It goes like this: Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year, a day when God sits on a throne and contemplates a person’s deeds, and considers that person’s fate for the coming year, utilizing all of the scribblings in his big record book:
Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement, which is when God seals the fate of each person based on these contemplations and considerations of deed.
But get this: in between the deciding of the fate, on Rosh Hashanah, and the sealing of the fate, on Yom Kippur, there are ten days in which to amend behaviors and seek forgiveness.
Here’s how Bossy spent her ten days:
Day One: can’t remember
Day Two: can’t remember
Day Three: something about trying not to curse as much, but really — who the fook can remember
Day Four: resolving not to lean on the crutch of alcohol, Bossy enjoys
a mid-day margarita in New York City with her son and her friend Isabel
Day Five: determined to be a more dedicated mother, Bossy attends back-to-school night. Oh never mind, no she didn’t — she blew it off for a movie
Day Six: disavowing the temptation of frivolous things money can buy, Bossy went to TJ Maxx and purchased a cute scarf, a cute belt, and a cute jacket with fake fur collar. Because cheap cute is not frivolous.
Day Seven: Bossy gave to charity, and that charity was the high school football game, and here’s how Bossy gave — she did not collapse in fits of boredom, except that once. That twice.
Day Eight: something something and then preparing meat sauce something
Day Nine: practiced compassion by watching Urban Cowboy on local cable for the bazillionth time, trying not to throw something through the TV screen when the wild-eyed wealthy girl discards Sissy’s love note after Sissy cleans up Bud’s trailer
Day Ten: who could remember. It’s not as if that day is today. Oh wait.
chook says
September 28, 2009 at 11:20 amso, did it work? are you off the hook?
just wondering.
21st Century Housewife says
September 28, 2009 at 11:44 amThis sounds vaguely like Lent to me. Except shorter. Except no bacon seems like a lifetime of Lent. Except I would blow it off. Except. . . . wha??
Grandma J says
September 28, 2009 at 12:09 pmTen days of repenting? Just find a Catholic church and go to confession……ten minutes later = clean slate!
rebekah says
September 28, 2009 at 12:17 pmTop 10 reasons I love Bossy?
This post.
And that other one.
And another one too.
+742 more.
Happy New Year!
Lisa Rae @ smacksy says
September 28, 2009 at 12:27 pmI have been fasting for 10 days – between the hours of midnight and 7AM.
I am golden.
Debbie says
September 28, 2009 at 12:47 pmLove Urban Cowboy and am so with you on that scene.
Cactus Petunia says
September 28, 2009 at 12:51 pmI’m pretty sure day six makes up for any deficits on the other nine…after all, nobody’s perfect!
Shelley says
September 28, 2009 at 1:17 pmSo, unlike Christianity, where you must ask for forgiveness from your peronsal savior, Jesus Christ, every day of your life, because we all suck, in Judaism you can make up for a whole year of sucking in ten days? I might have to look into that. Of course, I’ve missed it this year…
Lisa says
September 28, 2009 at 1:21 pmI kneel at the altar of Bud and Sissy..my favorite movie of ALL TIME!!. favorite scene..the wedding..when she shows off her boots…and when he takes her to the new trailor….awwwww..
Zak says
September 28, 2009 at 2:27 pmI like Bossy’s outlook on, well, everything.
“All cowboys ain’t dumb. Some of ’em got smarts real good, like me…”
E says
September 28, 2009 at 3:01 pmAh, classic!
Audubon Ron says
September 28, 2009 at 3:02 pmSorry you dirty rotten good for nothing sinning ways kind of blogstress of highest degrees of rebellion and nothing is ever your faultness.
You needed to be slaughtering a bull each day and painting its blood over pretty much everything (Except that really nice tablecloth. Yeah, spare the tablecloth.) Since you have missed the boat entirely and a thousand curses MIGHT befall you, hurry, go and:
First you must – Make an atonement cover of pure gold—two and a half cubits long and a cubit and a half wide. I’ll get back to you as to what to do with it but whatever you do it must not be used as a trivet.
