Ruddy like she’s sailing a three-masted schooner to Alaska to work on the pipeline. That kind of ruddy. Bossy believes this is due to the toxins releasing from her pores. Either that or she needs to change her pillowcase.
Also on the fourth day, Bossy went back over to Martha’s house to sjfkeie jkkdkcmm ssliehn drink DVDs and watch Smoothies:
Which brings us to Day Five:
It may interest you to know that psychologically, Martha is not pleased with the cleansing diet. According to Martha, it hasn’t made her feel successful in the least, but rather it’s made her feel as though she will be failing with the introduction of real food and drink. The diet also made Martha feel weak and miserable — Martha is not a fan, and she probably will never attempt it again, at least not in this way.
It may interest you to know that psychologically, Bossy is pleased with the cleansing diet. She can’t say it’s done anything besides distance Bossy a little from those things that are salty and sweet and those things which are red and get poured into wine glasses as big as Bossy’s head, and lookee here: only twenty-three hours of the cleanse remaining!
But Bossy also noticed this cleanse does a lot to quiet a few of the other voices inside her head; the voice that tells Bossy she should really try to eat edamame without soy sauce, the voice that tells Bossy she shouldn’t have poured that third glass of wine on a weekday, the voice that is disgusted Bossy doesn’t take more control in general over those things in her life easily controllable.
And sometimes that quiet is well worth the five-day nuisance of no garlic bread or hot fudge or chicken-cheese steaks, but as gah is Bossy’s witness, she’s coming for you, garlic bread and hot fudge and chicken cheese steaks! With any luck, in moderation.
Warning: Bossy is not a nutritionist, she just plays one on the Internet. Do not attempt a cleanse without the approval of your doctor, since it messes with your blood sugar and can lead to stuff like lethargy, headaches, fainting, and death.
You can find more details about Bossy’s cleansing diet and the recipes here.
dexter saysJune 12, 2009 at 9:54 am
wouldnt it have been just as easy drinking that stuff they give you before a colonoscopy?
Little Miss Sunshine State saysJune 12, 2009 at 9:56 am
Bossy and Martha used a lot of lemons this week
If I put myself on that diet, I would be biting people’s heads off by Day 2…and gnawing on the furniture.
Debby saysJune 12, 2009 at 10:14 am
~giggle~ Bossy said “poo”
MariaV saysJune 12, 2009 at 10:20 am
Martha’s reaction is what has been makig drag my feet about trying a cleanse. But … I’m very tempted. I’m not sure I could do an entire week since I work in an office. I might try it for a weekend.
Or …. I could follow Dexter’s suggestion and try a Fleet enema for a day.
Linda saysJune 12, 2009 at 10:41 am
I wanna know what the sticky note in front of the tv says.
Grandma J saysJune 12, 2009 at 10:47 am
Grandma J found that some Miralax in her morning coffee made her poo in the shape of a perfect exclamation point!!
Lance saysJune 12, 2009 at 10:56 am
Don’t take Fleet Phosphate Soda (or as I like to call it…..Human Drano) for anything except as a prep for colonoscopy. It is not pleasant and there is no feeling of “good” about anything after taking it, no matter how cleaned out you are. YUCK!
margie saysJune 12, 2009 at 11:31 am
Your body was ingeniously designed and takes care of these things all on it’s own without torturing yourself! If you’re feeling crappy while on a cleanse, there’s a reason!
David saysJune 12, 2009 at 11:40 am
I like to eat healthy in general, but my little body would evaporate after a week of that diet. I need more substance, like carbs.
Lisa saysJune 12, 2009 at 11:46 am
Life is too short to cleanse and to live without wine. If you talk to someone who is 90, I bet they had a pretty good time getting there. Moderation is the key…along with good doses exercise, sunshine, laughter and hugs!
Joie saysJune 12, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Inspired by Bossy, I started a mini-juice fast. I planned to do it for three days but was only able to do two because I had to go on some antibiotics. Anyhoo….the local health food store makes raw vegetable juices including a good amount of ginger for taste and some fruit here and there and some additives like fiber or flax seed oil, etc. To get to the point: I really wasn’t hungry or weak. I expected to feel horrible and terribly focused on food but I wasn’t. Not a bit. I am going back to eating slowly and right now a peanut butter and banana sandwich on sprouted wheat bread is heaven. All about perspective.
kd saysJune 12, 2009 at 12:38 pm
At least you didn’t cleanse away your sense of humor!
Jacquie saysJune 12, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Congratulations on your perfect poo! I learned from an unquestionably reliable medical source (a conversation between Dr. Oz and Oprah) that a healthy turd takes the shape of an S, just as you would imagine it sits in your intestine. Since that day, I’ve checked religiously, but have created a very few perfect specimens.
Until today, my sister Ellie was the only one who understood my glee at the vision of those celebratory S-poops, so she was the only sole lucky enough to receive my announcements when they made a blessed appearance in the pot. Now I can add YOU to my recipient list, Bossy! Congratulations!
Ungirdled saysJune 12, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Per your advice, I have contacted my doctor, Dr. Pepper, and his colleagues Little Debbie, Famous Amos and Mrs. Fields and they all recommend that I NOT go on this cleanse despite my desire to be as cute and thin as you are. I hope you eat soon.
