Because Bossy received so many emails asking for more details concerning the cleansing diet Bossy is a mere twenty-four hours from completing, here are a few random thoughts — because sister mercy, random is all that’s left.
On the first day, Bossy prepared and ate her potato beet fennel carrot parsley broccoli broth for both breakfast and dinner — and coincidentally it tasted like water with filmy, lifeless chunks the general shape and color of potato, beet, fennel, carrot, parsley, and broccoli.
It was nothing a canister of Morton’s salt couldn’t solve. That and a side of beef.
For lunch, Bossy’s friend Martha came over for a smoothie made from strawberries, blueberries, banana, oranges, mango, apple, parsley, and spinach — which tasted fresh and sweet with a hint of lawn. The two settled in for Ricky Gervais’ Extras on DVD:
That first night Bossy was completely out of sorts, having no clue what to do with her free hands, which for once were not attached to the stem of a wine glass.
Bossy solved this dilemma by going to bed at 9 p.m.
The next day for breakfast and dinner Bossy heated up her potato beet fennel carrot parsley broccoli broth — which ever so unfortunately still tasted like water with filmy, lifeless chunks the general shape and color of potato, beet, fennel, carrot, parsley, and broccoli.
For lunch, Bossy went to Martha’s house for their standard fresh and earthy smoothies — this time made with the addition of peaches — and more DVDs, which Bossy and Martha needed to pause every twelve minutes so one or the other could pee like a racehorse because mother humper there is no better diuretic than Bossy’s cleansing diet.
Either that or Bossy and her friend Martha have cleansed themselves into a couple of cases of diabetes.
That night Bossy was still out of sorts without her ritual glass of wine with a side order of wine topped with wine, so once again Bossy solved this quandary by going to bed at 9 p.m.
Wednesday marked the halfway point, and it was around this time Bossy noticed she was crapping perfect poos the shape of question marks.
Bossy also noticed when cleaning the dishes associated with her vegetable broth, she doesn’t need to use a sponge or run her hand along the inside of the bowl or spoon — Bossy need only run the bowl under a quick stream of water due to the absence of animal fat or anything fried or sugary or anything clingy needing to be scrubbed away. And so it goes, she assumes, with her intestines.
Wednesday was also when Bossy began to mince raw garlic and parsley to sprinkle over her soup, which cheered things up a bit and made the idea of salt seem almost silly. Unfortunately Wednesday also marked the day Bossy prepared that afternoon’s fresh and earthy smoothie, and began referring to the concoction as cloying cloying cloying and cloying with some parsley.
Then Bossy and Martha watched a few episodes of Weeds from last season so do not even dream of telling Bossy some critical plot fact she doesn’t yet know, like Bossy’s other friend did, who shall remain nameless, even though his name rhymes with Beric.
On Wednesday night Bossy felt much better about not having her evening ritual of wine. She celebrated by going to bed at 8.
On the fourth day, Bossy noticed her face was extremely ruddy. Ruddy like she’s sailing a three-masted schooner to Alaska to work on the pipeline. That kind of ruddy. Bossy believes this is due to the toxins releasing from her pores. Either that or she needs to change her pillowcase.
Also on the fourth day, Bossy went back over to Martha’s house to sjfkeie jkkdkcmm ssliehn drink DVDs and watch Smoothies:
Which brings us to Day Five:
It may interest you to know that psychologically, Martha is not pleased with the cleansing diet. According to Martha, it hasn’t made her feel successful in the least, but rather it’s made her feel as though she will be failing with the introduction of real food and drink. The diet also made Martha feel weak and miserable — Martha is not a fan, and she probably will never attempt it again, at least not in this way.
It may interest you to know that psychologically, Bossy is pleased with the cleansing diet. She can’t say it’s done anything besides distance Bossy a little from those things that are salty and sweet and those things which are red and get poured into wine glasses as big as Bossy’s head, and lookee here: only twenty-three hours of the cleanse remaining!
But Bossy also noticed this cleanse does a lot to quiet a few of the other voices inside her head; the voice that tells Bossy she should really try to eat edamame without soy sauce, the voice that tells Bossy she shouldn’t have poured that third glass of wine on a weekday, the voice that is disgusted Bossy doesn’t take more control in general over those things in her life easily controllable.
And sometimes that quiet is well worth the five-day nuisance of no garlic bread or hot fudge or chicken-cheese steaks, but as gah is Bossy’s witness, she’s coming for you, garlic bread and hot fudge and chicken cheese steaks! With any luck, in moderation.
Warning: Bossy is not a nutritionist, she just plays one on the Internet. Do not attempt a cleanse without the approval of your doctor, since it messes with your blood sugar and can lead to stuff like lethargy, headaches, fainting, and death.
You can find more details about Bossy’s cleansing diet and the recipes here.