Then you must – find an acacia tree and cut it down and hewn it into 2Xcubits, stack it in the driveway but don’t block the sidewalk, blocking the sidewalk is the kind stuff that got you here in the first place.
And after that you must – then take censor of burning coals from the BBQ and place it in a metal urn with dragons in its side, lift the urn with your forearms and carry it into the snow. Most likely you will burn dragon scares on your arms. No wait, that’s Kung Fu. Yeah, gahead, it can’t hurt.
Then following that you must – burn oil with the incense of Febreze around your house, make sure to cut your bathroom twice.
Not in the very least you must – plant a vineyard. I know, everybody plants a vineyard, even Noah and a wife of Noble Character.
And finally you must – send Audubon Ron a nice note each morning because you have just crippled him with your meanness throwing everything but the kitchen sink at him wicked ways.
Then, I’ll see if I can pull a few strings and bail you out of this mess.
Reeb says
September 28, 2009 at 4:25 pmAudobon Ron is certainly on a roll today.
krazy kris says
September 28, 2009 at 4:41 pmoyvey~~~~~ all this kvetching is making me chaloshes!!! I’m a whitey, white non-denominational, non-practicing, lapsed Christian who would love to be Jewish but all the Yiddish is meshugass.I love it and you and your writing. Hope my slang didn’t offend or confuse you- hehe
Don’t be a schlemiel and schlep the schmekel through the gefilte fish, otherwise Er Zol Vaksen Vi a Tsibeleh, Mit Dem Kop in Drerd. *groan*
Lizzy says
September 28, 2009 at 4:57 pmNaughty. Naughty. Naughty. But hilarious.
Chesapeake Bay Woman says
September 28, 2009 at 4:58 pmCan’t remember.
Somethin’ somethin’.
Let’s have another glass of crutch.
These three things are pretty much the answers to all life’s questions, where all = my and life = Make it snappy with that glass of crutch.
Gail K. says
September 28, 2009 at 5:28 pmOk everyone, all together now: AAAAAAAAAAA-MEN!
Rachel D. says
September 28, 2009 at 5:44 pmI can actually remember the Urban Cowboy part that was
on cable…..
HMMMM Scary
Alissa says
September 28, 2009 at 6:58 pmHey, I was watching Urban Cowboys this weekend too!! Great minds…
josh says
September 28, 2009 at 7:20 pmGiving up cursing? Not fun!
P to da S: I’m soooo glad that da G-O-D is a “groovy girl” just like me!
Leah says
September 28, 2009 at 9:40 pmI like the part where we chant all our sins and all the ways in which we have sinned, and how unworthy we are… Why do we do this again????????
Jason says
September 28, 2009 at 10:12 pm“Bossiness is next to godliness” is what I always say.
David says
September 29, 2009 at 12:47 amG’mar Chatima Tova.
William says
September 29, 2009 at 8:22 amCrutches are designed to help you. They assitst you if you are injured or broken. There is nothing wrong with Alcohol as a crutch. It helps mend the spirit…hence the name wine and spirits.
BossysMom says
September 29, 2009 at 8:31 amWhat happened to things you repent about in 10 words?
Tues yo.
BossysMom says
September 29, 2009 at 8:33 amOpps…I’m on yesterdays…sorry.
anne marie in philly says
September 29, 2009 at 9:29 aml’shana tova to you and your family!
Momish says
September 29, 2009 at 9:29 amI almost, almost watched Urban Cowboy that night! Ten days is a long time to try to atone. Us Catholics, just have to kneel down once a week and are forgiven for everything. Just like that! Then it’s back to drinking and cursing till next week’s confession. However, it’s been a couple of decades since I went to confession. So I feel your sinner’s guilt big time! There’s always next year…
zidia says
September 29, 2009 at 9:52 amIn the Shul portrait,did you notice the women were tucked away in the balcony? Away from the “more chosen” men?
You should be thankful that you now have the choice of sitting downstairs—or not!
Enrico says
September 29, 2009 at 11:27 pmDay 7 = LOL!
And God’s diary is pretty sweet! I used to have the same one.