Bratty Brenda saysJune 12, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Bwhahahahahahahahahha @ ungirdled. Brillant I say!
Amber Star saysJune 12, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Was Bossy only wearing slippers in that drawing on day 5? There were labels on everything, but nothing to indicate what Bossy might be wearing on her body. What happened to your clothes or were you showing us how slim you had become?
Meg at the Members Lounge saysJune 12, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Please eat this weekend, as your council hates to see you waste away! We demand you eat a plate of mini-sliders with extra cheddar, a bag of ultra-salted Wise chips, and a strong beverage followed by another really strong beverage for dessert. See UNGIRDLED’s doctors for further instructions.
Nance saysJune 12, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Jesus Christ, just call it a diet. Your dad the doctor would have a few things to say about “cleansing” and “toxins,” I bet. Margie @8 is right: Your body already does this, and anybody with an opinion on ideal turd shapes should be backed away from slowly and never, ever touched without latex gloves.
Heather saysJune 12, 2009 at 5:54 pm
I don’t think my family would appreciate me doing this. Drinking a glass of “Mommy Juice” aka wine is necessary for my sanity. Without said “Mommy Juice” I would not become slim and perfect poo having. Instead I would become impatient and insane. It’s east to justify the wine though, if you are drinking red you are just trying to have a healthy heart. Mine must be REALLY healthy 😉
The Domestic Goddess saysJune 12, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Goodness. You made it further than I would have. Which is about five minutes without potatoes.
kate saysJune 12, 2009 at 6:38 pm
that sounds horrible. in like ten ways.
Surcie saysJune 12, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Surcie enjoys Bossy’s use of baskets.
Well Read Hostess saysJune 12, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Holy ShiznitBOSSY. I can’t see images from the site at the place where I spend all day that is certainly not work because I shouldn’t be reading blogs at work but anyway, I was actually scared to look at this at home because of the remote chance that you’d actually photographed a question mark poo.
I’m so glad you didn’t.
Cathy D. saysJune 12, 2009 at 10:00 pm
I’ve never read a blog post that so perfectly balanced TMI and hilarity.
P.S. Hope everything comes out okay.
amy saysJune 13, 2009 at 12:46 am
Heather, you are my new bestest friend 🙂
Leslie G saysJune 13, 2009 at 2:09 am
Oh my friggin’ heck! I just read your blog for the first time — what an introduction!! I just laughed until I cried hysterically and then wet myself!! Between Bossy and the comments……I’m hooked. Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in over a week! I have to go back now and re-read the sections I couldn’t see through the tears.
Lisa saysJune 13, 2009 at 11:41 am
Your peeing every 10 minutes because parsley is a gigantic dieuetic….
The ruddy is because your body is in starvation mode .
The quiet voices are a good effect I guess but perhaps it would be more emotionally healthy to deal with them in ways that will help solve the voices and not just temporarily shush them…
kidsmom saysJune 13, 2009 at 11:58 am
I have a liver. My liver likes to be busy.
Thank you very much.
dexter saysJune 13, 2009 at 12:33 pm
question mark poos are a healthy sign?? What do exclamation points mean?
ChesapeakeBayWoman saysJune 13, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Bossy, it’s wine o’clock.
fidget saysJune 13, 2009 at 5:45 pm
it sounds like when I eliminated everything except baked chicken, rice, avocado, carrots, mushrooms and peas. I ate that 3 meals a day and for the first week I dumped out the rankest body odor ever and erupted into a red faced acne covered beast. It.was.dead.sexy.
zelzee saysJune 14, 2009 at 8:29 am
I don’t think I will be doing the “cleansing” thing…..anything with a side effect of death, usually puts me off.
beebee saysJune 14, 2009 at 11:25 pm
beebee thinks she might be inspired to try this clense thing you speak of. She also thinks she might get fired on day 2 or get served with divorce papers on day 4 because she is one mean betch when she doesn’t chew on protien much. Unless illegal drugs are fueling the fire, but we dont do those things to ‘cleanse’ now do we?
Reeb saysJune 15, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I’m with Bossy on having to re-up on a semi-regular basis to try to re-achieve a (very small) amount of moderation.
Except that I can’t figure out when to DO a cleanse, as last weekend was a rousing fun wine-and-beer-filled wedding weekend, and this coming weekend I’m going on a birthday outing, and the next weekend is my actual birthday so there’s more celebrating to be done, and after that it’s all summer weekends and summer nights and… Hello? Moderation? Remember me??
Go Bossy, I don’t care what the rest of your posse thinks, you’re doing well to quiet those voices. And you can tell me what your poo looks like too. Oh wait, you already did.
Reebr saysJune 15, 2009 at 2:03 pm
26/Leslie G, welcome to Bossy’s world. A witty and wondrouse place indeed.
Reeb saysJune 15, 2009 at 4:16 pm
a witty and wondrous place where people can’t spell
foolery saysJune 17, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I have enough moderation in my life. I have TOTAL moderation from midnight to 6:30 a.m., every day. That’s, like, HALF my life or something.
And as long as we’re talking punctuation, what do ellipses suggest? Or how about a colon? I’ll be concerned if I start to see underlining.
(Stumbled this — brilliant.)